The virtue of respectfulness is demonstrated by being courteous, being civil, and treating everyone in a manner that acknowledges and honors their essential human dignity.
An important but often neglected aspect of respectfulness is listening to what others say. Respectful listening is more than hearing. It requires us to consider what’s being said. That’s hard when we’ve heard it before, aren’t interested, or don’t think much of the person talking. It’s even worse when we act like we’re listening but are just waiting for our turn to speak.
The fact is, most of us don’t listen well, certainly not all the time, and especially with those closest to us. Kids are especially adept at tuning out their parents, but parents are equally skilled at ignoring or dismissing as foolish or irrelevant what kids have to say.
The disrespectfulness of not listening is most apparent when others ignore or patronize us (rolling their eyes in a show of impatience or contempt or faking interest with a vacant stare or wandering eyes).
We all want to know that what we say and think matters. But if we want others to care about what we say, we need to care about what they say. Like all the important virtues, we teach respect best by demonstrating it. So listen up! It’ll make people feel better, and you may learn something.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Righteousness Is Revealed in Conduct, Not Rhetoric 729.4
It's hard to look at the world and some of the people who seem to get ahead without occasionally asking ourselves why we should be ethical. However normal it is to think like this, the question should be off limits for people who profess strong religious beliefs. After all, what religion does not mandate morality?
To authentically religious people, the motivation toward virtue is grounded in the acceptance of a nonnegotiable duty to be a good person in the eyes of God, not in anticipation of personal benefits. Dishonest, irresponsible, or unfair conduct is simply wrong.
Although there are skeptics who are suspicious of the rhetoric of religious advocates and proselytizers, there is a positive correlation between religious conviction and virtue. I think the vast majority of deeply religious people draw guidance and strength from their beliefs and live better if not perfect lives.
Still, religious claims and even sincere convictions are no guarantee of genuine righteousness.
Besides disturbed individuals such as those who believe God commands them to perform horrible acts, discredited televangelist preachers, and priests who molest parishioners, we must face the fact that Bernie Ebbers of WorldCom and John Rigas of Adelphia, the masterminds of some of the world's greatest swindles, were highly vocal and visible about their Christian beliefs.
Whether such wrongdoers are mentally ill, hypocrites, frauds, or sincere believers with personal weaknesses, their stories remind us that we can't take for granted the link between religious claims and worthy conduct. It's not that religion fails people; it's that people fail their religion.
In the end, regardless of its source, righteousness is revealed in ethical and upright conduct, not rhetoric.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Five hundred years before the birth of Christ, Confucius was asked, “Is there one word that may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life?”
He answered, “Reciprocity. What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.” This basic principle, now called the Golden Rule, can be found in every major religion and philosophy.
Although many people evoke one version or another of this rule, it’s often misused. You see, the Golden Rule is not primarily a rule of enlightened self-interest. Sure, people are more likely to be nice to you if you’re nice to them, but the moral center of this principle is lost if you simply view it as a rule of exchange: Do unto others so they will do unto you. Do unto others as they have done unto you. Do unto others before they do unto you.
The core of the Golden Rule is a moral obligation to treat others ethically for their sake, not ours, even if it’s better than the way they treat us. Therefore, we should be honest to liars, fair to the unjust, kind to cruel people.
Why? Certainly not because it’s advantageous, but because it’s right. And because the way we treat others is about who we are, not who they are. It’s like the man who broke off an argument that had descended into name-calling by saying, “Sir, I will treat you as a gentleman – not because you are one, but because I am one.”
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
The Ethics of Gay Rights and Same-Sex Marriage 729.2
I have a strong personal opinion on the issue of gay rights and the legalization of same-sex marriage.
If you’re a regular listener you may think you can predict my views based on your impression of me as either a conservative or liberal. Probably half of you will be wrong.
As a missionary of ethics and virtue with the hope of inspiring and encouraging everyone’s moral ambitions and instincts, I covet every mind and conscience I can reach, so it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Thus, I rarely comment on religious or politically controversial issues when it’s likely that my remarks will antagonize those who disagree with me.
Still, some issues involving deeply held political or religious convictions have such profound implications on my ethical principles that calculated silence to maintain popularity would be a form of cowardice. After all, my own definition of character is the willingness to do what you think is right even when it costs more than you want to pay.
With that preface, I boldly and unequivocally support the legal rights and full extension of not merely tolerance but true acceptance of and support for every son and daughter, brother and sister, friend and colleague, and complete stranger who loves and is committed to someone of the same gender.
