Many people have been seduced by the Peter Pan philosophy of refusing to grow up and avoiding the burdens implied in being accountable. Yes, responsibility sometimes requires us to do things that are unpleasant or even frightening. It asks us to carry our own weight, prepare and set goals, and exercise the discipline to reach our aspirations. But the benefits of accepting responsibility far outweigh the short-lived advantages of refusing to do so. No one makes his or her life better by avoiding responsibility. In fact, irresponsibility is a form of self-imposed servitude – to circumstances and to other people.

Responsibility is about our ability to respond to circumstances and to choose the attitudes, actions, and reactions that shape our lives. It is a concept of power that puts us in the driver’s seat.

The grand panorama of the potential of our lives can only be appreciated when we begin to be accountable and self-reliant. Responsible people not only depend on themselves but show others that they can be depended on. This breeds trust, and trust is a key that opens many doors.

If you want more control over your life and the pleasures, prerogatives, and power of freedom and independence, all you have to do is be responsible.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Whether she will choose to engage in this scheme and order Bob to participate, and whether Bob will do so, is not only a matter of personal character but of corporate culture.

Decisions of employees like Amy and Bob are strongly influenced by their perceptions of the company’s character and operational values. In most organizations, you get what you reward and encourage what you allow.

Amy is more likely to avoid deceptive conduct if she believes that integrity and honesty are ground rules rather than rhetorical ornaments and that she’ll be more severely sanctioned for deceptive conduct than for missing her numbers. Similarly, Bob is more likely to say no to his boss if he’s convinced the company wants him to and will support him if he does.

In today’s precarious environment, leaders have a duty to assess their organization’s culture and do whatever is needed to strengthen or create a sustainable ethical environment that generates trust and promotes honesty, fairness, and unflinching accountability as well as legal compliance.

This can’t be accomplished by lofty rhetoric or even strict ethics codes. Words and rules must be translated into expectations and made believable by modeling from senior executives and by adopting performance-review criteria, compensation systems, and promotion decisions that reward ethical judgments and punish ethical shortcuts.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

The question is not whether I or others outraged by his actions should forgive him. We don’t have the moral authority to forgive someone for sins committed against others.

The primary issue is justice, fairness, and mercy.

Lots of folks believe justice demands that, in addition to the criminal penalties already imposed, he should be banned from football and be a social outcast, subjected to contempt and condemnation for the rest of his life. Many believe decent people should have nothing to do with him.

I disagree.

Although I found his conduct revolting and despicable, I believe in the principle of proportionality, that every punishment should fit the crime. I also believe that even people who have done very, very bad things (drug dealers, white-collar crooks, child molesters, etc.) and ruined the lives of others are entitled to a second chance.

I know some would like the law to impose much stiffer penalties, but those imposed reflect the legislature’s view on the seriousness of the crime.

I don’t think it’s fair to enhance a penalty just because a person is rich or famous or if some think him arrogant and unrepentant.

No one has ever paid a steeper price for similar crimes and sins. His 18-month prison sentence was unprecedented. He lost and gave away millions of dollars. His reputation has been shattered. And I believe the continuous and often vicious attacks, whether justified or not, have inflicted real and serious emotional pain.

He shouldn’t be getting any awards or be held up as a victim or hero, but heaping endless punishment on him is unjustified cruelty. Enough already.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

The commentary evoked scores of passionate, wildly divergent opinions. That’s a good thing.

Unfortunately, many comments were filled with name-calling, accusations, and outrage. So instead of light, we got heat. That’s a bad thing.

Why do so many of us assert and defend our views as if our lives depended on it? Why is it so hard to truly listen to and consider opposing points of view with an open mind?

On complex issues, people rarely agree on even the basic facts, let alone their interpretation. Our point of view is strongly influenced by our experiences, and many disagreements are rooted in the priority we assign to different values. When we take time to understand this, we often realize that everyone who disagrees with us is not necessarily a fool or scoundrel.

The willingness to seek understanding of all points of view on an issue and the willingness to change one’s mind are important qualities of intelligence and character.

I initially decided not to interject my personal thoughts on the Vick issue because my opinion is not inherently more valuable than any other, and since there was so much legitimate controversy, I saw no value in taking sides.

Then I realized my hesitation was partially due to my desire to avoid losing credibility with those who are bound to disagree. That’s not an acceptable reason to refuse to engage in discourse.

So tune in tomorrow. Some of you will be disappointed or dismayed, but I hope you don’t become disconnected.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Although I’m not anymore, I used to be comfortable with this technique. After all, that’s what lawyers are paid to do. And, despite public disdain for lawyers, it’s precisely what most clients want and expect when they hire a lawyer.

