Let's be honest. Ethics is not for wimps.

It’s not easy being a good person.

It’s not easy to be honest when it might be costly, to play fair when others cheat, or to keep inconvenient promises.

It’s not easy to stand up for our beliefs and still respect differing viewpoints.

It’s not easy to control powerful impulses, to be accountable for our attitudes and actions, to tackle unpleasant tasks, or to sacrifice the now for later.

It’s not easy to bear criticism and learn from it without getting angry, to take advice, or to admit error.

It’s not easy to feel genuine remorse and apologize sincerely, or to accept apologies graciously and truly forgive.

It’s not easy to stop feeling like a victim, to resist cynicism, or to make the best of every situation.

It’s not easy to be consistently kind, to think of others first, to judge generously, or to give the benefit of the doubt.

It’s not easy to be grateful or to give without concern for reward or gratitude.

It’s not easy to fail and still keep trying, to learn from failure, to risk failing again, to start over, to lose with grace, or to be glad of another’s success.

It’s not easy to look at ourselves honestly and be accountable, to avoid excuses and rationalizations, or to resist temptations.

No, being a person of character isn’t easy. That’s why it’s such a lofty goal and an admirable achievement.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

One of the highlights of my life as a dad – and having five kids, I've had quite a few – occurred on a Saturday afternoon when I was taking my then 13-year-old son Justin and his friend Aaron to a movie. As we entered the theater, I noticed the ticket seller had undercharged me, so I asked the boys to wait a moment while I returned the money.

This did not please the boys, who were anxious to get choice seats.

Nevertheless, I endured hostile glares from people in line and even an annoyed reaction from the cashier, who corrected the mistake. When I returned, Aaron, who was exasperated because the prime seats had been taken, asked, "Why did you have to do that? It was her mistake, not yours."

I was about to launch into a lecture on integrity when my son, who was also irritated, looked at his friend and said, "What did you expect him to do?"

Many years later, this memory is an uplifting reminder of the impact we have on the character of our kids. Hearing from my son that he expected me to be honest and knew I expected the same of him was like a pat on the back saying I'd done okay as a father.

My son, still one of the most honest people I know, realized that honesty is neither a convenience nor a choice. To a person who values integrity, it's a habit.

When it comes to parenting, it's hard to know what's working and what isn't, but one of the best rewards for attentive parenting is seeing something good in our children and knowing we played a part.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:53 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

A listener wrote to say she was selecting some of her favorite commentaries to put into a notebook for her 12-year-old son. She said she was going to underline portions she thought were particularly pertinent.

I love it whenever someone wants to share my thoughts, especially with children, but I've come to realize how difficult it can be to successfully pass on what we think is great wisdom, especially to our own children.

I hope you'll write with your ideas, but drawing from lots of unsuccessful efforts with my own children, I have some thoughts:

1. While it's a parent's job to positively influence attitudes and behaviors of their children, any form of preaching with a "you should" message or tone is generally ineffective. It invites an attack-the-messenger tactic: "You don’t live your life perfectly, so what makes you qualified to tell me how to live mine?"

2. Most young people get very defensive very quickly when they think advice is simply disguised criticism. And when they get defensive, they don’t process advice in a constructive manner.

3. Though it's easier said than done, the most effective and rewarding method is to convey or elicit information and insight in the setting of a discussion. Ask an open-ended question as to what the child thinks, knows, or has observed about issues raised in a news event, movie, or a comment. Be sure the question is not just another masked way of conveying a criticism.

4. Don't try to convey the encyclopedia of wisdom in one sitting. Break up your "lesson plans" into small pieces and be very selective as to the time and place you begin the discussion.

5. If you want real progress, tell the child about your own shortcomings and challenges both past and present. Moral humility invites reflection.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comment (4)

This commentary was supposed to be Part Two of a list of principles I prepared for my daughter, who is going off to college. But events have made two of these principles particularly pertinent:

• When everything seems to be going wrong, take notes because your worst days often become your best memories.
• The difference between a colossal inconvenience and great adventure and is perspective; find the fun and learning in every experience.

I’m recording this from New York City under circumstances that will test these beliefs.

My wife and I are here to help our daughter move into her college dorm, but we’ve been told that her Sunday move-in date is postponed to Monday in anticipation of Hurricane Irene. I know this may be optimistic and that the impending storm could cause serious harm, but for now, I choose to think of the upcoming days as an adventure that we will all remember and talk about forever.

We will be very prudent and should be safe, but if the hurricane directly hits Manhattan – which hasn’t happened in more than 100 years – it may be more of an adventure than we would like. There will be flooding in lower Manhattan, which may halt transportation, flood subways and streets, and close airports. Windows on the higher floors of the city’s many skyscrapers may be broken, streets will be strewn with glass and other debris, and torrential rains could last a few days.

Doesn’t seem likely we will move in on Monday or fly home Monday evening.

Please wish us well as we may need more wise sayings about adventure.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:04 AM | Permalink | Comment (2)

It’s been said that the line between childhood and adulthood is crossed when we move from saying, “It got lost” to “I lost it.” Indeed, being accountable and understanding and accepting the role our choices play in the things that happen are crucial signs of emotional and moral maturity. That’s why responsibility is one of the main pillars of good character.