I understand and respect the sincerity of those whose religious views lead them to a different conclusion, but I have the privilege of knowing, admiring and loving a number of extraordinarily kind, talented and highly ethical gay men and lesbian women, and I am distressed that they must bear insults, prejudice, condemnation, and legal discrimination. It’s more than an issue of civil rights; it’s a matter of respect and caring; it’s a matter of human compassion.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
________
Note: In preparing this commentary I did some research on various religious views of homosexuality and came to realize the irreconcilability of some perspectives, especially those of conservative Christians. I found the website ReligiousTolerance.org particularly helpful in differentiating between conservative and liberal Christian perspectives. Here’s an excerpt:
“Conservative Christian theologians … [believe] all homosexual behavior is sinful, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Homosexuality is a chosen, unnatural, abnormal, changeable, and perverted lifestyle, which is hated by God. Liberal Christian theologians tend to follow a wider variety of translations, and to be more concerned with instances of copying errors in the original Hebrew or Greek, of forgery, and of biases among the translators. They consider some passages (e.g., those referring to slavery, burning some hookers alive, raping female prisoners of war, etc.) as not being valid today, as immoral, and against the will of God. They differentiate among various homosexual and heterosexual sex practices, treating some (rape, prostitution, temple sex rituals) as immoral and some (within committed relationships) as positive. Homosexual orientation and behavior is seen as a normal human sexual expression among a minority of adults. It is not changeable or chosen. Like all sexual behavior, it can be a sin if it is exploitive or manipulative or not carried out safely within a committed relationship.”
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Update, 6/29: Watch this June 27th NBC LA news segment on New York's legalization of same-sex marriage, featuring an interview with Michael Josephson:
Ann’s father, Sam Burke, was in the last stages of cancer, and his needs had gone beyond what she could provide at home. She was distraught at the thought of placing him in a convalescent home.
The check-in process confirmed her worst fears. Administrators, nurses, and doctors who seemed bothered, bored, or burned out quickly transformed Sam Burke into just another patient.
Driving home with tears in her eyes, she remembered when she told her dad that she hated her dorm during her first year of college. “Never accept the unacceptable,” he had told her. “There’s nothing you can’t make better if you put your mind to it.”
Determined to make his last days better, Ann got the names of every person at the convalescent home who might work with her father and delivered a personally addressed envelope to each of them. It contained a note and pictures of her dad getting married, posing with his children, and in military uniform. The note said, “This is my dad, Sam Burke. A good and proud man who fought for his country and worked hard for his family. I know you will treat him with kindness and dignity. I am very grateful.”
During her next few visits, she made sure to introduce her father to everyone: “This is my dad, Sam Burke.” Soon, the looks of suspicion disappeared, and the staff returned her smiles and personally greeted Sam. Each time they did, Sam squeezed Ann’s hand.
When he died months later, Ann received a card signed by the entire staff: “Thanks for entrusting us with your dad, Sam, and for reminding us why we do what we do. He must have been a great father because you sure are a great daughter.”
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
I run into a lot of cynics. The nicer ones commend my good intentions, but one way or another they tell me I’m wasting my time. They tell me I’m a small voice in the wilderness, a salmon swimming up stream. After all, people are what they are and they’re not going to change.
So, do I really think that my little 90-second talks about ethics and character really make any difference? Yeah, I guess I do. Sure, there are times when I feel worn out and wonder whether it’s worth it, but one reason I've always been able to snap back is that I have high hopes and low expectations.
You see, I don’t expect to turn sinners into saints or to eradicate evil, corruption, stupidity, or selfishness. But I do think that with a little encouragement, all of us can and many of us do choose to be better, one decision at a time.
I love the story about a young boy walking on a beach who comes upon hundreds of starfish abandoned on the sand by a rapidly receding tide. Realizing they’ll die unless they get back to the water, he starts picking them up one by one and throws them back into the sea. A passerby makes fun of him for wasting his time. “Foolish boy, there are too many starfish out here. Many are dead already. Throwing a few back won’t make any difference.” Undaunted, the boy looks at the living creature in his hand and says, “It will for this one.”