The fact is that long-standing traditional assumptions about the adversary system do justify the search for and use of legal loopholes. But strategies to evade the spirit of promises and laws put our integrity on a slippery slope.

Further down that slope is the willingness to fabricate facts, lie about true intent, or falsely deny knowing or remembering things. These are fundamentally lies. They’re dishonest and unethical in litigation, business transactions, and personal relations.

For example, a common ploy to evade limits on campaign contributions is to donate funds in the name of minor children. But falsely representing that the children actually exercised control and independent judgment isn’t just being clever, it’s fraud. The same is true for workers who falsely claim to be sick to take a day off work or to evade no-strike laws, parents who misrepresent their address to get their child in a better school or fudge their child’s age to qualify for a discount, and executives who backdate documents.

Exploiting loopholes is bad enough, but lying crosses the line.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

In Tennessee, two teenagers were in a high-rise building. One dared the other to slide down a trash chute. His friend did so -- right into an automatic trash compactor. The one who egged him into the fatal accident was traumatized, possibly for life.

Four college fraternity students in California were charged with manslaughter when a pledge they were hazing died after they forced him to drink gallons of water.

What makes these stories all the more tragic is that we’re not talking about bad kids. We’re talking about fundamentally decent kids who made really bad choices.

The recurring nightmare of caring parents is that, during the course of growing up, their children will seriously damage themselves by unwise decisions. An endless array of bad consequences can result from reckless conduct to impress friends, thrillseeking, or giving in to the temptation of drugs, alcohol, or sex. And when kids get involved with irresponsible, manipulative, cruel, selfish, or simply stupid people who call themselves friends, there’s no telling what dumb things they will do.

All youngsters will make foolish mistakes, as we did. Still, we can equip them with reasoning tools that can help them see and avoid really big, bad choices.

We can improve their decision-making skills by talking to them often about the importance of acting rationally, even when everyone around them seems overtaken by impulse. We can tell them stories to help them evaluate situations and anticipate potential consequences.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Although I wish it were otherwise, appeals to self-interest are more compelling than appeals to conscience. The best way to get the attention of executives is to talk in terms of risk management.

It’s easy to make the case that dishonest, irresponsible, or illegal actions can be enormously costly. Thus, responsible leaders understand the value of creating and sustaining an ethical workplace culture.

Meaningful efforts, however, need to go beyond codes and classes.

Codes of conduct are important to provide a framework for compliance. And training courses can teach legal requirements, raise ethical consciousness, and encourage employees to do the right thing. But unless ethical values are advocated and enforced in everyday decision-making, the risk of reputation-damaging and resource-draining misconduct will remain high.

In an ethical culture, values and character play a prominent role in recruitment, employment, orientation, in-service training, performance reviews, and discipline.

In an ethical culture, formal and informal incentive systems promote honesty, moral courage, responsibility, and fairness. Contrary behavior is risky, not simply because it harms the organization but because it endangers the careers of those who take moral shortcuts.

In the workplace, you get the behavior you reward. Character counts – if you count it.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

After his release, he was allowed to resume his football career despite opposition from folks who believe he should be banned for life. His supporters say he’s entitled to a new start having paid a huge penalty above and beyond his prison sentence.

He received a moderate (by NFL standards) $1.6 million contract from the Philadelphia Eagles, which also obtained an option to sign him in 2011 for $5.2 million if he regains his former prowess on the field.

He also worked out a deal with The Humane Society of the United States, a virulent and vocal critic of his conduct, whereby he would speak to inner-city youth about the evil of dogfighting at least two times per month.

Mr. Vick has apologized extensively for his behavior and expressed remorse, though his critics doubt his sincerity.

The Humane Society justified its use of Mr. Vick on the grounds that his efforts may reduce animal cruelty and that he paid his penalty to society. They also received a $50,000 grant from the Eagles to support their anti-dogfighting campaign.

Recently, his teammates unanimously voted for him to receive the Ed Block Courage Award, which was created to honor players who exemplify commitment to the principles of sportsmanship and courage.
This saga presents a cornucopia of ethical issues. What do you think of the following?

