Mark Gibson, a former gymnastics coach who worked with many elite athletes, tells a wonderful story about a 15-year-old girl whose work ethic and attitude brought out the best in everyone. Cindy wasn't a great gymnast, but when she was in the gym everyone complained less, worked harder, and, not surprisingly, achieved more.

Cindy was such a powerful motivator because she was blind. When it was her turn to do the vault, her mom would run alongside her telling her how close she was to the vault. When her mom said, "Vault!" Cindy would reach out and jump, trusting her mother and herself.

Cindy loved the sport and kept improving because she and her mom refused to be defeated by her disability.

Mark called her the most important member of the team, not because of her athletic ability, but because of her heart and because she demonstrated a standard of fortitude and courage that inspired others to get more out of themselves. Everyone who watched her strive to be the best she could be realized how much more they could be.

This is leadership – leadership by example – and we see this sort of leadership not only in sports but in families and in the workplace. Often the most important members of the team are not the smartest, most skilled, or most powerful. Their power is in their attitude and their ability to energize and encourage others with their optimism, enthusiasm, and determination.

People who know how to get the best out of themselves get the best out of others.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comment (6)

I received an e-mail with a story worth sharing. Only the names have been changed to preserve privacy.

Doug is the proud and loving father of Emma, a high school junior who takes a leadership class responsible for putting on dances and other student events. All student body officers must take the class, but a number of other kids like Emma who just like to participate are also enrolled. Well, Emma is a little different and she’s becoming more aware of those differences. Recently, she began to tell her father through tears, "I don't like having Down's Syndrome."

Doug comforted and encouraged his daughter the best he could, but he admits he always wonders how her classmates really perceive her. Do they just tolerate or patronize her, or do they see the richness of her character and appreciate her sense of humor and the beauty of her heart?

These concerns came into play when he visited Emma at a school event where she was working at a table with the student body president, a handsome kid named Chris. Later, Emma announced that Chris had invited her to the homecoming dance. Doug was doubtful and afraid that she might be embarrassed or hurt if she misunderstood. So he checked with the leadership teacher, who discreetly confirmed it was true. This extraordinary young man asked Emma to accompany him to dinner and the dance.

Doug was moved to tears and confessed he was ashamed he doubted this could happen. He wrote of his joy seeing his daughter prepare for one of the greatest days in her life. And he marveled at the kindness and self-confidence of the young man who was able to see and care about the inner Emma.

Doug was rightfully proud of Emma, but how good would you feel to be Chris's parents?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comment (2)

While I was on a radio call-in show talking about cheating, a listener I'll call Stan mocked my concern. He cheated to get into college, he said. He cheated in college to get a job. And now he occasionally cheats on his job to get ahead. In fact, he concluded, cheating is such an important life skill that parents ought to teach their kids how to cheat.

Evidence is mounting that lots of people share Stan's amoral pragmatism. Because they define success and happiness in terms of getting what they want when they want it, ethics seems irrational. After all, in a world where cheaters so often prosper, why should anyone give up the benefits of dishonesty?

Well, for one thing, the Stans of the world have no idea the price they're paying for the little they're getting. A life without principles is demeaning and self-defeating. The Stans of the world are cheated as often as they cheat others. What's more, they cheat themselves. As they scrape and struggle to fill their lives, they give up their chance to lead fulfilling lives.

The happiest people I know are those who find purpose and meaning pursuing a grander vision of a good life measured in terms of worthiness, not net worth. Virtue is not a tactic; it's a life philosophy.

We paint the self-portrait that we call our character by our values and actions. We can choose to paint that portrait in the pale watercolors of shallow successes and short-lived pleasures or in the deep, rich oils of honor, spirituality, peace of mind, and self-respect.

The enduring impact of our choices is not what we get, but what we become.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Marta was a hard-working single mother. When her minister sermonized about "living a life that matters," she worried that working to raise her kids and going to church wasn't enough. So, on the bus to work she made a list of other jobs she could do and volunteer work she could try.

Sylvia, an elderly woman, saw the worry on Marta's face and asked what was wrong. Marta explained her problem. Sylvia said, "Oh my, did your minister say you weren't doing enough?"

"No," Marta said, "But I don't know how to live 'a life that matters.'"

"You don't have to change jobs or do more volunteer work," Sylvia consoled her. "It's enough that you're a good mother. But if you want to do more, think about what you can do while doing what you already do. It's not about what you do, but how you do it."