Cynics worry so much about what can’t be done that they never understand what can be done, one starfish at a time. Every one of us can make a difference, not only in our own lives, but in the lives of others and in the character of our homes, our neighborhoods, and our communities. If we’re not part of the solution, we’re part of the problem.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Should a job applicant properly withhold information about a criminal record or termination from a previous job? Should a woman starting a new relationship say nothing about a previous marriage or abortion? These are problems of candor: When does an ethical person have a duty to reveal negative information about his or her past?
First, let’s reinforce a basic premise: All dimensions of honesty – truthfulness, nondeception, and candor – are important to establishing and sustaining relationships of trust. Intimacy flourishes in an atmosphere of openness and vulnerability. While knowledge of negative information can damage a relationship, secrets discovered later can be fatal.
Second, there’s a much higher expectation of full disclosure in personal relationships than in business relationships.
But, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson’s character in A Few Good Men, not everyone can handle the truth. So why sabotage ourselves by telling a new boss, friend, or potential life partner things that could impede the relationship?
As tempting as it is, keeping such matters secret is like burying landmines within the relationship. Undisclosed truths build fault lines under the foundation of important relationships. In a person of conscience, they can create guilt, fear, and insecurity.
Trust is a state of mind, but maintaining trust is about meeting the expectations of people who trust us. So here’s an easy test: Upon finding out the whole truth, will the person to whom you denied knowledge feel betrayed? If so, the honorable thing is to fess up.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Life is full of all sorts of opportunities, many of which come in unexpected forms at unexpected times. For my wife’s friend Heather, an opportunity to do a great good deed came in the form of a scared and scrawny stray cat she found hiding in some bushes.
Heather loves cats and thought of adopting it, but she already has two, and she’s convinced that taking on a third would officially qualify her as a crazy cat lady.
So her goal in prodding and cajoling the cat out of hiding was to rescue it. The way the cat acted after being given some food and water convinced Heather it was once someone’s pet, so she took it to a vet to see if it had an embedded identifying microchip.
Within a few minutes, the vet found the chip and called the owner, who was beside herself with joy. Heather insisted on delivering the cat, and she was elated to see how happy the owner was to be reunited with her pet.
She found out the cat’s name was Hava, and she had been missing for 16 months. Her owner had given up hope of finding Hava and had actually held a funeral. She couldn’t, however, bring herself to dispose of Hava’s bed and litter box.
It’s a great story that proves the wisdom of this old Quaker saying: “I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again."*
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
*Wikiquote.org documents this quote's history, noting that it has been widely misattributed and was "published as an anonymous proverb at least as early as 1859." In Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations, a variant of it appears (without attribution) in lines of verse.
It was a great Father’s Day. Each of my five children wrote me a personal note and said nice things about my dadship. They were sweet and affectionate, and I loved it.
My craving for praise and affection from my children is a bit pathetic, but as a much-older-than-average father of four teenage girls and a young unmarried adult son, I think about my legacy in terms of how I will be remembered by my children and described to grandchildren I’m not likely to meet.
Of course I hope I’ve helped them develop attributes and wisdom that will improve every aspect of their lives, but it’s especially important to me that I provided them with a sense of security, self-esteem, and self-confidence.
First and foremost, I hope my children feel secure in my love, devotion, and admiration. I hope they have no doubt that I will continue to love them even if they make mistakes or do things I disapprove of. I hope they have confidence that I will support their life goals and do all within my power to protect them.
Second, I hope I’ve helped my children develop self-esteem, a belief that they are essentially good and worthy despite their faults and imperfections. I hope I’ve taught them to always pursue growth and self-improvement but to not judge themselves too harshly.
Finally, I hope I’ve helped instill a steadfast self-confidence in their intellectual abilities and emotional strengths. I want them to believe in themselves and their capacity to do whatever they want to do, be whatever they want to be, and survive every manner of setback or tragedy.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
As Father’s Day approaches, I want to share an edited version of a letter sent to me years ago by a listener named Sergio Ferreira.
Dear Son,
When I was a teenager I wished, just as you do now, that my dad could be my best friend. However, it wasn’t until my time to be a father came up when I understood why my wish would never come true.
There is the big difference between a friend’s role and father’s role.
A father must provide his son constant love, economic subsistence, and an education. He must also protect and guide him, set a good example, and instill in him ethical and moral values so he may become a more responsible, self-sufficient, and compassionate human being.
A father who tries to be a best friend can’t be a real father. To be a friend is voluntary. It’s an option. To be a father is a privilege, but above all it’s a moral obligation.
My duty as a father is to give you what you need, not necessarily what you want.
