Things Are Just Things 644.5
Years ago, a listener told me her mom died leaving only a general will and a house full of personal items with sentimental and, in some cases, significant financial value. My listener said tensions were building among her and her two sisters as they approached the time to allocate their mom’s stuff.
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Each sister had different and conflicting expectations. The eldest believed her mom wanted her to have first choice of items. The middle sister had been the major caregiver, and their mom had told her, “I want you to have anything you want.” The youngest daughter said mom had promised certain important items to her to give to the grandchildren.
None of the sisters was greedy, and no one wanted to fight over mom’s things, but emotions were strong. Each was willing to surrender her claim, but could they do so without hard feelings? Unfortunately, this situation is not uncommon.
- First, the daughters should talk openly and agree that their relationships with each other are worth more than any belongings.
- Second, they should promise not to say or do anything that their mom would have disapproved of or that would sully their memory of her.
- Third, each sister must choose to let go of her expectations and claims as if all items were destroyed in a fire.
- Finally, they should find creative ways to divide the property without winners or losers. They might draw lots to establish a sequence of choices. Or certain important items could rotate annually among them. If some things are too encumbered with emotional claims, they should be sold or given to someone else.
What’s vital is that everyone remember that things are just things. It’s love and memories that have real and lasting value.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
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Comments
Your timing of this particular commentary could not have come at a better time. I am going through an almost identical situation with my brother. Just when you start to get frustrated and lose perspective are the best lessons available. Thank you.
Posted by: Patricia | November 13, 2009 5:52 AM
I'm the oldest of 11, ten of whom are still living. Imagine the potential chaos when our parents move on. I've already identified three items I'd like to have because I was told, "They go to the oldest son." One, a grandfather clock, will fit in a space in my home, which has been waiting for it for 6 1/2 years. However, I will not fight for anything. I'd much rather walk away from it than endanger a relationship.
My wife and I have two sons. Even though they are close and will be mature about this type of decision-making, I don't want them to have any problems along these lines. So my wife and I have decided on this method of allocation after our death: The sons are co-executors and will place a value on everything for an estate sale. Prior to the estate sale, they can purchase any item from the estate. If both want it, it can be bid upon with the highest bid earning the right to purchase. The earnings, of course, go to the estate.
After the estate sale, the earnings are evenly split between the two boys. In effect, they receive their prized item at half price and neither has an advantage.
We've told them already that our will and estate are designed in this manner. They know what to expect and seem quite comfortable with it. I hope it works!
Posted by: Ken Thiele | November 13, 2009 7:01 AM
A suggestion for this situation: If there are three siblings, together they should divide Mom's stuff into three equally valuable shares, not knowing at that point which share each sibling will get. After they have determined the shares are fair, then they can decide who gets first choice or draw lots or whatever. Then no matter who gets which one, each person feels he or she had a say in separating the items of value and are getting something important from Mom and "their fair share." Different numbers of siblings would follow the same process.
Posted by: John Rehm | November 13, 2009 10:32 AM