"You don't understand," Marta said. "I sell hamburgers. How do I make that significant?"

"How many people do you deal with every day?" Sylvia asked.

"Two to three hundred."

"Well, what if you set out to cheer, encourage, teach, or inspire as many of those people as you could? A compliment, a bit of advice, a cheerful hello or a warm smile can start a chain reaction that lights up lives like an endless string of Christmas bulbs."

"But that's just being nice," Marta protested.

"Right," said Sylvia, "Niceness can change lives."

Marta looked at the old woman. "What do you do?"

"I was a housekeeper until I retired," Sylvia said. "Now I just ride the bus talking to people."

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:22 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Two dear friends were inflicted with the soul-searing, heart-rending pain of death. One lost her lifelong companion and soul mate, a gentle man who lived a good life of 70 years. The other had to say goodbye to her innocent newborn son, the victim of a neurological anomaly.

I've tried to process these personal tragedies in the context of notorious homicides including the killing of Ed Thomas, a beloved teacher-coach in Iowa who was shot by a mentally ill former player and the conscienceless murder of Byrd and Melanie Billings, a Florida couple revered for caring for and loving 19 children including a dozen with special needs.

How can we explain the deaths of the good and the innocent?

In his book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold Kushner, whose young son died of a rare disease, shares his struggle to understand undeserved suffering and to keep his faith. He found no comfortable answers, thoughtfully discussing and ultimately rejecting classic answers given by religionists: God has a hidden purpose that we cannot and need not understand, suffering is a test or a lesson, or death leads our loved ones to a better place.

Rabbi Kushner writes that he finally found peace of mind when he gave up the idea that everything happens for a reason or that God causes or purposefully allows everything to happen. It's futile and foolish to expect the consequences of natural forces and human nature to conform to our notions of fairness. "God doesn’t send us the problem," he says. "He gives us the strength to cope with the problem."

If we want to move beyond our grief and find continuing meaning in our lives, we shouldn’t ask, "Why did this happen?" but "What am I going to do with the life I have now?"

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

* If this topic interests you, I hope you’ll read the book. I found it full of profound insights and thought-provoking assertions:

Regarding why some believe God is the cause of our suffering and that He wants us to suffer: "There may be another approach. Maybe God does not cause our suffering. Maybe it happens for some reason other than the will of God."

Regarding why nature is morally blind, without values, following its own laws and not caring who or what gets in the way: "God is not morally blind. I could not worship Him if I thought He was. God stands for justice, for fairness, for compassion. For me, the earthquake is not an act of God. The act of God is the courage of people to rebuild their lives after the earthquake and the rush of others to help them in whatever way they can."

Regarding why good people or innocent children aren’t spared: "Laws of nature do not make exceptions for nice people. A bullet has no conscience; neither does a malignant tumor or an automobile gone out of control. That is why good people get sick and get hurt as much as anyone."

Regarding why emotional and physical pains exist: "Pain is the price we pay for being alive. When we understand that, our question will change from, 'Why do we have to be in pain?' to 'What do we do with our pain so it becomes meaningful and not just pointless empty suffering?' We may not ever understand why we suffer or be able to control the forces that cause our suffering, but we can have a lot to say about what the suffering does to us and what we become because of it. Pain makes some people bitter and envious. It makes others sensitive and compassionate. It is the result, not the cause, of pain that makes some experiences meaningful and others empty and destructive."

Regarding why bad things happen to good people: "Being human leaves us free to hurt each other, and God can't stop us without taking away the freedom that makes us human. God can only look down in pity and compassion at how little we have learned."

Regarding why God can’t or won’t at least stop man’s most barbaric acts: "Where was God in Auschwitz? It was not God who caused it. The Holocaust was at least as much of an offense to God's moral order as it is to mine, or how can I respect God as a source of moral guidance? I have to believe the tears and prayers of the victims aroused God's compassion, but having given man freedom to choose, including the freedom to choose to hurt his neighbor, there was nothing God could do to prevent it."

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comment (15)

When I first heard the name Valorie Kondos Field, I thought it referred to a sports venue rather than a person. Since then, I've come to have a great appreciation for the name of UCLA's women’s gymnastics coach and the extraordinary woman who owns it.

For one thing, she has impeccable credentials. Her name was among the first mentioned when I asked Coach John Wooden for a list of coaches who best exemplified the teacher-coach concept he introduced to the CHARACTER COUNTS! Pursuing Victory With Honor sports initiative.