When you were born, God gave me a blessing that has brought me great happiness. At the same time, He gave me a difficult mission – to be responsible for your moral development and well-being.
Some day you’ll understand the meaning of this letter. It will be one of the happiest days of your life – when you hold your first child in your arms. From that moment on, you’ll understand that being a real father is much more important than being a friend.
This is Michael Josephson wishing all fathers and their children a glorious day of mutual appreciation and understanding love.
According to an old parable, three men were working hard cutting stone from large blocks of granite. When asked what they were doing, the first fellow said, “I’m making bricks.” The second said, “I’m creating a foundation for a large building.” The third person answered, “I’m building a cathedral.”
They are doing the exact same job, and all three responses were accurate, but they reveal the huge difference attitude makes. It’s the difference between tolerating or enjoying one’s life, between thinking small or large.
Mindset matters.
Just like the stone cutters, most of us have a habitual or characteristic mental attitude that determines how we experience and interpret situations. It’s pretty clear that the fellow who saw himself playing an important role in building a grand cathedral is much more likely to feel good about his work and his life than the guy who defines his job as making bricks.
A bookkeeper for a school may think of herself as someone who just works with numbers or as part of an enterprise that educates children. A math teacher can characterize himself as someone who teaches long division, someone who seeks to make all math interesting and understandable, someone who teaches students how to learn difficult concepts, or, larger yet, someone who helps young people develop attitudes and skills that will help them lead worthy and successful lives.
What do you do?
Don’t minimize yourself by just describing the tasks you perform; think big,
There is no job that can’t be meaningful and gratifying, if not because of how it fits into a larger picture of producing human happiness, then at least in terms of the gratification you can feel simply from a job well done.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Noah needed an A on his term paper. A friend said that lots of kids recycled papers they didn’t write, and he offered to give him a paper his older brother had gotten an A on three years before.
When Noah asked his father for advice, his dad told him he hoped he wouldn’t cheat, but he didn’t want to be judgmental. “It’s your life, Son,” he said. “I can’t tell you what you should do. It’s a personal decision.”
That’s shabby parenting. Noah’s dad declined to provide moral guidance and lost a golden opportunity to strengthen Noah’s values and his own credibility as a reference point. Kids need parents to bolster their moral willpower and to help them resist temptations. His reluctance to intervene and influence was an abdication of responsibility.
What’s more, his noncommittal response wasn’t an expression of neutrality but a statement that conveyed the moral judgment that honesty and integrity are optional.
Yes, this was a personal decision. Noah could choose to be honest or dishonest, ethical or unethical – it was his call. But the real question was one of propriety. He didn’t ask his dad, “What can I do?” but “What should I do?” This was a question about ethics, and it shouldn’t have been dodged or evaded.
If we want our children to build good values and strong character based on virtue, we have to teach and advocate those principles. Sometimes that means saying, “That’s wrong.”
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Sam, a supervisor, was dumbfounded as he watched Bill diligently dig holes while Chuck, after waiting a short interval, filled them. When he demanded an explanation, Bill was indignant: "Chuck and I have been doing this job for more than 10 years. What’s your problem?"
"Are you telling me that for 10 years you’ve been digging and filling empty holes?" Sam replied.
"Well, not exactly," Bill said. "Until a few months ago, another fellow put a bush in the hole before Chuck filled it. But he retired and was never replaced."
"Why didn’t you tell somebody?" Sam sputtered.
"My gosh," Bill answered, "You're management. We figured you knew."
While management is ultimately to blame when employees systematically waste time and money in thoughtless, unproductive activity, we can’t let Bill and Chuck off the hook. Sure, it's easy to hide behind the assumption that the stupidity of management has no bounds, but responsibility is a personal burden everyone carries for himself or herself.
Too many organizations are weighed down by practices equivalent to digging and filling holes because too many workers and managers engage in or ignore inefficient and ineffective activities.
Whether unaccountability is fed by laziness, ignorance, or fear, employees who surrender to the negative momentum of the workplace not only demean the value of their work, but they increase the likelihood that they will someday be out of work.
We can avoid our responsibilities, but we can't avoid the consequences of avoiding our responsibilities. All of us are accountable for what we allow as well as what we do. If we want to make our lives more meaningful, we should be sure our work is meaningful.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Who would have thought the victory of the Dallas Mavericks over the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals would call into play a bunch of ten-dollar words like aficionado, redemption, hubris, and schadenfreude?
