Forgiving Without Condoning or Forgetting 645.1
I suspect all of us have been hurt in deep and lasting ways by the words or acts of another. It’s normal in such situations to feel hostility toward the person who hurt us. If we allow the offense to linger, we may carry the hurt and resentment in the form of a grudge. Usually this causes more unhappiness for us than the person we’re mad at.
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Some religions speak of forgiveness as a moral duty, others as a worthy virtue, and still others impose preconditions on the wrongdoer before he or she is entitled to be forgiven. Whatever your religious views, psychologists say the ability to forgive is closely correlated to happiness and mental health.
Some people refuse to even entertain the idea of forgiveness because they don’t think the person they resent deserves to be forgiven. Others don’t want to appear to condone or excuse the conduct and certainly don’t want to reconcile with the person.
The essence of forgiveness is a voluntary decision to abandon continuing resentment, to let go of anger, and to move on. It doesn’t require or imply condoning, excusing, or forgetting. Nor does it require that the forgiver re-establish a relationship with the wrongdoer.
According to Dr. Ben Dean, the capacity to forgive is related to the character strength of empathy. People who can empathize with an offender and see things from that person’s perspective are much better able to forgive. He also says that the older we get, the more forgiving we’re likely to become.
Hmmm. We usually get wiser, too. So maybe it’s wise to forgive.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
What do you think of this commentary?
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Comments
It is important to keep family and friends together. Do not hate, just try to get along.
Posted by: Joseph | November 19, 2009 2:41 PM
Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for the person who is trying to forgive. You have an opportunity to grow as a person while letting go of those negative emotions (anger, resentment) that hold you back from being the best person you can be.
Posted by: ReNina Minter | November 19, 2009 10:50 PM
As someone else put it: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past."
Posted by: Charlie | November 20, 2009 4:39 AM
I agree that forgiveness is important or you will be eaten up by anger, but I am having great difficulty trying to forgive the person who murdered my 25-year-old daughter.
Posted by: Adrian | November 20, 2009 9:46 AM
If someone has changed or sincerely regrets their actions, I believe in forgiving them. For example, I had a very abusive mother who ended up having a very sad life and regretted her choices. Even though she did not voice that to me, it was obvious. I was able to forgive her and tell her so before she died, and it was very moving for both of us.
On the other hand, I have had other people in my life who have not changed and would harm me again today if I allowed it. It is in my best interests to keep my distance. I do not believe in forgiving them yet but am open to it when I see a change in character.
I don't believe everyone deserves forgiveness, but it can be a wonderful thing.
Posted by: Andrea | November 20, 2009 9:54 AM
Thank you for this commentary. Paragraph #4 really says it all in my opinion.
Posted by: Mike D | November 21, 2009 5:47 AM
I am with the father whose child was murdered as was my 19 year old daughter by her husband of 17 months leaving behind my little five month old Natasha who is still in the clutches of the monster father.
I am afraid I find it impossible to forgive this man who escaped consequences of his actions that were so destructive for all concerned. I pray Divine Justice is meted out to him in good measure.
Posted by: minnie | November 25, 2009 9:39 PM
Dear Adrian (regarding the comment): First, may I offer condolences for your tragic loss. Second, may I offer a guide to be considered.
It is often said by wise people that forgiveness is not about the offender, so it is not about forgiving the murderer. Instead, it is about you and your not being able to forgive. If you are able to forgive, it is for your own peace of mind and soul.
Of the parties that are involved: you, your daughter, and the murderer, you may be the only person still in agony and suffering, it only continues the murderer's power over you.
The tragedy you did not allow, of course, but the difficulty you continue to experience is something that you are allowing. In such, you are allowing the murderer to continue to inflict pain, voluntarily, on you.
It is necessary to let go, not for the murderer, but for your own sake. Forgiving him does not condone the act, but it will free your energy and give your life back. Because not only did he take your daughter's life, you are allowing him to take yours too. His act completely consumes your consciousness.
If you value your life, you must forgive, so that you are able to live the remaining of your life based on your own terms, not someone else control over you.
To help:
1. Make a conscious decision that you will forgive
2. Remind yourself that the murderer will suffer the karmic retribution equal, if not greater, than his heinous act. Your kindness will set you free
3. Seek answer through some study of Buddhism
So sorry for your great loss.
Posted by: T. Lu | November 25, 2009 10:30 PM
Thanks for your Comment, Charlie. It struck a responsive chord. We certainly can learn from M.J., but also from each other.
Posted by: Richard | November 26, 2009 7:20 AM
I agree with all your ideas in this comment.
But I think it's missing something for that voluntary decision.
When we decide forgiveness, we must have enough reasons for it.
Sometimes it seems the damage received, whether material or not, is extreme and it can´t deserve forgiveness. Mental health, compassion, respect, circumstances, other person's qualities, are not enough, because we think our damage or offense is the biggest. At this point we lose the hope and peace.
The only source is an improvement of character, or a reason above our human nature. I have seen many persons (some of them near to suicide) who find that reason and recover the hope just watching slowly a crucifix.
Posted by: Leonel | November 26, 2009 9:53 AM
Forgiveness is not the nature of human beings. We naturally want revenge. It takes the intervention of the God of our understanding, especially when it is really bad, like a murder. But if we don't forgive, the resentment will eat us up and the person, if he did evil just because he wanted to hurt us, he has been successful.
God has forgiven all sin. Who are we to play God and decide that someone is "undeserving" of forgiveness. It is not about us.
It is real difficult however. Like I said, it is not a natural born characteristic.
Posted by: Rhonda | November 29, 2009 6:17 AM
According to Judaism and Christianity, even God does not forgive one who is unrepentant. Forgiveness is not an entitlement; it needs to be earned.
However, rather than seek revenge, one should pray that the transgressor will recognize the transgresson and atone for it in some way. By-the-way, this is also the basis of Twelve-step programs such as Alcoholics Anoymous.
Posted by: Anne Marie Whittaker | November 30, 2009 7:45 AM