He told me he was an avid fan of women's gymnastics who attends every meet he can. He loves the way Coach Val teaches her "girls" not merely to be great gymnasts – her teams have won three NCAA national championships – but to be good people.

So I got to know Val a bit and found out why Coach Wooden thinks so much of her. As a model teacher-coach, she takes seriously the notion that her team is comprised of student-athletes. Her team's cumulative grade point average is 3.4.

And, in a sport that highlights personal performances, Coach Val insists that her athletes work and think as a team. But what touched my heart most was watching her athletes enthusiastically cheering for each other during a meet.

Coach Wooden's endorsement is hard to beat, but the clincher for me was when my wife Anne, who runs her own gymnastics school and treats her gymnasts like they were her own kids, told me that no parent could hope for more than having a child coached, mentored, and loved by Valorie Kondos Field.

Coached, mentored, and loved – that's quite a combination.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

The founder of a company needed to choose his successor. He studied resumes and talked to references, but he decided to ask only one question during the final interview: "How much is 2 + 2?"

Ann, the first candidate, worried that there was a trick but she answered straightforwardly. "There's only one correct answer: it's four."

Terry, who had an engineering background, was more creative. "Depending on whether you're dealing with positive or negative numbers," he said, "the answer could be plus four, zero, or minus four."

Chuck, the last candidate, looked the questioner in the eye and whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

While Ann and Terry took different approaches, they were both looking for an honest answer. Chuck, on the other hand, wanted the questioner to know that he was willing to say or do whatever it takes to succeed. Some employers may find this combination of creativity and moral flexibility highly attractive. I'd show him the door.

You see, Chuck is a manipulator and rationalizer, and they don't make good employees. They search for excuses rather than solutions, and they are more concerned with looking good than doing it right.

People like Chuck, who are adept at inventing justifications that sound good but aren't true, are simply clever liars and, eventually, they will be found out. Remember, an employee that will lie for you will lie to you.

Without conscience there is no credibility, without credibility there is no trust, and without trust there is no future.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:41 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

It's both a strength and weakness of human nature that we're never satisfied for long. Whatever we have, wherever we are, most of us want more and better. When focused on money or power, our insatiability can turn into happiness-crushing greed, avarice, and obsessive ambition.

But in many other areas of our life, our desire for more and better can be a very good thing. For example, in business we should continually strive for improvement and innovation. Similarly, when we assess the quality of our educational or healthcare systems, government integrity or efficiency, or the general state of social justice, we should never be satisfied.

Even in our personal lives, we should strive for better relationships by improving communications and organizing our lives better. And there's nothing wrong with wanting a better job, one that's more intellectually challenging, emotionally rewarding, financially remunerative, and socially significant.

To live and enjoy a good life, we need to find a healthy balance between wanting more and appreciating enough. You see, it's possible to realize that what we have is worthy of gratitude and appreciation, even as we strive for more.

Not being satisfied doesn't have to be the same as being dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction is a negative state of mind. It's a form of unhappiness. Thus it's important to find a comfortable place between satisfaction and dissatisfaction. That place can be the state of contentment marked by true appreciation of what one has and the ability to enjoy it.

In the progression of good, better, and best, better and best are superior to good. But good is still good. Enough can be good.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:46 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

A listener wrote to say she was selecting some of her favorite commentaries to put into a notebook for her 12-year-old son. She said she was going to underline portions she thought were particularly pertinent.

I love it whenever someone wants to share my thoughts, especially with children, but I've come to realize how difficult it can be to successfully pass on what we think is great wisdom, especially to our own children.

I hope you'll write with your ideas, but drawing from lots of unsuccessful efforts with my own children, I have some thoughts:

1. While it's a parent's job to positively influence attitudes and behaviors of their children, any form of preaching with a "you should" message or tone is generally ineffective. It invites an attack-the-messenger tactic: "You don’t live your life perfectly, so what makes you qualified to tell me how to live mine?"

2. Most young people get very defensive very quickly when they think advice is simply disguised criticism. And when they get defensive, they don’t process advice in a constructive manner.

3. Though it's easier said than done, the most effective and rewarding method is to convey or elicit information and insight in the setting of a discussion. Ask an open-ended question as to what the child thinks, knows, or has observed about issues raised in a news event, movie, or a comment. Be sure the question is not just another masked way of conveying a criticism.