Sports fans are aficionados, people with great knowledge and enthusiasm for an activity. But the fact that the term fan is derived from the word fanatic tells us a lot. To the fan, sports is not just the toy department of life, it is life with the volume turned high.
Sports fans derive an extraordinary amount of pleasure from both the glory of victory and the agony of defeat, from performances of people they probably don’t know and will never meet. Unlike other types of aficionados – connoisseurs of art or gourmets of cooking – sports fans not only enjoy excellent achievements, they also derive another breed of pleasure, criticizing and harshly judging athletes, especially their own champions*, when they fail.
The Mavericks team, their owner Mark Cuban, and their highest profile athlete Dirk Nowitski, now basking in adulation, suffered years of being mocked and ridiculed for never winning the Big One – the meanest and most fervent condemnations coming from their own fans. Well, in the excessive rhetoric of sports, they have achieved redemption, escaping the shackles of unfulfilled potential and creating a new legacy as winners. They will be celebrated in Dallas as conquering heroes.
It’s another story for the Miami Heat and their trilogy of stars – especially LeBron James. There will be no victory parade for them.
Millions of fans, probably far more than those who rejoiced at the Dallas victory, experienced schadenfreude, pleasure derived from the misfortune of others, as they reveled in the disappointment and defeat of a team and man who flaunted claims to greatness.
The schadenfreude relating to the failure of LeBron James to win the championship approached ecstasy for many alienated by hubris of legendary proportions. For those who think he humiliated the city of Cleveland by making a public spectacle of his decision to “take his talents to South Beach,” or those who were simply offended by the arrogance of his “King James” nickname and his decision to tattoo “The Chosen One” on his back and “gifted child” on his chest, this was nothing less than justice.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
* It’s significant that the term champion has alternative meanings. It not only refers to the victor, the person or team that defeats all others, it refers to a person who does battle for another's rights or honor. Sports fans believe that their teams and favorite players play for the honor of their cities. And in this cruel world of winners and losers, failing to achieve the honor of victory results in dishonor for the champions and their cities.
I’ve given my share of commencement addresses, and I confess it’s a head-swelling experience to tell a captive crowd how you think they ought to live their lives while wearing an academic robe and a very silly hat. After all, didn’t they come primarily to hear what you have to say? Actually, they didn’t. In fact, graduation speakers are impediments to the real goal of the day – celebration, not reflection.
So what we need is a good one-minute graduation speech. Here’s my effort:
“Okay, folks, you got your degrees. Now you have to move toward other goals. If you don’t have any, borrow the goals of the person next to you. They’re probably as good as any, and besides, true success isn’t always getting what you think you want but learning to want what you get. Perhaps the most important thing you can do is prepare yourself to deal with unavoidable ups and downs and unexpected turns that are almost certain to scuttle the best-laid plans.
“Take control of your life by taking control of your attitudes. Remember, pain and disappointment are inevitable, but tough times are temporary. Persist with confidence that no negative emotion can withstand your will to be happy.
“Listen to both your heart and your head. Pursue your passions, but don’t confuse feelings with facts, fun with happiness, or pleasure with fulfillment. Live within your means. Don’t sacrifice a thousand tomorrows for a few todays.
“Be especially careful of choices that can jeopardize your health, reputation, or important relationships. Safeguard your integrity. You never know when you’ll need it.
“Finally, don’t settle for a little life. Fill it with purpose and meaning and people worthy of your love and respect.”
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
It’s seemingly impossible to avoid joining the chorus of accusers and lamenters expressing outrage at the parade of powerful men – presently led by Congressman Anthony Weiner – who destroyed their careers and credibility by engaging in sexual conduct they hoped to keep secret and then compounding the problem by lying to cover it up.
Serial sexter Mr. Weiner added still another dimension to his bad judgment by refusing to resign – something he probably will do eventually and should do now to save himself and all those entwined with him ongoing and escalating humiliation.
Surely he knew his confession would unleash an army of voracious journalists and bloggers dedicated to uncovering and publishing every lewd picture, note, or letter they could find.
What can we learn from this?
First, “When you’re in a hole, stop digging.” Everything the Congressman has done in the past few days has made things worse. The only way to stop or at least slow down the barrage is to withdraw from public life.
Second, “Never get into a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.” In the Internet Age, this is a metaphor for “don’t taunt the media.” In effect, Mr. Weiner dared every journalist and blogger to hunt down and reveal every tawdry detail of his X-rated journey to his private jungle of obsessive foolishness.