Many people have been seduced by the Peter Pan philosophy of refusing to grow up and avoiding the burdens implied in being accountable. Yes, responsibility sometimes requires us to do things that are unpleasant or even frightening. It asks us to carry our own weight, prepare and set goals, and exercise the discipline to reach our aspirations. But the benefits of accepting responsibility far outweigh the short-lived advantages of refusing to do so. No one makes his or her life better by avoiding responsibility. In fact, irresponsibility is a form of self-imposed servitude – to circumstances and to other people.

Responsibility is about our ability to respond to circumstances and to choose the attitudes, actions, and reactions that shape our lives. It is a concept of power that puts us in the driver’s seat.

The grand panorama of the potential of our lives can only be appreciated when we begin to be accountable and self-reliant. Responsible people not only depend on themselves but show others that they can be depended on. This breeds trust, and trust is a key that opens many doors.

If you want more control over your life and the pleasures, prerogatives, and power of freedom and independence, all you have to do is be responsible.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:56 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

Since my children were small, I launched their day with the invocation to “be good, have fun and learn.” I hope they remember that mantra, but now that my daughter Samara is beginning her independent life as a college freshman 3,000 miles away, I think a more detailed set of maxims is needed. So, I’ve begun to assemble a collection of concise (20 words or fewer) insights that I hope will guide, protect, nourish and inspire her to reach her potential for happiness and success.

Here are the first ten:

1. You will be as happy as you are willing to be; choose to be happy.
2. Have fun and enjoy your life, but never confuse fun or pleasure with happiness.
3. Never let your happiness or sense of self-worth depend on someone else's love or approval.
4. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice.
5. How you deal with what happens to you is more important than what happens to you.
6. Real friends make you feel good about yourself but encourage you to be even better.
7. It’s not just what you say, do, or intend, but how you make people feel that is most important.
8. Failure is not a fact; it’s a perspective. Find the lesson in every setback and you'll never fail.
9. It’s never wrong to admit you were wrong; no one is always right.
10. Don’t let grudges or resentments ruin your life or your day; let go, forget, move on!

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Marriage is not a word; it's a sentence.

Marriage is finding the one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Why are there so many mean jokes about marriage?

Today, my bride and best friend Anne and I celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary – and our marriage is no joke.

Marrying Anne was the smartest thing I ever did. We had the best prenuptial agreement you could create: we promised to keep loving each other. And we have.

They say a wedding anniversary is a time to celebrate yesterday’s memories, today’s joys, and tomorrow’s hopes.

In fact, our memories of ten years of diapers, strollers, and car seats help transform today's constant chaos of serving and supervising four active and independent teenage daughters into a form joy.

Every milestone event proves the wisdom of Mignon McLaughlin's description of a successful marriage as falling in love many times with the same person.

A happy marriage is as hard and as simple as loving enough to forgive each other and forgiving enough to love each other, no matter what. It’s a continuous conversation with the person who cares about the things you care about more than anyone else in the world. It’s telling each other a thousand things without ever talking. It’s not being able to imagine being without each other.

Contrary to the jokes, marriages are not held together by chains but by the thousands of tiny threads representing shared experiences. I am grateful for every thread and looking forward to a few thousand more.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
_____

Here’s some favorite quotes about love and marriage:

A happy marriage begins when we marry the one we love, and blossoms when we love the one we married. –Sam Levinson

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. –Antoine de Saint-Exupery

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. –George Levinger

Grow old with me!/The best is yet to be. –Robert Browning

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. –Marcel Proust

It doesn’t matter where you go in life, what you do... it’s who you have beside you.

There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to your loved one.

We have changed over the years, but the sparkle in your eyes is as bright as ever, and my love for you is even stronger.

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. –Dinah Craik

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. –Ruth Bell Graham

Our wedding was many years ago. The celebration continues to this day. –Gene Perret

You make me want to be a better person.

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. –Barnett R. Brickner

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without. –James C. Dobson

A perfect marriage is one in which "I'm sorry" is said just often enough. –Mignon McLaughlin

My wife says I never listen, or something like that….

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

The Japanese have a word for it. It’s Judo – the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of Judo is, “Yes dear." –J.P. McEvoy

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comment (8)

Competition often brings out the best performance but it doesn’t always bring out the best in people.

Even in the arts, actors, singers, dancers, and musicians must survive and thrive in a competitive community as rude and rough as any. Ambitious parents often introduce toxic gamesmanship and back-biting attitudes very early as their children are judged and ranked by the awards they receive, the parts they get, and the schools they are admitted to.

Every aspect has a competitive element, and everything matters -- how many lines you have in a play, whether you are first, second, or third chair in an orchestra, and whether you are placed in the center or side in a dance number – and everyone wants a monologue or solo.

So we had mixed emotions when our daughter Aby was offered a scholarship to the renowned Interlochen Center for the Arts Summer Camp. She wants to have a career in performing arts, so we couldn’t deny her the opportunity to receive world-class training and intermingle with some of the most talented young people in the world.

We knew it would be an enriching experience likely to result in lifelong memories and possibly career-enhancing skill development, but we worried whether the experience would enhance or undermine her confidence, whether fear of rejection would prevent the joy of participation, and whether she would be taught to think of her fellow campers as friends or foes. Would they teach her techniques for getting an edge in a dog-eat-dog profession?

We knew she had been up for the lead in "Jane Eyre" but was ultimately given a small part. So when I went to see the final production, I was nervous.

