The Blue Stone and the White Lie 640.5
When my daughter Abrielle was 4, she came running down the hall screaming. “I don’t want to die! I swallowed a stone!” I immediately determined that nothing was obstructing her throat, but she was still in a panic.
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“It’s okay, sweetheart,” I tried to soothe her. “You’re not going to die.”
She thought I didn’t understand. “But I swallowed a stone! It was a blue one!” she emphasized, as if I should realize that was a particularly deadly one.
Apparently a babysitter, to discourage her from putting things in her mouth, had told her she could die if she swallowed the wrong things. To Aby, that included some polished stones I’d given her.
I assured her that she was in no danger, that the stone would come out in the morning when she went poo-poo.
She ran to the toilet, hollering, “I want it out now!” She began pushing so hard, it looked like a blood vessel would burst. She was frightened and desperate.
Moments like this test and refine your values. Truth and reason weren’t working. So I lied.
“I know what to do,” I declared. I got a spoonful of maple syrup and brought it back. “Here, swallow this,” I told her. “It will melt the stone.”
“Will it be gone?” she looked up in wonder.
“Absolutely.”
She swallowed it and announced triumphantly, “Daddy melted the stone! I’m not going to die!”
The emergency was over, but I hated lying to her. A few weeks later, I sat down and told her the truth, worried that she would never trust me again. Funny, she trusted me even more.
Truth is important, but trust is the ultimate treasure.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
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Comments
I kept a picture of the Vietnam War memorial wall with the "Honor Code of I will not lie, cheat, or steal nor tolerate those that do" above my desk. I made sure there were no little while lies or lies by omission. I was a servant leader and worked hours longer than required. I also lost my job. Those who did little and lied a lot kept theirs. Sometimes I feel angry and bitter, however, I would rather be unemployed than to have lost my integrity. I will get a new job...but integrity cannot be replaced.
Posted by: Stephanie Chapin | October 16, 2009 12:30 PM
Sometimes not telling the truth is an important tool for caregivers of those with dementia as well. Indeed, trust is the ultimate treasure.
Having had a couple of bouts with cancer as a young woman, I had to trust my physicians and my own heart, not statistics and probabilities.
Posted by: Kathleen | October 16, 2009 12:38 PM
Immanuel Kant said that lying is always wrong, that no matter how noble the reason for the lie, the truth will come out and the consequences will be worse.
I never agreed with him because it flies in the face of reality.
It clearly is not a problem to lie to a child who is too young to understand how the body works and thinks she's going to die from swallowing a stone. What is the alternative - sedate her until it passes?
What about those people who hid Jews or helped opposition political people escape or joined the underground during WWII? Their entire lives were a lie during that time.
Just recently, some group was discovered to be plotting terrorist activities here in the USA - they planned to blow up something in NY. FBI agents probably lied about who they were and pretended to be interested in joining such a group in order to find them. That is what happened in a number of prior foiled attempts by terrorists based in this country - an FBI agent convinced them he was one of them and infiltrated the group.
Anyone want that type of lying to stop?
That said, I also cannot stand the idea of the police lying to a suspect by telling him or her that they have evidence against that person so they better confess and settle for the lower sentence resulting from a plea bargain. The police have even gotten false witnesses (jailhouse snitches, members of the community threatened by the police) to testify under oath at trial. This type of lying is always wrong.
Bottom line: when lying is to help others, it may be a good thing; when it is strictly self-serving, it's probably wrong.
Posted by: stephanie | October 16, 2009 12:49 PM
As the matriarch and care-giver in what has become a large family, I can assure all young people that trust is the most important of all character needs. Trust is what binds a marriage, long-lasting friendship, or any relationship with another. It is knowing or conveying that neither will ever deliberately hurt the other, for there is true caring involved.
Posted by: Edie | October 17, 2009 5:11 AM