The final lesson: “When you mess up fess up,” and where tenacity simply invites more degrading attacks, it’s okay to give up.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Years ago, a listener told me her mom died, leaving only a general will and a house full of personal items with sentimental and, in some cases, significant financial value. My listener said tensions were building among her two sisters and her as they approached the problem of allocating their mom’s stuff.
Each sister had different and conflicting expectations. The eldest believed her mom wanted her to have first choice of items. The middle sister was the major caregiver, and their mom had said, "I want you to have anything you want." The youngest daughter said mom promised certain important items to her to give to the grandchildren.
None of the sisters was greedy, and no one wanted to fight over mom’s things, but emotions were strong. Each was willing to surrender her claim, but could they do so without hard feelings? Unfortunately, this sort of situation is not uncommon.
First, the daughters should talk openly and agree that their relationships with each other are worth more than belongings.
Second, they should promise not to say or do anything that their mom would disapprove of or that would sully their memory of her.
Third, each sister must choose to let go of her expectations and claims as if all items were destroyed in a fire.
Finally, they should find creative ways to divide the property without winners or losers. They might draw lots to establish a sequence of choices. Or certain important items could rotate annually among them. If some things are too encumbered with emotional claims, they should be sold or given to someone else.
What’s vital is that everyone remember that things are just things. It’s love and memories that have real and lasting value.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
"Follow me around. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead.” This bold challenge by presidential candidate Gary Hart in 1987, bulwarking his denial that he was having an extramarital affair, started a new era in media ethics. Henceforth, sexual conduct and cover-up lies by politicians became fair game for the mainstream media because it was a matter of “character.” Hart’s lie ended in a career-destroying explosion when photos appeared from Bimini showing model Donna Rice sitting on his lap on a yacht ironically named Monkey Business.
Two decades later, President Bill Clinton looked directly at the camera and said: “I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. These allegations are false.“ This audacious lie was followed by scores of others lies and evasions, including his under-oath testimony before a grand jury that he did not think oral sex constituted sexual relations and the now famous, “It depends on what the meaning of the words ‘is’ is.” Eventually, straining logic and language to avoid acknowledging that he “lied" and to avoid a perjury conviction, Mr. Clinton was forced to tell his wife, his sincere and vehement defenders, and everyone else that he “misled” them.*
A few years ago Governor Mark Sanford tried to cover up his trip to Argentina to see his mistress by telling staff to tell reporters he was “hiking on the Appalachian Trail.”
It’s a familiar pattern: bad choices followed by lies wrapped in self-righteous indignation.
We saw it when Senator John Ensign denied an affair, when Senator David Vitter denied his relationship with a prostitute, and recently when former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards and former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had to acknowledge fathering children outside their marriages and telling lies to cover up their infidelities.
It’s ironic that as the country is almost smothered with the lies told by murder defendant Casey Anthony, another Anthony, Anthony Weiner, just confessed he lied about the comparatively frivolous act of “sexting” women he never met. But, during his confession, he pulled "a Clinton" by trying to mislead reporters about the extent of his contact with at least six women he admits he sent sexually oriented texts and pictures. He stressed he never met or had physical sexual relations with the women but refused to answer whether he had engaged in phone and/or internet sex with them. Yuck! Too much information!
Lying to conceal embarrassing, reputation-damaging, or illegal behavior is, of course, not limited to politicians. Dozens of athletes lied about taking steroids and other performance enhancing drugs, and scores of business executives lied to acquire or preserve wealth.
Winston Churchill once said that sometimes the truth is so precious that it must be protected by “a bodyguard of lies.” He was talking about wartime military secrets, but the truth of his observation applies to protecting any lie, however tawdry, to conceal conduct the liar prefers to keep secret.
The simple truth: Don’t do anything you will have to lie about because if the act doesn’t get you, the lying will.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that CHARACTER COUNTS!
* This is a more extensive version of the radio commentary.
** On his last full day in office, to end any possibility of criminal prosecution, Mr. Clinton issued this written statement: "I tried to walk a fine line between acting lawfully and testifying falsely, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal and am certain my responses to questions about Ms. Lewinsky were false." I suppose that’s as close as he was willing to get to confessing that he lied.