I was relieved, delighted, and frankly surprised to see how she had flourished. She was excited and happy. She loved her director (J. W. Morrissette, Chair of the Theatre Studies Program at the University of Illinois) and her play mates, and she made friends with dozens of amazingly talented and apparently really decent kids in every field of the arts.

It was no accident, and it couldn’t have been easy.

Despite the extraordinary aptitude, endowments, and early achievements of these remarkably talented young people, only a small percentage will accomplish their career goals in the cold, competitive world ahead.

And while I can’t vouch for all the programs at Interlochen (as each seems to be run like a separate school), I did talk to some of the administrators and was encouraged and impressed by their commitment to preparing these budding and blooming artists for the hard realities of the professional world, and to doing so in the context of a social and learning ethos that cultivates their love and appreciation for their art, nurtures their human qualities, encourages them to be mutually supportive, and helps them become better balanced, better people. That itself was an impressive performance – five stars!

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

____________

Some facts about the Interlochen Center for the Arts:

Interlochen is a nonprofit institution founded in 1928. It is housed on a beautiful 1200-acre campus next to a lake just outside Traverse City on the peninsula of Michigan. The facility includes 446 buildings, 100 teaching and rehearsal areas, and 9 major performance venues.

It has both a summer camp that serves about 2,500 students in several 3-6 week sessions and a fully accredited Arts Academy Boarding High School for 500 students.

The Center has a worldwide alumni base of about 85,000. Students ages 8-18 come from all 50 states and 50 other countries.

Special intensive programs are offered in virtually every aspect of the creative arts including: creative writing, dance, motion picture arts, music, theatre, and visual arts.

• The summer of 2011 camp had 257 faculty members and 703 summer staff with a range of responsibilities from dining service to cabin counselors, waterfront and recreation to transportation drivers, summer gardeners, videographers, instrument repair staff, piano tuners, theater set builders and costumers.
• There were 700-plus scheduled classes, rehearsals, or performances each day.


• The center has an annual budget of about $30 million, and about 50% of Camp and Academy students receive financial aid in the amount of about $7 million.


• Forty Presidential Scholars graduated from the Arts Academy.


• Interlochen alumni typically account for 10% of the personnel of the nation's major orchestras.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:41 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

When my daughters were younger and wanted to spend time with me, I used to take each one on an out-of-town trip for alone time.

An especially memorable one was with my youngest daughter Mataya when she was seven. We went to Philadelphia and Washington, D.C. and had a wonderful time touring and talking about American history, the Liberty Bell, the Declaration of Independence, Abraham Lincoln, and even the first moon walk.

It was a great daddy moment when Mataya told me it was the best trip of her life. I told her it was my best trip, too.

She looked skeptical, and with great earnestness she asked, “Daddy, do you say that to all my sisters?”

You should know, Mataya is extraordinarily principled. When she was four, she learned that some of the food she was eating was once a live animal. She decided on the spot to become a vegetarian, and to this day she’s never wavered from that decision.

Her question hit me like an uppercut to my conscience. I tried to finesse my answer by saying how I really loved every trip with my girls, but that one really was special.

She didn’t buy it and nailed me with a family code. Whenever one of us wants a positively no-nonsense, truthful answer, we say, “Really, really?” It imposes an absolute obligation on the other person to be totally honest.

It was an uncomfortable moment of truth. I’d been “really-really-ed,” so I confessed: “Yes, I’ve said that before.”

After a moment, she said, “So you lied to me.”

I tried to weasel out of it by telling her how much I did love our time together, but she stopped me cold with a line that made me proud of her and ashamed of myself: “Next time, just tell me it was one of the best trips of your life. I don’t like it when you lie to me.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comment (2)

Several years ago, when my daughter Carissa was about to enter her first gymnastics competition, I wrote her a letter expressing my hopes and goals for her athletic experience. Here’s a revised version:

My dearest Carissa,

I know you’ve worked hard to prepare yourself to compete, and I know how much you want to win. That’s a good goal. You will always get the best out of yourself when you strive for victory.

But winning is not the only goal or even the most important one. What’s most important is to have fun and learn. I want you to love the sport so much that you find pleasure in the effort itself and in the friendship of your teammates and other competitors.

I want you to know you can do well – no matter who takes home the medals – if you do your best. And you will be a winner if you keep getting better. I want you to pursue excellence with all your heart, not to please me or your mom or anyone else, but to experience the joy of accomplishment.

If you wobble, keep going. If you fall, get up and continue. No matter what happens, keep your head high. Don’t give up or give in. If things don’t go your way, don’t cry, whine, or make excuses.

Always conduct yourself in a way that brings honor to your team, your coaches, your family and, above all, yourself. I want you to be a model of good sportsmanship, treating the sport, its rules, your teammates, other competitors, and judges with respect.

But most of all, I want you to know how proud of you I am.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two kinds of people in the world and those who think those who think there are two kinds of people in the world are self-righteous jerks.

A listener called me to task concerning a story about a man who told his son there are two kinds of people: those who return their shopping carts and those who don't.

His first point was that it's dangerous and foolish to use simplistic categorizations. On this I have to agree, although I didn't think the father who divided the world into two categories was being literal. I think he was making the point that we all have endless choices – either to do the right thing instinctively and consistently or to join those who find excuses not to. The original story came from a book Hugs for Dad by John William Smith. I don't know if it's literally true or not, but it's a powerful parable.

