When George Washington was 16, he discovered a booklet of 110 maxims describing how a well-mannered person should behave. He was so convinced that they would help him become a better person that he set out to incorporate them into his daily living. Among Washington’s many virtues, his commitment to civility marked him as a gentleman and helped him become a universally respected and enormously effective leader.

By today’s standards, Washington’s notions of civility seem quaint and old-fashioned, but the purpose of manners and etiquette is to soften relationships with respect and to treat others graciously.

Instead of updating our concept of manners to accord with modern lifestyles, we seem to be abandoning the notion of civility entirely. We’re exposed to heavy doses of tactless, nasty, and cruel remarks on daytime talk shows, dating games, and courtroom and reality programs.

As a result, we’ve produced a generation that’s comfortable being brutish and malicious and a society that’s increasingly coarse and unpleasant.

In a tense world full of conflicts, frustrations, and competition, civility is an important social lubricant that helps us live together constructively. If we care about the world we’re making for our children, we need to be less tolerant of mean-spirited, discourteous, and impolite remarks and do a better job of teaching and modeling civility.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:35 AM | Permalink | Comment (5)

What’s causing the growing hole in our moral ozone? Why are cheating and lying so common in schools, on the sports field, and in business and politics? Apparently it’s a thing called pressure.

Kids are under pressure to get into college, athletes and coaches are under pressure to win, and according to a survey by the American Management Association, the pressure to meet business objectives and deadlines is the leading cause of unethical corporate behavior. The desires to further one’s career and protect one's livelihood are the second and third reasons people lie or cheat.

In other words, we take ethical shortcuts to get what we want. DUH!

Why are we so willing to shift responsibility for every form of human weakness from ourselves to the system? We don’t blame the liar; we blame the law. We don’t blame the cheater; we blame the test.

The implication is: Don’t expect me to be ethical when personal interests are at stake.

Please!

What we call pressures today used to be called temptations. Everyone knew that the test of character was our ability to resist them. Calling enticements pressures doesn’t change anything.

We must believe in and expect integrity and moral courage and not surrender when our principles are challenged. We need to expect good people to do what’s right, even when it’s difficult or costly.

Yes, lots of people act dishonorably in the face of pressure. But pressure is an explanation, not a justification. Pressures, temptations – call them what you will – are part of life. Sure, it would be helpful if we had less pressure, but it’s far more important that we have more character.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Here are three suggestions for parents of teens, all learned through my own mistakes:

First, with emerging demands for independence, worries about peer acceptance, pressures of school and extracurricular activities, and a continuous search for self-identity, adolescents are on a physical and emotional roller coaster. Like every generation before them (including yours), teens are often arrogant and over-confident about their knowledge and your ignorance and deeply insecure about most other things.

They’re going to make mistakes, behave badly, and be thoroughly self-absorbed. Although they want you to be less involved in their lives, they actually need you more. And despite continual battles, if you’re open, you’ll experience glorious moments that all of you will cherish your whole lives.

Second, be firm but choose your battles carefully. Don’t back down when dealing with important principles, but don’t make every issue a hill you’re willing to die on either. Be content to lose occasionally and give in graciously.

Third, don’t belittle or underestimate the importance of their feelings. It may seem like they’re over-reacting, but teens feel emotions like embarrassment, loneliness, insecurity, frustration, and love intensely. It’s disrespectful to minimize or discount these feelings with useless advice like “You’ll get over it” or “Everyone feels that way.” Nor is it helpful to dismiss or invalidate an emotion by saying “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

Teens can be hard to love, but be patient. Soon they’ll be the parents of your grandchildren.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:49 AM | Permalink | Comment (2)

Abraham Lincoln was very concerned with character, but he also was aware of the importance of having a good reputation. He explained the difference this way: “Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.” Put another way, your reputation is what people think of you, and your character is what you actually are.

In a world preoccupied with image, it’s easy to worry too much about our reputation and too little about our character. Building a reputation is largely a public relations project; building character requires us to focus on our values and actions. Noble rhetoric and good intentions aren’t enough.

What we’re looking for is moral strength based on ethical principles. Character is revealed by actions, not words — especially when there’s a gap between what we want to do and what we should do, and when doing the right thing costs more than we want to pay.

