SPECIAL BONUS COMMENTARY: Father or Friend? 623.6
As Father’s Day approaches, I want to share an edited version of a father’s letter to his son sent to me years ago by a listener named Sergio Ferreira.
Dear Son,
When I was a teenager I wished, just as you do now, that my dad could be my best friend. However, it wasn’t until my time to be a father when I understood why my wish would never come true.
There is the big difference between a friend’s role and father’s role.
A father must provide his son constant love, economic subsistence, and an education. He must also protect and guide him, set a good example, and instill in him ethical and moral values so he may become a more responsible, self-sufficient, and compassionate human being.
A father who tries to be a best friend can’t be a real father. To be a friend is voluntary. It’s an option. To be a father is a privilege, but above all it’s a moral obligation.
My duty as a father is to give you what you need, not necessarily what you want.
When you were born, God gave me a blessing that has brought me great happiness. At the same time, he gave me a difficult mission – to be responsible for your moral development and well-being.
Some day you’ll understand the meaning of this letter. It will be one of the happiest days of your life – when you hold your first child in your arms. From that moment on, you’ll understand that being a real father is much more important than being a friend.
This is Michael Josephson wishing all fathers and their children a glorious day of mutual appreciation and understanding love.
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Comments
How sad that Sergio thinks he will never see the day that he can be his son's friend. While the sentiments of his letter are true for the younger years, to continue them past early adulthood would serve only to subjugate his son and retard the growth of their relationship. There comes a time in adulthood - even before fatherhood - that a father and child can become friends and confidants as well as parent and offspring. For some reason we continue to see our kids as children first and functioning adults second even as they surpass us in accomplishments. (I joke with my kids, "You're not too big for me to spank!") While I still dispense fatherly advice, I also relate to my kids as independent people who choose to be friends. I hope Sergio will one day experience this same enjoyment.
Posted by: James | June 19, 2009 1:47 PM
I'm not sure Sergio thinks he will never be his son's friend. It appears he is referring to the young years of development through adolescence to adulthood. As a teacher, I have observed parents who choose to be friends first and parents second.
James, it sounds like you have an exceptional relationship with your children. We do make choices to be parents and friends to our grown children, but they are making choices also. Children can become independent and criticize their parents or continue the loving bond. I teach my students to make good choices. I hope parents will also make wise choices.
Posted by: Marinell Davis | June 21, 2009 5:44 AM
I understand very well where Sergio is coming from. I was raised by loving parents, not friends. I can remember hearing the words from my father, "I am not here to be your friend," more than a couple of times when I was not at my personal best.
However, I will never, ever forget a conversation with my father when I was in my mid-20s when he told me he was proud of me and my accomplishments. He went on to tell me that he appreciated the fact that we had become friends. Even more importantly, if I was not his son, I was the kind of person he would still cherish as his friend.
It meant a lot to me as a person to know that my relationship with my father had grown to that level. He always had to claim me as a son, good or bad. However, I knew he never had to view me as a friend, but he did.
Posted by: David Barr | June 24, 2009 7:23 AM