His second point was that he objected to the implication that anyone who doesn't return shopping carts is falling short on any scale of virtue. "As long as markets pay union wages and benefits to employees to collect these carts," he said, "I shouldn't reduce the amount of their work."

This rationale ignores the story's main message: Be considerate, clean up after yourself, and make life easier, not harder, for the next guy. Under his analysis, we help custodians and housekeepers by making a mess.

I don't think I was a bad person when I didn't return shopping carts, but I think I'm a little bit better now that I do. You see, there are two kinds of people in the world: those who want to be better and those who don't.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Ramadan Kareem. Ramadan Mubarak. Kul 'am wa enta bi-khair! (May every year find you in good health!)

Please forgive my pronunciation, but I want to respectfully offer warm wishes and greetings to my Muslim brothers and sisters during the holy month of Ramadan.

To those whose entire perspective of Islam and the Qur'an is shaped by fear and hatred of Muslim extremists committed to the concept of jihad, violent holy war against non-Muslims, it is important to know that the vast majority of the one and a half billion Muslims in the world have the same aversion to terrorism and murder as you and I.

Just as most Jews and Christians do not define their beliefs or guide their lives by the hard passages of the Bible that endorse cruel, violent, unjust, and intolerant behavior, most Muslims do not live by similarly hard passages of the Qur’an.

Most Muslims draw on their holy scripture for lessons about virtue and living a good and worthy life.

During Ramadan, devout Muslims demonstrate their faith through prayer, fasting, and righteous conduct. They are expected to avoid unkind acts and words and resist the sins of envy, greed, and anger. Although charity and good deeds are always important in Islam, they have special significance during Ramadan, as reflection on the meaning of life and the self-discipline and sacrifice entailed in the prayers and fasting are meant to enhance understanding, sympathy, and charity for those who are less fortunate.

The spirit of Ramadan is gratitude and loving kindness.

So I close with these traditional wishes:

May the Ramadan bring you peace and prosperity, good health and wealth, and brighten your life forever. May the spirit of Ramadan illuminate the world and show us the way to peace and harmony.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

__________

More on Ramadan, adapted from infoplease's "Ramadan and Eid-al-Fitr" page, and Wikipedia's "Ramadan" page.

Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic lunar calendar, in which each month begins with the sighting of the new moon. Because the lunar calendar is about 11 days shorter than the solar calendar, Islamic holidays "move" each year. In 2011, Ramadan began at sundown on July 31st and will end on the evening of August 30.

Muslims believe that during the month of Ramadan, Allah revealed the first verses of the Qur'an, the holy book of Islam to the prophet Muhammad.

Ramadan is a month to get closer to the almighty and recommit to religious principles. Prayer, fasting, and self-sacrifice rituals are intended to teach Muslims about patience, spirituality, humility, gratitude, charity, and other virtues of human perfection.

Muslims practice sawm, or fasting, for the entire month of Ramadan. This means that they may eat or drink nothing, including water, while the sun shines. Fasting is one of the Five Pillars (duties) of Islam. As with other Islamic duties, all able Muslims take part in sawm from about age twelve.

During Ramadan in the Muslim world, most restaurants are closed during the daylight hours. Families get up early for suhoor, a meal eaten before the sun rises. After the sun sets, the fast is broken with a meal known as iftar. Iftar usually begins with dates and sweet drinks that provide a quick energy boost.

Fasting serves many purposes. While they are hungry and thirsty, Muslims are reminded of the suffering of the poor. Fasting is also an opportunity to practice self-control and to cleanse the body and mind. And in this most sacred month, fasting helps Muslims feel the peace that comes from spiritual devotion as well as kinship with fellow believers.

In addition to fasting, participating Muslims refrain from sex and other self-indulgences during daylight hours.

On the evening of the last day of Ramadan, Muslims celebrate the night Muhammad first received the revelation of the Holy Qur’an. According to the Qur’an, this is when God determines the course of the world for the following year.

Ramadan ends with the festival of Eid al-Fitr, which in 2011 occurs on August 30. Literally the "Festival of Breaking the Fast," Eid al-Fitr is one of the two most important Islamic celebrations. (The other occurs after the Hajj, or pilgrimage to Mecca.) At Eid al-Fitr, people dress in their finest clothes, adorn their homes with lights and decorations, give treats to children, and enjoy visits with friends and family.

Story of Muhammad and the Roots of Islam, adapted from Between Sundays

Muhammad was born in 570. His father died around the time of his birth, and his mother died when he was six years old. He was raised by his grandfather and an uncle who was a tribal leader. (In those days, most people living in Arabia were nomads. Families, or clans, were organized together into tribes.)

The only people more powerful than tribal leaders were poets. Poets were believed to be possessed of spirits known as "jinn" that inhabit the natural world. Arabs believed jinn could work good and evil, so keeping the spirits happy was important: Most tribes also believed in other gods and goddesses, including Allah (the creator of the universe) and his three daughters.

Each year local tribesmen visited Mecca to see the KaBah, an area built around a mysterious and sacred black stone (possibly a meteorite) that contained a sanctuary dedicated to these goddesses. With these annual pilgrimages, Mecca became an important commercial center as well as a religious center.