Our character is revealed by how we deal with pressures and temptations. But it’s also disclosed by everyday actions, including what we say and do when we think no one is looking and we assume we won’t get caught. The way we treat people we think can’t help or hurt us, like housekeepers, waiters, and secretaries, tells more about our character than how we treat people we think are important. People who are honest, kind, and fair only when there is something to gain shouldn’t be confused with people of real character who demonstrate these qualities habitually, under all circumstances.

Character is not a fancy coat we put on for show; it’s who we really are.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:31 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

Looking back on your life, what would you change if you could?

In the classic 1939 film It’s a Wonderful Life, the main character, a small-town bank officer played by Jimmy Stewart, is about to commit suicide when an angel shows him how different the lives of people in Bedford Falls would have been if he hadn’t been born. The movie is a favorite because it affirms how each of us touches the lives and shapes the future in unexpected and often marvelous ways.

More modern films like Back to the Future, Sliding Door, and Frequency are built on a similar premise: If you change the past, you change the future – often in dramatic and unpredictable ways. If you change one thing, you change everything.

Given the potential impact of every decision we make, it’s wise to think ahead. Although few things turn out exactly as we plan, the better we understand how our choices can start a chain reaction of events, the more likely we’ll get what we want.

The enormous complexity of cause and effect leads to another conclusion: It’s futile to look back at our lives with “what if” scenarios. What’s done is done. Although changing our past would change our present, it would do so in ways that are so unpredictable that we could never know whether it would be for better or worse.

Accept and celebrate the fact that what you are today is a direct result of everything that’s happened to you. It’s pointless to wish things were different. Remember, if you change one thing, you change everything.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:33 AM | Permalink | Comment (7)

If a person asserted a Constitutional right to prevent the government from doing something the President or Congress wanted to do, would you call him or her a conservative or a liberal? Would you support or oppose the position?

In today’s blindly partisan world, the answer would seem to depend on what right the person was asserting and whether you sympathize with the claim.

Thus, if someone opposes laws allowing gay marriages or abortions or restricting gun ownership, you’re likely to label her a conservative. If you have conservative leanings, you’d probably support her.

On the other hand, if someone opposes attempts to limit free speech, supports laws providing free medical care, or prohibits torture, the person would likely be called a liberal. If you agree with him, you’d likely to approve his use of the Constitution.

My point is, many people only see the world through the clouded lenses of their political and social ideologies. They subordinate principles to partisanship and create a world where those who agree with them are inherently smart and good and those who don’t are stupid and evil.

Partisanship often leads to prejudice, precluding the fair evaluation of new facts. It also leads to self-righteousness and intolerance. The problem isn’t with deeply held convictions, it’s that too many people think that the more intensely they believe something, the more likely it is that they’re right.

Ranting and name-calling by both the left and right do a disservice to our country. They promote picking sides rather than analyzing issues.

The social positions of people of character are governed by reflective reasoning, not reflexive responses; by logic, not loyalty; and by consistency with enduring principles, not political parties.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:30 AM | Permalink | Comment (4)

The students at Sandy’s high school were badly shaken by the news that a classmate had killed himself. The suicide note read: “It’s hard to live when nobody cares if you die.”

Glen, a teacher, realized this was a teachable moment about the importance of making people feel valued. He asked his class to imagine they were about to die and to write a note “telling someone how and why you appreciate him or her.”

Sandy, who had a rocky relationship with her mother, decided to write her mom. Her letter read: “We’ve had some rough times and I haven’t always been a very good daughter, but I know I’m lucky to have you in my life. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. Even when I disagree with you, I never doubt you love me and want what’s best for me. Thanks for not giving up on me.”

When her mom read the note, she cried and hugged Sandy tightly but said little.

The next morning, Sandy found a note on her mirror:

“Dearest Sandy, I want you to know being your mother is, by far, the most important thing in my life. Until I got your note, I thought I had lost your love and respect. I felt like such a failure. I intended to end it all last night. Your note saved my life.”

