The Value of Trust 644.4
A teenager wants to go to a party, but she’s sure her mom won’t let her. So she and her friend concoct a false cover story.
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What’s the big deal? Most kids lie to their parents from time to time, and their parents probably lied to their parents. Despite rhetoric about virtue being its own reward, a great many adults – and a higher proportion of kids – are more likely to make their choices based on a calculation of risks and benefits than moral principles.
Since young people are particularly susceptible to choices that indulge impulses and favor immediate needs and wants, we need to teach them how making bad choices to gratify such desires can sabotage their most important relationships and impede critical life objectives.
Every dishonest act has at least two potential consequences: 1) the actual penalty, and 2) loss of trust. The second is by far the more serious and underestimated.
This is especially true in parent-child relationships. Where trust is important, there are no little lies. When parents don’t believe their children, their cords of control will be tighter and held longer. The price of lying is lost freedom.
It’s often difficult to predict how a decision today will affect tomorrow, but dishonesty often has a lasting negative impact on relationships and reputations as well as self-image and character.
From both a moral and practical perspective, honesty is the best policy.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
What do you think of this commentary?
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Comments
While I agree with you, there is the looming issue of Santa, the Easter Bunny, tooth fairy, and maybe the great pumpkin. As an adult, I hear more and more young people comment that implying Santa and company are real is a lie, and the long-term damage to your children isn't worth the lie.
I submit that there are aceptable short-term lies to help foster tradition, hope, and a host of other familiar good qualities. I submit that I am always honest, but sometimes not truthful. I think most people of character are. I seem to remember a commentary on this, but can't find it. I would enjoy knowing your thoughts.
Posted by: Jim yoder | November 12, 2009 7:05 PM
Stories are an important part of building relationships. Fairy tales, tall stories, Santa Claus are just a part of being creative with using our imaginations to weave a beautiful story. I agree with Jim Yoder's comments.
Posted by: Bob Burkhardt | November 13, 2009 3:38 PM
The story they concoct is that the girl is sleeping over at the other girl's house. Since the other girl is going to the party, too, either her mother is letting her go or she is allegedly sleeping over at the first girl's house.
Better hope no one's mother calls to check in or with a question ("Where did you leave my...?"), etc.
Thank goodness most teens are not very good liars and tend to get caught easily, such as by the simple phone call.
I just don't think parents should make such a big deal about this sort of thing unless the child has lied about something more important than going to a party, such as doing drugs, or is engaging in reprehensible aka: criminal behavior.
Posted by: Stephanie | November 14, 2009 10:30 AM
There are two more consequences to every dishonest act, which you only mention in passing: what it does to your character and the long-term results. I have tried to teach my kids that you never get away with any dishonest act; you may not get caught and no one else may ever know, but you know. If you think you got away with it once, you'll try it again. If you get away with it again, you'll try something bigger next time. Eventually, you'll teach yourself that you have to lie, cheat or steal to get what you want in life instead of working at something honestly and productively to get it. I wish I had learned that sooner and did a better job of teaching my kids.
Posted by: Tom Jones | November 15, 2009 10:47 AM
I am with Tom 100% on this. All of the little things is what makes a big thing successful or leads them to fail. Not being forthright about a party delves right into #2. I often tell my athletes, if you cheat at golf, you will never understand what we are trying to accomplish. My old coach and mentor would religiously make the statement, "You are only as good as you are when you are alone." Develop the trust, teach and talk to your kids on a regular basis. When they will openly tell you about the little things that may be mischievous, the tendency to have honest communication about the big things will go up. Hence, less fear of retribution. The best part.....your kids will probably not cheat at golf.
Posted by: Joel Barta | November 18, 2009 6:13 AM