During Muhammad's early adult life in Mecca, Arabian society began to become more concerned with individual prosperity than clan and tribal community. At age 25, Muhammad married an older, wealthy merchant woman. He became involved in commerce and traveled frequently to areas north of Mecca, where Christianity and Judaism were prominent.

Muhammad was only mildly happy with the comforts that wealth brought, and he was quite concerned about the decline of traditional values and community. He began to spend a lot of time alone in meditation and prayer.

In 610 Muhammad was traveling home one night when he passed a poor and homeless boy staring blankly out in the night. This caused Muhammad to reflect more deeply about how more people seemed concerned only about themselves. Tribal wars were increasing, and in Mecca money and commerce seemed to dominate everyone’s thoughts and actions. He was troubled when he thought of the misery of poor people like this young boy.

Consumed by these thoughts, Muhammad went to a favorite cave outside Mecca to spend the night fasting and meditating. As he sat in silence, the angel Gabriel appeared, held Muhammad tightly in his arms, and ordered him to recite a short set of words. When Muhammad did so, the angel released him and disappeared. As Muhammad fled from the cave, he heard a voice say, "Muhammad, you are the Messenger of God. And I am Gabriel."

When Muhammad got home, he told his wife Khadijah what he had seen and heard. He said he was afraid he was losing his mind. But the visions of Gabriel continued. Each time Muhammad was asked to recite certain words before the vision would let him go. Khadijah was sure the words had come from God and that Muhammad had been chosen by Gabriel to be a messenger of God, just as the angel had said. It took Muhammad several years of experiencing the visions to come to believe they were truly revelations from God.

By 613 Muhammad was preaching openly in the streets. He declared that there was only one God, Allah. He preached that Allah was all-powerful and that a day of judgment would come to all people. To worship any other gods, or jinn, was to violate the absolute oneness of Allah. The merchants and leaders in Mecca saw Muhammad's ideas as threats to the established religious system that kept them wealthy and in power. Hostility against Muhammad grew until his life was in danger.

In 619 Muhammad moved his family and supporters away from Mecca to nearby Ta'if for refuge. The main tribe there refused to let them stay, so they were forced to return to Mecca. That same year, both Muhammad's wife and his uncle Abu Talib died. In the middle of his sadness and troubles, Muhammad had the most remarkable experience of his life.

One night Gabriel came to Muhammad in his sleep. But instead of talking to him, he flew with Muhammad on a winged horse to Jerusalem, where from a large rock, they ascended to heaven. In heaven Muhammad met with Abraham, Moses, and Jesus. At the end of his journey, it is said that Muhammad stood before God.

Muhammad's followers increased and so did the hostility against them. In 622 Muhammad heard that a group from Mecca were planning to kill him. He arranged to leave Mecca that very night with Abu Bakr, his closest friend. They fled to a cave outside of town where they hid for three days. According to legend, the mouth of the cave was covered with a fine spider's web just moments before the Meccan assassins rode by. When they saw the delicate web covering the entrance, they were sure no one could have recently gone inside.

Muhammad and Abu Bakr traveled to the city of Medina where they formed the first Islamic community. This journey, known today as Hijrah, marks the beginning of the Islamic calendar.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:50 AM | Permalink | Comment (28)

Sarah’s mom agreed to let her 16-year-old go to a party if she promised to be home by midnight. But as the Cinderella hour approached, Sarah did a quick risk/reward calculation. She knew her mom would be angry and probably ground her, but she was having so much fun she decided it was worth it. Sure enough, when she got home at 2:00, her mom was waiting for her, enraged that Sarah had violated her promise but relieved she was safe.

“Breaking your word was bad enough,” her mom said, “but how could you be so cruel and selfish not call and say you were safe? I was worried sick.”

Sarah finished off an evening of bad choices with another: “You forced me into agreeing. The curfew was unfair. As to your worrying, that was your choice. I was perfectly safe. Just tell me the punishment and let me go to bed.”

This is ugly.

Sarah's first mistake was to think she had a right to break her promise because she was “forced” into it. Mom’s proposition was “Deal or no deal?” Sarah made a deal and, like it or not, she was morally bound to keep her word.

Her second mistake was to think she could buy off the moral duty to keep her promise simply by accepting punishment. Her mom’s trust wasn’t mended because Sarah paid a penalty. Ultimately, the issue was not about curfews and parties; it was about trust and credibility. Her lack of remorse and accountability only made things worse, critically damaging her relationship with her mom.

Her third mistake was to think, despite her refusal to accept responsibility for inflicting mental anguish on her mom, she wasn't responsible. She was. If she bothered to think about it, Sarah knew her conduct would cause gut-wrenching worry, every bit as painful as a punch to the stomach. A person is ethically accountable for the predictable consequences of their actions.

In a nutshell, Sarah did not act with character. She was untrustworthy, irresponsible, disrespectful, and unkind. It will take her a long time to build the healthy bonds of trust that both she and her mom want and need.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:41 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

I want to share a slightly edited portion of a letter my friend Scott Raecker wrote to his daughter Emily on sending her off to college:

My Dear Emily,

My life changed the day we found out that you were on your way. From that moment forward, you have been on my mind and heart – every day.

I vividly remember driving you home from the hospital. I was incredibly nervous with this great awareness: I was in control and it was my responsibility to protect you from the dangers of the world.