• Was the prison sentence, clearly enhanced by his notoriety, too harsh, too lenient, or just right?
• Does the voluntary gesture of donating a million dollars for dog welfare, even if motivated by self-interest, count for anything from a moral perspective?
• In considering what’s fair, should all the collateral costs in terms of the money he lost, the damage to his career and reputation, and the criticism he’s endured count for anything?
• Should the NFL have reinstated him, or should it have banned him longer or for life to make a statement and protect its reputation?
• Was it right for the Eagles to put him on their team?
• Should the Humane Society have accepted his offer for community service?
• Does it matter whether the Humane Society thinks he’s remorseful or simply trying to earn back a decent reputation so long as his involvement produces positive good to the Society’s mission of protecting animals?
• Does the acceptance by the Humane Society of the $50,000 grant from the Eagles from a newly formed program compromise the Society’s integrity?
• Was it right for the Eagles’ players to select him for an award designed to honor players who exemplify commitment to the principles of sportsmanship and courage? Did that decision help or hurt the league’s reputation?
• Upon receiving the award, Mr. Vick said, “It means a great deal to me. I was voted unanimously by my teammates. They know what I’ve been through. I’ve overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear. You ask certain people to walk through my shoes, they probably couldn’t do it – probably 95 percent of the people in this world – because nobody had to endure what I’ve been through, situations I’ve been put in, situations I put myself in, and decisions I have made, whether they have been good or bad.” Does this statement strengthen or undermine his claim to the award?
• Although the award is set up so players of each of the 32 NFL teams select a recipient, should the Ed Block Courage Award Foundation intervene or make a statement if this award discredits the purpose of its founder?
• Should the NFL make a statement on this or remain silent?

Sure, technology can be abused and not everything is great, but how can you not love the Internet, laptop computers, smart phones, and all the apps that make your phone magically accomplish an astonishing array of useful tasks?

I’ve already told you I use the Kindle to read electronic books, but did I tell you I can select and send passages to my computer for later use? I also told you I prefer to listen to books on my iPhone, but did I tell you that I listen at double speed – people talk too slow anyway – and that I’ve listened to more books in the past year than I read in the previous five? For example, in just the past 30 days I finished two extensive biographies of Lincoln, a Pulitzer Prize-winning history of the Civil War, Malcolm Gladwell’s brilliant What the Dog Saw, and three sports books.

The audio system in my Prius connects wirelessly to my iPhone so I can handle hands-free calls as well as listen to my music and books. And the car’s satellite-connected GPS flawlessly guides me wherever I want to go. If I ask, it will take me to the nearest gas station, restaurant, or Starbucks.

I could go on, but one of my kids just texted me and I have to check my e-mail to read my Google Alerts. Yikes, I haven’t communicated with my Facebook friends and fans for hours.

If you don’t have a smart phone with apps (I love my iPhone), you have no idea what you’re missing. And if you aren’t on Facebook, you really ought to try it. It will surprise you.

If you are on Facebook, please join the CHARACTER COUNTS! community here and the Commentary community here. Let me know what you think.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

I don’t even watch DVDs on my laptop anymore. Instead, I download documentaries and my favorite TV shows on my iPhone.

I read my news online, including articles sent to me by Google Alerts, and I download unabridged audio versions of books that I transfer via iTunes to my iPhone. My phone is connected to my car sound system so I also listen to my books in the car – far more than I used to read. But when I want to read, I use my Kindle, a convenient device that downloads and stores electronic versions of newspapers and books.

I hardly ever send or receive hard copy letters. I correspond mostly by e-mail, and I often communicate to family and others via text messaging over the phone or on Facebook. Every day I post comments and interact with people on four different Facebook pages: a personal one, the official CHARACTER COUNTS! page, a page for folks who follow my commentaries, and a new teen page called MyLife 24-7.

Oh, and I also have several Twitter accounts.

Since I’ve moved from big-screen theaters to the small screens of computers and mobile phones, the Academy Awards and Hollywood celebrities just don’t seem so important anymore. What a pity.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Often it’s a response to us criticizing them. It could be about the person’s chronic lateness, thoughtlessness, broken promises, physical or verbal abuse, or infidelity. Whatever it is, we’re asked to let it go.

In the end, this is a ploy to get us to lower our expectations based on the dubious idea that bad habits are an intrinsic part of character and therefore beyond our control. We’re expected to believe it’s foolish and futile to expect others to change.

Lots of things, of course, are beyond our control: short stature, big bones, receding hairline. Fortunately, character is different. That’s completely within our control. The poor and the rich, the slow and the smart, the plain and the pretty all have an equal opportunity to become people of character.

Sure, character can be influenced by heredity and environment, but it’s determined by choice. No disposition, circumstance, or experience is so powerful that it forever fixes our character. Our character is never finished. It’s constantly shaped and sculpted by the choices we make to nurture or ignore our more noble instincts and to surrender to or overcome negative impulses and corrupting temptations.

When it comes to what we demand of ourselves or others, we should never lower our standards. Character is a function of choice. Weaknesses and bad habits are not excuses not to get better.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

When he became disoriented, he asked a young boy named Timmy where the park was. Timmy said he’d like to take him there, but he didn’t have time because he was looking for God. He said he needed to talk to Him about why his parents were getting a divorce.