4. Don't try to convey the encyclopedia of wisdom in one sitting. Break up your "lesson plans" into small pieces and be very selective as to the time and place you begin the discussion.

5. If you want real progress, tell the child about your own shortcomings and challenges both past and present. Moral humility invites reflection.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:14 AM | Permalink | Comment (2)

When we hear the phrase "character education," we usually think of the responsibility and opportunity of parents and primary school teachers to teach young children the difference between right and wrong and inspire them to choose what is right.

But what about older children, young adults, and even mature professionals? Is there a time when a person's character has been formed, when the clay, so malleable in early youth, hardens like stone and character education becomes futile? Lots of people think so, not only about other people but about themselves.

While working to integrate ethical decision-making strategies into police and military academies, I've seen conclusive evidence that this notion of a fully developed or fixed character is not only wrong, it's wasteful. Character development is a lifelong process, and all humans have the capacity to be better today than they were yesterday.

Police and military academies explicitly recognize that good moral character is as vital as competence. And while they try to select only young people of sterling character, they don't leave it at that. In fact, a large portion of their training is designed to instill or enhance moral qualities associated with good character – and it works!

And it's not that hard. Guided discussions, simulations, and supervised field experiences all can be used to generate attitudes and habits that make new officers more committed to honesty; better able to control negative impulses; more willing to treat people – even ones they don’t like – with respect; more diligent, thorough, and accurate; and more likely to summon the moral courage to do the right thing even when it may be personally costly. This is simply high-level character education.

So what about you? Are you as good as you will ever be?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

Recently Michael wrote an essay for the inaugural issue of the Journal of Insurance Fraud in America, published this summer by the Coalition Against Insurance Fraud. In "No Baloney: Stronger Ethics an Anti-Fraud Antidote," Michael argues that insurance fraud is more than just an economic problem for insurers. It's a reflection of a shifting moral compass, and things look like they may get worse.

Click here to read the article.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

When my daughter was confronted with the fact that she had really hurt another child with a mean comment, she cried and immediately wanted to apologize. That was a good thing, but I wanted her to know an apology can’t always make things better. So I told her the parable of Will, a nine-year-old whose father abandoned his mom two years earlier.

Will was angry, and he often would lash out at others with hurtful words. He once told his mom, "I see why Dad left you!"

Unable to cope with his outbursts of cruelty, she sent Will to spend the summer with his grandparents. His grandfather's strategy to help Will learn self-control was to make him go into the garage and pound a two-inch-long nail into a four-by-four board every time he said a mean and nasty thing. For a small boy, this was a major task, but he couldn't return until the nail was all the way in. After about ten trips to the garage, Will began to be more cautious about his words. Eventually, he even apologized for all the bad things he'd said.

That's when his grandmother came in. She made him bring in the board filled with nails and told him to pull them all out. This was even harder than pounding them in, but after a huge struggle, he did it.

His grandmother hugged him and said, "I appreciate your apology and, of course, I forgive you because I love you, but I want you to know an apology is like pulling out one of those nails. Look at the board. The holes are still there. The board will never be the same. I know your dad put a hole in you, but please don’t put holes in other people; you are better than that."

*A fourth-grade teacher recently told me how she tells this story to her class in the beginning of the semester and uses it throughout the year. When she comes upon a child saying or doing a mean or unkind thing, she will say, "Did you put a nail in someone?" Then she'll ask, "Did you take it out?"

She says her students always know what she's talking about and recognize what they did was wrong, which isn't always the case if she simply asks the child what happened (that usually results in a string of blaming everyone else).

She urges her students not to use the automatic "That's all right" after an apology because usually what was done was not all right and the person saying it, rightfully, doesn't feel it was all right. She tells her class to say "I accept your apology" or "I forgive you" instead.

The teacher also uses the story to help her kids understand difficult family matters outside of the classroom. She tells them some people will never take out the nails they've pounded into the children, but everyone has the power to pull them out themselves and get on with their life rather than let others rule them.

She told me, "The story is simple, but the message is powerful – especially when reinforced with: "You're better than that!"

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:19 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

When you visit a medical specialist, an emergency room, or a patient in the hospital, are you ever struck by a sense that many doctors are so focused on the scientific aspects of diagnosis and treatment of illness or injury that they ignore, maybe even become annoyed by, things like pain, fear, or anxiety?