Now, as you go off to college, I am still nervous. The dangers of the world are still out there, but I don’t have the same control, and the responsibility for your safety is more yours than mine.

When I hug you goodbye on move-in day, I may not be able to say all I want to. I want to be sure you know I love you. I am proud of you. I believe in you. I know you are ready for this next stage of your life.

Your mom and I have watched you grow into your own person, and we trust you to make good choices (though we expect that you will make some mistakes and that from these you will grow).

The rest of your life will not be the next four years – but the next four years will have a significant impact on the rest of your life. So work hard, dream big, make good decisions – and have fun! Let your values, your faith, and your character guide you and never doubt that your mom and I will always love you and be proud of you.

_____

Here is a more complete, unedited excerpt version of Scott’s letter:

My Dear Emily

My life changed the day we found out that you were on your way. From that moment forward you have been on my mind and heart – every day. And while mom did the hard work to bring you into this world – I have been emotionally engaged every step of the way. The day you were born was one of the great joys of my life. I remember your mom and I both saying, “Thank you, God!”

One of the things I vividly remember about your birth and the days that followed was driving you and mom home from the hospital. I was so incredibly nervous driving you home – both hands gripping the wheel (white knuckle), looking in every mirror constantly, with this great awareness that any accident could cause you harm – and it was my control and responsibility that would get you home safe from the dangers of the world. I’m not kidding – it was nerve-wracking.

And also a good analogy of the life changing sequence we are about to go through. The dangers of the world are still out there – and I have been working to give up control and responsibility to protect you. In fact, you are well prepared to take the lead now – and we should both be mindful of one of your favorite songs – "Jesus Take the Wheel."

As you go off to college your life will never be the same – neither will our relationship.
Both will probably take some time to adjust – and we will do that together and we will do it well.

When I hug you goodbye on move-in day these are the things I want to say to you and won’t be able to get out.

I love you. I am proud of you. I believe in you. You are a beautiful person inside and out.

I know you are ready for this next stage of your life, and there are a few things I want to share with you – things you already know – but I will share nonetheless.

* * *

Your mom and I have done our best to help you grow into your own person. We trust you to make good decisions on your own (you may need to remind me of this from time to time) – and expect that some mistakes will be made along the way – and from these you will grow. The consequences from both good decisions and mistakes will be yours to enjoy and sort through.

The rest of your life will not be the next four years – but the next four years will have a significant impact on the rest of your life as you develop your own network of friends – and credentials (as Dean Bloom says) – that will guide the path in store for you. Only you can write your autobiography – and these first 18 years will be a very short Chapter 1 in comparison to what you start writing from this point forward.

A couple of thoughts for you.

College is hard. Go to class. Be prepared for class. Study. Develop relationships with the faculty and have a go-to faculty contact. Take advantage of resources. Ask questions – all questions are good. You will have obstacles – your attitude in how you overcome them will be important – obstacles are good things – and YOU can resolve them and learn from them. You are smart and a hard worker who can compete with the best – and there will be smarter people than you – and harder workers – don’t be intimidated. Surround yourself with good people. Minimize drama in your life and don’t bring it upon yourself. Seek opportunities to be involved and take advantage of them. Step out of your comfort zone. Academic responsibility rests with you.

Alcohol, controlled substances, sex – you will have new opportunities – make choices in alignment with your character and your life will not take unexpected detours. Social responsibility rests with you.

You will experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in the next several years – this will prepare you for the rest of your life. Keep the highs and lows in perspective and balance. Take a deep breath and relax – everything works out.

Stress, anxiety, and even depression, will be natural emotions you will experience. When needed – ALWAYS seek help in appropriate places with appropriate people – and remember that among others, your mom and I will always be appropriate people.

You went to self-defense class for a reason – think safe to be safe.

I would expect you are feeling some of the same range of emotions I have – excited and nervous as well as hopeful and fearful. That is ok and to be expected.

The Six Pillars of Character are not just words for a wall or to memorize – they are a “go-to” code of principles that are an exceptional tool as a guide in how to live life. Use them as a guide when you are making decisions. They are more important to you now than any other time in your life. And in this I speak from experience.

Seek excellence in all you do: think outside the box, identify and manage your priorities, seek a healthy life balance, make excellence your goal, establish productive and positive relationships, serve a cause greater than yourself, and know yourself and your go-to ethical code.

In this world – no one loves you more that your mother and me – and our love is unconditional – don’t ever forget this and use it to your advantage. You will find no better “go-to people” than the two of us.

We have done our absolute best to prepare you well for this moment in your life. Your time is now. Make the most of the opportunities ahead and your significance in this world will be assured.

You are a woman of strong and growing faith. Continue your faith journey in ways that allow you to grow – you know how much your mother and I love you – God loves you more – believe it!

Work hard, dream big, make good decisions – and have fun!

Know my joy in this moment for you. I love you. I am proud of you. I always will be.

Keep the Faith

Dad

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Hospitals are super-sanitary institutions housing millions of dollars of technology and scores of trained medical professionals for the purpose of providing medical care for the sick and injured.

I just spent some time with my daughter at one of the better hospitals in New York City. She received great treatment, but I wish hospitals were more hospitable.

A hospitable place is marked by a generous, welcoming, and cordial atmosphere creating a pleasant, comfortable, and comforting environment.