“Maybe God’s in the park,” the old man said. “I’d like to talk to Him, too, about why He’s made me useless.” And so they set off together to find God.

At the park, Timmy began to cry about the divorce, and Abe lovingly held his face in both hands and looked him straight in the eyes. “Timmy, I don’t know why bad things happen, but I know it wasn’t because of you. I know you’re a good boy and your parents love you and you’ll be okay.”

Timmy gave Abe a big hug and said, “I’m so glad I met you. Thanks. I think I can go now.”

From across the street, Timmy’s mother saw them hug and approached her son in a worried voice. “Who was that old man?”

“I think he’s God,” Timmy said.

“Did he say that?” she demanded.

“No, but when he touched me and told me I’m going to be okay, I felt really better. Only God can do that.”

When Abe got home, his son asked in a scolding voice, “Where were you?”

“I was in the park with God.”

“Really? What makes you think you were with God?”

“Because He sent me a boy who needed me, and when the boy hugged me, I felt God telling me I wasn’t useless anymore.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Charlie answers, “To make others happy.”

Lucy replies, “I don’t think I’m making anyone happy,” and then adds, “but nobody’s making me very happy either. Somebody’s not doing his job!”

People like Lucy are so sure happiness is a matter of getting something that they ask not what they can do for others but what others can and should do for them. They usually feel shortchanged or cheated. They become so preoccupied with what they don’t have that they can’t enjoy what they do have.

What’s more, they don’t realize one of the best ways to be happy is to experience the joy and self-worth of making others happy.

In his book Happiness Is a Serious Problem, Dennis Prager argues that it’s human nature to want and feel we need more. The problem is, the quest for more is endless because we can always add more to whatever we have. As a result, the Lucys of the world often live in an “if only” world that keeps them one step away from happiness: “If only I get this raise, make this sale, pay off my debts, or win this game, I’ll be happy.”

Abraham Lincoln understood that happiness is essentially a way of looking at one’s life: “A person is generally about as happy as he’s willing to be.”

Thus, we’re more likely to experience happiness if we realize it’s not just getting what we want. It’s learning to want what we get.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

The Whitmores created a website, www.griefHaven.org, to help parents and others maimed by the death of a child escape the black swamp of despair and find a road to a brighter future.

About half the people at the dinner had lost a child and therefore were serving a common sentence – to live the rest of their lives with a hole in their hearts.

No one could blame them if they retreated to a dark dungeon of despondency, but the remarkable people in that room refused to surrender. They made a painful peace with their reality so they could move on, so they could laugh, so they could enjoy the company of others and savor good memories without being consumed by regret.

Their strategy is not to bury their pain so deep that they forget their loss. They want to remember, to celebrate, and to honor their children – not by weeping but by improving the world in their child’s name.

I thought the evening would be depressing and there were indeed solemn moments, but in the end, the event was uplifting. These folks prove the resiliency of the human spirit and an inner strength we all have if we choose to draw on it.

Winston Churchill once said, “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” That’s what these folks did, proving that even the darkest days ultimately yield to the warmth and light of sunshine.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

After I wrote yesterday's commentary (660.2), I received this letter from Susan Whitmore:

Susan
The Erika Whitmore Godwin Foundation
"Where Hope Resides"
www.griefHaven.org

Last week, Julia Siegler, a lovely 13-year-old, was killed rushing to catch her school bus. She thought she could make it through the red light. Her horrified, traumatized mom saw the whole thing.

I can’t imagine a more painful, soul-shattering event. Even my empathy hurts too much. I have to force my mind away from pondering what it must be like to wake up to discover that the horrible nightmare you just had wasn’t a dream at all.

I’ve worked with a group called Griefhaven.org, a wonderful resource to help parents and others find their way out of the dark dungeon of despair when horrible things like this happen, and I know most people do recover. They don’t heal completely, but they find ways to live on, to enjoy the days they have with the people they have.

Still, I am tormented by my helplessness in the face of agonizing grief and by a sense of guilt that I’m so glad it didn’t happen to me.

And I’m overwhelmed by even the possibility that, but for the grace of God, there go I. Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life is scary.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Last week lots of other parents also lost children including Marie Osmond, whose son apparently committed suicide, and many victims of the earthquake in Chile. Each of these parents is as much entitled to our deepest compassion and sympathy.

“In my Lucia’s absence
Life hangs upon me and becomes a burden.
I am ten times undone, while hope and fear
And grief and rage and love rise up at once,
And with variety of pain distract me.”
– Joseph Addison