In her book Medicine as Ministry, Dr. Margaret Mohrmann, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Virginia, proposes a dramatically different perspective. If accepted, it could drastically change the nature of medical training and treatment.

She contends that doctors tend to view their roles and responsibilities too narrowly. The ultimate object of medicine, she says, is not just to diagnose and cure disease, but to alleviate suffering. In other words, doctors should see themselves as healers, not merely scientists.

"The practice of the ministry of medicine," she adds, "is the practice of paying attention." Being attentive means sensing, treating seriously, and responding appropriately to the myriad feelings that inevitably accompany illness and injury.

In her view, the most needed remedy for the kinds of suffering doctors face daily is not more or better painkilling drugs, but more genuine caring. She says doctors should listen more even if it makes them weep. She believes true compassion and empathy are healing agents for pain and anxiety. Genuine gestures of concern – from a comforting squeeze of the hand to a follow-up phone call or visit – can be as important as prescriptions and surgical procedures.

I think she's right. It takes a kind of moral courage for a doctor to keep an open heart. But what a huge difference it would make.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:12 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

In the wake of a continual parade of scandals, there has been a lot of talk concerning codes of ethics. I've written dozens of codes and have a healthy respect for their value as an element of a corporate culture, but I wince at the unreasonable expectations attached to these documents.

First of all, ethics codes don't make people ethical. They don't make bad people good. Nor do they make people with bad judgment wise. Most of the very bad behavior we've seen in recent years would not have been prevented by an ethics code.

You see, there are two aspects to ethics: discernment – knowing right from wrong – and discipline – having the moral will power to do what's right. A code can help define what's right and acceptable and provide a basis for imposing sanctions on those who don't follow it. But unless it reinforces an established ethical culture, it won't do much to assure that people do what's right.

It's proper and prudent to clarify obligations under existing laws and establish standards of conduct in areas not governed by law. In effect, ethics codes transform one perspective of a moral obligation into a binding rule. For example, it's helpful to set clear parameters for the use of e-mails, private information, or company property; hiring or doing business with relatives; and the acceptance of gratuities. In more complex cases, codes can mandate disclosure or certification and forbid or restrict transactions such as loans and reimbursements that could create real or apparent conflicts of interest.

To the extent we need more clarity, we need more codes. To the extent we need more character, we need a lot more.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comment (5)

Sam, a supervisor, was dumbfounded as he watched Bill diligently dig holes while Chuck, after waiting a short interval, filled them. When he demanded an explanation, Bill was indignant: "Chuck and I have been doing this job for more than 10 years. What’s your problem?"

"Are you telling me that for 10 years you’ve been digging and filling empty holes?" Sam replied.

"Well, not exactly," Bill said. "Until a few months ago, another fellow put a bush in the hole before Chuck filled it. But he retired and was never replaced."

"Why didn’t you tell somebody?" Sam sputtered.

"My gosh," Bill answered, "You're management. We figured you knew."

While management is ultimately to blame when employees systematically waste time and money in thoughtless unproductive activity, we can’t let Bill and Chuck off the hook. Sure, it's easy to hide behind the assumption that the stupidity of management has no bounds, but responsibility is a personal burden everyone carries for himself or herself.

Too many organizations are weighed down by practices equivalent to digging and filling holes because too many workers and managers engage in or ignore inefficient and ineffective activities.

Whether unaccountability is fed by laziness, ignorance, or fear, employees who surrender to the negative momentum of the workplace not only demean the value of their work, but they increase the likelihood that they will someday be out of work.

We can avoid our responsibilities, but we can't avoid the consequences of avoiding our responsibilities. All of us are accountable for what we allow as well as what we do. If we want to make our lives more meaningful, we should be sure our work is meaningful.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

My commentary about my decision to care more and judge less by giving a few dollars to panhandlers generated lots of letters, many disagreeing with me. I’d like to tell another story likely to agitate some of you.

It’s about a man named Jack who was rushing home to tell his family about a $1,000 bonus check he’d unexpectedly received.

Before he got to his car, a desperate-looking woman holding a baby that looked quite sick asked him for a few dollars. She said her child was dying of leukemia. Jack reached into his pocket for some loose bills and accidentally pulled out his bonus check.

He looked at the check and then at the baby. Acting spontaneously, he endorsed it to her on the spot. "Use this to do what you can for your baby."

When he told his family what he'd done, his wife was stone silent and his teenage son ridiculed him.