Sadly, hospitals are often notably inhospitable. Cold indifference and insensitive behavior are more common than considerate compassion and sympathy.

Too often folks seem so busy, bored, or preoccupied with specific tasks that the emotional needs of patients, relatives, and friends are treated as irrelevant or annoying distractions. All but the most assertive are intimidated into passive compliance.

The message is: "Stay out of the way; we treat illness and injuries, not people."

I realize it must be difficult to continuously deal with the anguish and demands of people who think their problems are the most important things in the world, but there are lots of wonderful hospital administrators, nurses, and doctors who know that emotional pain caused by stress, worry, fear, and uncertainty are no less important than physical pain and other symptoms of disease or injury.

Without any loss of effectiveness, they demonstrate that they are as interested in making people feel better as in helping patients get better.

I wonder what it would take to make that the new norm?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

_____

Some people claim the cool indifference is due to the idea that every patient is a potential plaintiff of an unfair or exploitative litigation. Thus, they and their families are often treated as adversaries. The irony is that people are far less likely to sue doctors or institutions they like. As a result, being decent, compassionate, and kind is not only the right thing to do, it is a smart risk-management strategy.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comment (6)

Think of the most ethical person you know. Do a lot of people come to mind or only a few? Are you having trouble thinking of anyone?

If I asked that question of the people who know you well, how many would name you? Almost all? About half? Just a few?

Unless this commentary makes you more humble, you will probably be among the vast majority who say that half or more of the people they know would think of them as an ethical role model. That’s highly unlikely. It’s more probable that almost no one you know would put you at the top of the list. Let’s face it, that’s a tough roster to get on.

Surveys show that about 95 percent of us want others to think of us as highly ethical, so our delusion of grandeur regarding our moral reputation is probably a case of wishful thinking. But wishful thinking won’t do it.

I wish I were thin. Unfortunately, my slim ambitions won’t change my waist size. For me, thinness will be an elusive dream until I convert my desire to actions: exercising regularly and eating moderately.

It’s the same with being ethical. Most of us suffer from moral flabbiness. This doesn’t mean we’re bad, but it does suggest we can be better. What we need is a “Be a Better Person” fitness program to tone up our character and strengthen our ethics. Just like working on our waist, hips, or arms, we could work on our honesty, fairness, and responsibility.

Who knows? If you really work at it, you could even make the list.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you to stay ethically fit because character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

Martin Luther King, Jr., said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” In a world increasingly dominated by unapologetic selfishness, this idea may seem quaint and outdated. Yet, for those who have a grand vision of their purpose and value, striving to be of service is not only a noble thing to do, it’s the best way to lead a truly fulfilling and significant life.

Poet William Allen Dromgoole put it this way:

An old man going a lone highway
Came at the evening, cold and grey,
To a chasm, vast and deep and wide,
Through which was flowing a swollen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim.
That swollen stream held no fears for him,
But he paused when safe on the other side
And built a bridge to span the tide.

“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim near,
“You’re wasting strength with building here.
Your journey ends with the ending day.
You never again must pass this way.
You’ve crossed this chasm deep and wide.
Why build this bridge at the even’ tide?”

The builder lifted his old grey head,
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,
“There followeth after me today
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.

“This swollen stream that was naught for me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He too must cross in the twilight dim.
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you to build bridges for others because character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:23 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

A teenager wants to go to a party, but she’s sure her mom won’t let her. So she and her friend concoct a false cover story.

What’s the big deal? Most kids lie to their parents from time to time, and their parents probably lied to their parents. Despite rhetoric about virtue being its own reward, a great many adults – and a higher proportion of kids – are more likely to make their choices based on a calculation of risks and benefits than moral principles.

Since young people are particularly susceptible to choices that indulge impulses and favor immediate needs and wants, we need to teach them how making bad choices to gratify such desires can sabotage their most important relationships and impede critical life objectives.

Every dishonest act has at least two potential consequences: 1) the actual penalty, and 2) loss of trust. The second is by far the more serious and underestimated.

This is especially true in parent-child relationships. Where trust is important, there are no little lies. When parents don’t believe their children, their cords of control will be tighter and held longer. The price of lying is lost freedom.

It’s often difficult to predict how a decision today will affect tomorrow, but dishonesty often has a lasting negative impact on relationships and reputations as well as self-image and character.

From both a moral and practical perspective, honesty is the best policy.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

There’s a well-traveled story about a teacher who showed his class a one-gallon jar and a dozen large rocks.

After a little rearranging, he got all the rocks into the jar, filling it to the top. He then dumped a bag of gravel into the jar until the spaces between the rocks were filled. Next he poured sand into the jar, shaking it so the sand filled the spaces between the rocks and the gravel. Finally, he emptied a pitcher of water into it.

“What does this demonstration prove?” he asked.

One student said, “No matter how full your life seems, you can always take on a little more.”

Another said, “Sequence and planning is important to maximizing productivity.”

A third said, “It’s about setting priorities. If you don’t deal with the big rocks first, all you’ll end up with is a jar of wet sand and gravel.”

There’s validity to each response, but the idea of identifying and dealing with the big rocks first is a particularly valuable insight.

We will live fuller and more fulfilling lives if we set our priorities – not only at work but in our life as a whole. Our relationships, work, spiritual life, hobbies, and charitable causes all claim our attention. We have to decide what’s really important.