During a seminar for teachers, I asked participants to share experiences that shaped their values. A Southern lady shared this story:
More than 50 years ago, when I was five, I was at my granddaddy's house in a dress and white gloves. He told me I could go into the kitchen and get a cookie. Next to the cookie jar was a stack of quarters. I knew I shouldn't have, but I took one.
I must have looked guilty when I returned because my granddaddy looked at me funny and asked me to show him my white gloves. I had the quarter in my right hand so I held out my left.
"Show me the other hand," he said. When he saw the quarter, he looked at me sadly.
He hugged me and said, "Darlin', you can have anything in the world I have, but it breaks my heart that you'd ever steal it."
I'll never forget the shame, and I never stole anything again.
Her grandfather understood this was a teachable moment and didn't shy away from his duty to provide unambiguous moral guidance. And he did so in a manner that made the experience a permanent marker in his granddaughter's life.
Without harsh words or punishment, he established high standards and expectations and taught her that, because of his love for her, he was a stakeholder in her choices and that he was hurt when she let him down.
An informed healthy conscience is a built-in punishment/reward system that makes us proud when we do things right and ashamed at our moral missteps. But such a conscience doesn't develop by accident.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Millions of teenagers across the land are about to leave the womb of high school for a world full of new freedoms and responsibilities. Although many have been waiting for this event for a long time, eager to get on with their lives as liberated adults, the thought of leaving behind friends and familiar places can be scary.
The transition isn’t made any easier by well-meaning adults who deliver what I call the Commencement Curse: “These are the best days of your life.” It’s a curse because, if it’s true, we’re telling kids it’s all downhill from here!
Fortunately, it’s not true. Yes, teenage years include wonderful memories of special friendships and all kinds of firsts. But not all memories are good, and however good they were, they’re not likely to be the best – not even close! In fact, the best is yet to come.
You will keep old friends as long as you have things in common, but you’re sure to make new ones as well. Yes, you’ll face additional challenges and responsibilities, but you’ll gain far greater control over your life to do what you want to do and be who you want to be.
Most of all, if you look in the right places, you’ll discover mature, meaningful love and trusting relationships that provide unbounded fulfillment. And if you wait until you can truly appreciate the comfort of marriage and unequaled joys raising a family, there will be endless moments of profound pride and satisfaction that make your school years seem like kid stuff.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
One of the pleasures I get from doing these commentaries is to hear that something I said had real value to a listener. It’s particularly flattering when someone wants a written copy of a particular program so the person can share it with someone he or she knows.
I feel honored by such requests and don’t want to bite the hand that pats my back, but it’s troubling how often listeners tell me they want to use my remarks not as a personal guide but as a bludgeon to beat some family member or work associate over the head. I imagine the presentation going something like “Here – if you want to know what’s wrong with you, read this!"
First of all, I can’t imagine someone, after being presented with an essay as a form of assault, would thank his or her assailant and pledge to change. Even the best advice is rarely well-received if it’s critical. It may take a wise person to give good advice, but it takes a really honest and courageous one to take it with grace.
Respectfully, I suggest my commentaries work better as a mirror than a club. So the next time you hear me talking about integrity, cynicism, lying, rationalizing, or similar topics, please remember that you don’t have to be sick to get better. Think about how the comment may apply to your life, not someone else’s.
I’m happy to supply copies of any commentary to anyone, but it feels a lot better knowing it’s for you, something to keep in your wallet or desk or on the refrigerator to remind you of how much better you can be.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
I’m going to mention a few names and I want you to think of the first thing that comes to your mind with each: Tiger Woods, Lindsay Lohan, John Edwards, Kenneth Lay, Britney Spears, Andrew Bynum, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jim Tressel.
Each person behind the name won fame in sports, business, politics, or music because of some extraordinary talents and achievements, yet it’s likely the first thing that came to mind is the last worst thing they did, something that not merely blemishes their names but seems to signify who they are.
An old proverb tells us, “A good name shines forever.” And the Bible says, “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” There was a time when men would kill each other in duels attempting to protect their honor. And our Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence with this statement: “We mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.”
Though there is much less talk about honor and preserving one’s good name today, reputations are more vulnerable than ever, and revelations of dishonorable conduct are always damaging and often devastating to careers and personal lives.
Because it’s so much more difficult to protect one’s name today, there is almost no place to hide acts reflecting bad judgment or bad character. Though we may judge ourselves by our best traits and most noble acts, we will be judged by our last worst act.
Be careful!
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
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