Deflated, Jack said, “We don’t need the money, and it felt like the right thing to do.”

A week later, his son triumphantly waved a newspaper article in Jack’s face. It told of a woman with a baby who was arrested for scamming people. “This is the lady you gave the money to, isn’t it?" the boy asked.

“Yes,” Jack replied, suddenly beaming with joy.

“What are you smiling about?” his son demanded. “She made a fool out of you.”

"Yes, but there’s something much more important,” Jack said, “I’m so relieved the baby's not dying.”

His son, red-faced with anger declared, “You’re an even bigger fool than I thought.”

After a long, thoughtful pause, Jack’s wife embraced her husband lovingly. “I’m so proud to be married to a man with such a generous heart.”

Who’s right, the son or the wife?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comment (11)

A young boy was walking with his father along a country road. When they came across a very large tree branch, the boy asked, "Do you think I could move that branch?"

His father answered, "If you use all your strength, I'm sure you can."

The boy tried mightily to lift, pull, and push the branch, but he couldn't move it. Discouraged, he said, "Dad, you were wrong. I can't do it."

His dad said, "Try again." This time, as the boy struggled with the branch, his father joined him and together they pushed the branch aside.

"Son," the father said, "the first time you didn't use all your strength. You didn't ask me to help."

This is an important lesson. There are many things we can't do alone, but that doesn't mean we can't get them done. We all are surrounded by resources that can be mobilized to help us achieve our goals, including family, friends, and faith. Sometimes we fail to ask for help because of pride or stubbornness. Sometimes we think it's a sign of weakness to admit we need a hand. And sometimes we don't even think about asking for help. Whatever the reason, it's a waste.

It's important that we learn to use all our strength; this includes inner resources such as discipline, courage, and even love. But it also includes outer resources. Just as we should be willing to help others, we should be willing to ask the help of others. It's one of the great things about being human.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

*The story is derived from a story told by David Wolpe in Teaching Your Children About God (Harper Perennial 1995).

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

Do parents have moral standing to impose standards on their children that they themselves did not follow when they were kids? Is it ever ethical for parents to lie to a child about their youthful experiences?

These are important questions because it’s a parent’s duty to teach, enforce, advocate, and model good behavior for their kids. Sure, it’d be easier if we never did anything we’re uncomfortable being honest about, but judgment and responsibilities grow as we mature. Good parenting would be impossible if we were disqualified from setting and demanding high standards of prudent and ethical behavior no matter how foolish we were as youngsters. Our duty to be a good model concerns the present, not the past.

The tougher question is about being honest about past conduct. As many listeners pointed out, depending on the setting of a confession and the age of the child, discovery of a parent’s moral shortcomings could be highly disturbing, even traumatic, and, yes, some children will use our past mistakes as an excuse for their own.

These are horrible risks, but I believe successful parenting requires a deep and unshakable trust and an open and honest relationship. In relationships of trust, every lie or deception becomes a buried landmine.

Rather than lie, I would set limits on the things I’m willing to talk about. At the same time, from an early age I’ve tried to create realistic expectations by being open about my deficiencies, making it clear I never was, and still am not, all I want to be. I hope my kids have no illusions. They should know I made and learned from lots of mistakes.

I’ve never wanted my children to think I’m better than I am, but I do want them to know I’m struggling to be better than I was.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comment (0)

In a Peanuts cartoon, Lucy asks Charlie Brown, "Why do you think we were put on earth?"

Charlie answers, "To make others happy."

Lucy replies, "I don’t think I’m making anyone happy," and then adds, "but nobody’s making me very happy either. Somebody’s not doing his job!"

People like Lucy are so sure happiness is a matter of getting something that they ask not what they can do for others, but what others can and should do for them. They usually feel shortchanged or cheated. They become so preoccupied with what they don’t have that they can’t enjoy what they do have.

What’s more, they don’t realize one of the best ways to be happy is to experience the joy and sense of self-worth of making others happy.

Dennis Prager, in his book Happiness Is a Serious Problem, argues that it’s human nature to want and feel we need more. The problem is, the quest for more is endless because we can always add more to whatever we have. As a result, the Lucys of the world often live in an "if only" world that keeps them one step away from happiness: "If only I could get this raise, make this sale, pay off my debts, or win this game, I’d be happy."

