Resolving conflicts respectfully is an important skill for kids and adults. Working through issues and finding solutions to challenges (at home, work, school, or in your community) takes practice. 

Learning how to deal with problems in the comfort of your home is also the greatest place for kids to learn by trial and error. Remember, the best way to teach any skill is by showing, not telling. So, model each step below, and then rehearse it over and over until your child can do each step without you.Keep reinforcing a realistic approach to help your kids solve problems until they can confidently do so on their own. Finally, make sure you are modeling how to solve problems. Kids watch their parents’ conflict styles and copy them. 

Each letter in the acronym S.T.A.N.D. represents one of the five steps in conflict resolution.

S – Stop and calm down. Keep emotions in check.

T – Tell what’s bugging you. Listen to each side. Stick to facts!

A – Assess alternatives. Brainstorm your options.

N – Narrow the choices to “win-wins”

D – Decide on the best one that you both agree upon -and do it!

1. Stop and Calm Down

The first step to solving problems peacefully — or conflict resolution — is teaching kids how to calm down and tune into their feelings. The reason is simple: it’s impossible to think about how to solve a problem if you’re upset. Once in control, you can begin to rationally figure out why you’re upset and then find an answer to your dilemma.  So teach your kid to take a slow deep breath to calm down or walk away until he’s calm. If emotions are high between the two kids, do intervene: “I see two angry kids who need to calm down so they can figure out how to solve their problem.”  Tip: You might need to separate the kids until their anger is under control.

2. Take Turns Telling What the Problem Is

The trick in this second step in conflict resolution is to teach and then enforce these two critical rules:

1. No put downs or name-calling: You must listen to each other respectfully. (And that takes time!)
2. No interrupting: Each person gets a chance to talk. You might ask each kid to say what happened, summarize each view, and then end with, “What can you do now to solve this problem?” Make suggestions only when your kids really seem stuck.

3. List the Alternatives to Resolving It

Next, kids need to think of alternatives so they have more ways to achieve conflict resolution. Whether your child is a preschooler or an adolescent, the basic rules of thinking of solutions (or brainstorming — or “storming your brain for ideas”)  are the same:

• Say the first thing that pops into your mind-every idea counts.
• Don’t put down anyone else’s ideas.
• Change or add to anyone’s idea.
• Try to come up with ideas that work for both sides.

Don’t offer your help unless kids really seem stuck! The only way they will develop the confidence to figure things out alone is if you let them.  To keep kids focused, say they must come up with five (or two or three for younger kids) different solutions before you return. Then leave for a few minutes. Stretch the time depending on the children’s age and problem-solving skills.

4. Narrow Choices

Narrow the options down to a few choices. Hint: You will have to go through this a few times but the process is so important. These are the steps that teach decision-making — the same steps your tween or teen will need later to make good, wise, and safe choices alone. 

Here are  two rules to help kids get closer to resolving the problem:

1. Eliminate solutions that are unacceptable to either kid because they don’t satisfy their needs.
2. Eliminate any solutions that aren’t safe or wise (or against our home rules).

5. Decide the Best Choice and Do It!

The final step helps kids learn how to make the best decision by thinking through the consequences of their choices.  You can teach kids to think about the consequence of their remaining choices by asking: “What might happen if you tried that?”

Another way to help kids decide on the best choice is by helping them weigh the pros and cons of each remaining possibility: 

• “What are all the good and bad things that might happen if you chose that?” 
• “What is the one last change that would make this work better for both of us.”

Once they decide, the two kids shake on the agreement or take turns saying, “I agree.” And then they must stick to that agreement. Yes, it will take time — so keep on. Remember, your real goal is to help your kids learn to act right and make safe, wise choices without you. So keep guiding your kids until they can do the steps– and then step back so they will.