Too often we surrender control of our days, even the direction of our lives, by letting circumstances or other people determine how we spend our time. Thus, we deal with what comes at us in the order that it comes or with squeaking wheels and demanding people.

Unless we distinguish between the rocks, gravel, sand, and water in our lives, we’re likely to neglect or forget the things that truly matter.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comment (9)

I once heard the chairman and CEO of a huge public company tell a roomful of ambitious, hardworking, dedicated executives that if he had to do it all over again, he would have spent more time with his family. That’s not news, but to Type-A personalities, it’s easier said than done.

David L. Weatherford’s poem “Slow Dance” sends the message in a particularly compelling way:

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
Or listened to rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun fading into the night?
You better slow down, don’t dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won’t last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask, “How are you?” do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores running through your head?
You better slow down, don’t dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won’t last.

Ever told your child, “We’ll do it tomorrow,”
And in your haste not seen his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die,
’Cause you never had time to call and say hi?
You better slow down, don’t dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It’s like an unopened gift thrown away.
Life is not a race, so take it slower,
Hear the music before your song is over.

The question isn’t whether this makes sense to you. It’s what are you going to do about it, and when are you going to start?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

A critical maxim of management is “Suitability is as important as capability.” Capability asks, “Can they do the job?” Suitability asks, “Are they right for the job?”

If the job isn’t a good fit, it’s not a good job.

Yes, an employee has to have (or be able to readily acquire) the skills and knowledge required for excellent job performance, but compatibility can be more critical than capacity.

There are three aspects to suitability: intellect, temperament, and objectives.

Intellectually, will the employee be challenged but not overtaxed by the job? People who are overqualified usually fail or leave because they get bored or hate being underutilized. On the other hand, employees who must stretch mightily to do a job often find it too stressful to do so continually.

Temperament and personality are also important. Some people flourish while others wilt in particular organizational cultures. Some need more authority or autonomy than a job entails while others want closer supervision and more direction. Some love and others hate detail work. Some rebel against too much structure while others need orderliness and predictability.

Fit involves integration with existing people and practices and compatibility with the style and values of their boss. An organization should encourage fresh ideas, creativity, innovation, and a willingness to challenge assumptions and approaches, but there’s a significant downside to employees who spend too much energy trying to change their coworkers and the way things are done.

Finally, does the job make sense given the applicant’s financial and career objectives? Despite pledges and protests to the contrary, employees who think they’re taking a step backward in pay or prestige often find easy excuses to leave. In such cases, it’s like hiring a temp but without the control over timing.

A responsible manager must be perceptive and prudent. Just as job applicants tend to say whatever they think the employer wants to hear, employers who need to fill a job tend to believe whatever they want to hear.

There’s no lasting benefit when suitability gaps are filled with wishful thinking or rationalizations.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

According to Henry David Thoreau, a philosopher is a person who seeks to understand and solve the most serious problems of life, not only theoretically, but practically. A true philosopher, Thoreau added, is so committed to wisdom that he seeks to live wisely and so lives a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity, and trust.

By this definition, John Wooden, my favorite coach and teacher, was every inch a great American philosopher. Here are just a few of his powerful insights:

On Perfection: “Perfection is an impossibility, but striving for perfection is not. Do the best you can. That is what counts.”

On Management: “You’ll get better cooperation and results if you are sincerely interested in people’s families and interests, not simply in how they do their job.”

On Learning: “Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.”

On Success: “You must be interested in finding the best way, not in having your own way.”

On Trust: “You will be hurt occasionally if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.”

On Joy: “Mix idealism with realism and add hard work. This will often bring much more than you could ever hope for.”

On Winning: “If you prepare properly, you may be outscored but you will never lose. You always win when you make the full effort to do the best of which you’re capable.”

You can read more in Be Quick – But Don’t Hurry with Andrew Hill and Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court with Steve Jamison.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

“I’m sorry.”

These are powerful words. Authentic apologies can work like a healing ointment on old wounds, dissolve bitter grudges, and repair damaged relationships. They encourage both parties to let go of toxic emotions like anger and guilt and provide a fresh foundation of mutual respect.

But authentic apologies involve much more than words expressing sorrow; they require accountability, remorse, and repentance.

An accountable apology involves a sincere acknowledgment that the apologizer did something wrong. “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” is a fake apology because it accepts no personal responsibility. A better apology is “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” An even better one reveals an understanding of the wrongdoing from the point of view of the person injured and asks for forgiveness. “I’m sorry I called you a bad mother. I was speaking out of anger, and I ask you to forgive me.” Given the natural human tendency to interpret our own words and actions in a manner most favorable to us, it takes great self-awareness to be accountable.

An authentic apology also conveys remorse. It’s easier to forgive persons who have hurt us if we believe they have suffered some pain themselves in the form of regret, sorrow, or shame. Self-inflicted guilt is a form of penance or reparation that clears the road to forgiveness.

Accountability and remorse must also be joined by repentance – recognizing something we did was wrong coupled with a credible commitment to not do it again. Without such a commitment, an apology is hollow. Thus, repetitive apologies for the same conduct are meaningless and often offensive. “I’m sorry” is not a Get Out of Jail Free card that lets people off the hook who repeatedly break promises, get drunk, or say cruel things.

It takes character to both give and accept an authentic apology.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 7:24 AM | Permalink | Comment (2)