Abraham Lincoln understood that happiness is essentially a way of looking at one’s life. "A person is generally about as happy as he’s willing to be," he said. Thus, we’re more likely to experience happiness if we realize it’s not just getting what we want. It’s learning to want what we get.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:22 AM | Permalink | Comment (8)

There’s a song titled "Thank God for Dirty Dishes" that makes the point that if you’re lucky to have enough food to make dirty dishes, you should be grateful.

So instead of grousing about your property taxes, be thankful you own property. When you have to wait in line at the bank or are stuck in traffic, just be grateful you have money in the bank and a car to drive.

It makes sense, but that doesn’t make it easy.

I have to admit that appreciation has not been a natural attribute for me. In my more ambitious days when I believed that excess was not enough, gratitude seemed like a form of surrender and a very poor life strategy. After all, if you’re satisfied with the way things are, you’ll never make them better.

What a pity I had to reach my 50s before I began to appreciate appreciation. I finally began to see that it was irresponsible and irreverent not to realize how many things I should feel grateful for. I also came to realize how good it feels to acknowledge how good I have it.

Real gratitude is much more than politeness, like saying thank you when someone passes the salt or conveys good wishes; it’s a deeper psychological state of genuine thankfulness.

Whether we believe whatever good fortune we have is the product of our own labor and talents, random luck, or a gift from God, the fact remains that each of us could spend a full day identifying all the things that merit gratitude.

According to an old proverb, “If you never learn the language of gratitude, you’ll never be on speaking terms with happiness.” I’m still a beginner, but it’s true; the more I appreciate, the happier I am. That’s a lesson I want my children to learn.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:53 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Are there people in your life who regularly cause you to feel bad about yourself?

Most of us care what others think of us, so knowing that someone doesn’t like or approve of the judgments we’ve made or how we look can be hurtful. And when we’re judged by someone whose approval we crave, such as a parent, spouse, teacher, or boss, the criticism can cause intense distress and damage self-esteem.

Harsh or relentless disparagement from people who love us, often clothed as caring advice or helpful prodding, can be particularly toxic.

It’s helpful to realize that it’s one thing to feel bad when someone doesn’t approve of us; it’s quite another to allow their disapproval to shape our self-image.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” She was absolutely right. Negative comments about our lives are opinions, not facts.

How we feel, however, is a fact, and an important one at that. Thus, it’s rational and healthy to nurture relationships that bring out the best in us and to cut off or distance ourselves from those that bring us down.

There are, however, two strategies worth trying before you limit or eliminate contact with critical people whom you care about.

Try to fix the relationship by respectfully confronting the negative influences in your life. Don’t attack them for hurting you, just explain how you feel when they criticize you and see if they care about you enough to modify their conduct.

If that doesn’t work, try to build immunity to their negativity. Think of the hurtful comments of your incorrigible critic as irrational ravings – and ignore them.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comment (12)

While teachers can have a lifelong effect on the way students think, psychologist Haim Ginott has focused on a more immediate aspect of impact: the creation of a positive or negative physical and emotional environment that can determine the quality of a child's life.

"I've come to a frightening conclusion," he said. "I am the decisive element in the classroom. My personal approach creates the climate. My daily mood makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. It is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or dehumanized."

Yet as profound as this observation is for professional educators, it's even more so for parents. A parent's power to create the daily climate and lasting environment in which a child grows is so awesome it must be used consciously and responsibly.

Since our daily moods make the weather, we should try to shield our children from the thunder and lightning of our frustrations and anger. Instead of the dark clouds of cynicism, fear, and depression, we should discipline our own emotions and give them the light and warmth of love, hope, and good cheer. Conscious efforts to be positive, enthusiastic, and supportive can have a huge impact not only on the emotional well-being of our children, but on their ability to experience the joys and pains of childhood in healthy and constructive ways.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comment (4)

In 1968, when Kent M. Keith was a 19-year-old sophomore at Harvard, he wrote the Paradoxical Commandments as part of a booklet for student leaders. He describes the Commandments as guidelines for finding personal meaning in the face of adversity:

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.

7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.*

The essence of these Commandments is that each of us must choose to do what we think we should do, even when we think we have good reasons not to. They remind us that we are capable of rising above common practices that demean our nature and our culture.

We can rationalize distorting the Golden Rule as "Do unto others as they have done unto you" or "Do unto others before they do unto you," but, in the terminology of the 60s, we then become part of the problem rather than the solution.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

* To learn more about Dr. Keith and his work, visit www.kentmkeith.com.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comment (5)