Be careful not to underestimate the power of expressed appreciation. It won’t always save a life, but it will always make someone’s life better.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:29 AM | Permalink | Comment (4)

A sure way to elicit angry mail is to criticize common rationalizations. So I expected to be called a self-righteous purist who is out of touch with reality when I protested against a young man's decision to conceal from a new employer his commitment to start his Air Force tour of duty in three months.

Just because we're convinced that we have a moral right to something doesn't mean that others have a moral obligation to give it to us. The filter of self-interest inevitably distorts our perceptions about our rights and others' obligations. It's even harder to accept that wanting something, even needing it, is not a moral justification for lying, cheating, or stealing to get it. Moreover, most necessity claims are illusions. As Nietzsche said, "Necessity is not a fact; it's an interpretation."

When our children earnestly declare, "I really need it!" or "That's so unfair!" we don't take their claims at face value. We've got to be equally critical of our own rationalizations.

Remember, if it's OK for someone who "needs" a short-term job to lie or conceal important facts to get it, then it's equally OK for an employer to lie about only needing a short-term employee. If it's OK for a tenant who "needs" an apartment to lie about having pets, then we can't complain if the landlord falsely promises to install a new carpet.

Next time you feel justified in lying to get what you think you deserve, ask yourself if you'd feel the same way if you were the one being lied to.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 5:46 PM | Permalink | Comment (2)

During an experiment, pigeons were put in cages, each having one green and one red button. In the first cage, if the birds pecked the green button, they got food every time. In the second cage, the green button yielded food erratically, and the pigeons had to persist to get enough food. In both cases, pecking the red button did nothing. Both sets of birds thrived, learning what they had to do to survive and ignoring the red button that yielded no food.

When the birds in the first cage that got a reward every time were put in the second cage that fed them only occasionally, they failed to adapt. They hit their heads against the cage and pecked wildly at everything in sight.

There are two lessons we can take from this study:

First, the pigeons quickly learned from experience to avoid the red button because it was unproductive. There are lots of people who would lead smoother and happier lives if they, too, stopped pushing red buttons that never give them what they want.

Second, birds that have it too easy get spoiled and develop an entitlement mentality that prevents them from adapting to situations where they must work harder to solve their problems. Some people are like that also. They don’t deal well with new circumstances, especially those that require persistence.

Part of being responsible is learning to appreciate the benefits of tenacity and the wisdom of avoiding useless, harmful, and self-defeating patterns of behavior.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:52 AM | Permalink | Comment (6)

When someone you care about is suffering greatly, what’s the right thing to say to make him or her feel better?

There are all sorts of traumas that can send us to the darkest dungeons of despair – the death of a loved one, being raped, getting a divorce, losing a limb, seeing a child sent to jail or on drugs. Whatever the cause, when we become so despondent or depressed that we start wondering whether life is worth living, we need a real friend.

I’m no expert in conveying condolences, but one thing I’ve learned is that trying to command, cajole, or convince a broken person to repress, reject, or disguise his or her feelings is more harmful than helpful.

Telling someone whose loved one died not to feel bad because “She lived a long life” or “At least he’s not suffering anymore” might offer some consolation, but it doesn’t go to the core of the hurt or acknowledge the loss of the person left to deal with the tragedy’s aftermath.

Even less helpful are remarks like “It’s not as bad as it seems,” “It could have been worse,” or “You’ll get over it.” However well-intentioned, attempts to give a grieving person a long-term perspective probably won’t work while the pain’s still intense and fresh.

Worst of all, telling a person to “Cheer up” or “Look at the bright side” as if the individual simply has to flip a switch implies that the person ought to be handling his or her sorrow better.

Finally, what makes us think we’re helping a grief-stricken friend by using his or her tragedy as an excuse to talk about ourselves? (“I know how you feel. I lost my dad last year” or “You’ll get over it. I did.”)

In the early stages, grief isn’t just an attitude, it’s an affliction. It can’t be turned off or toned down. It often has to run its course. Yes, there may be times when we can redirect a friend to other matters and more positive thoughts, but generally he or she has to experience and work through all the natural emotions that flow from the calamity including self-pity, resentment, anger, and fear.

The bottom line is, this is tricky territory. Most of us just aren’t as good as those who write Hallmark cards.

On the other hand, it’s just as bad if we become so self-conscious about saying the wrong thing that we fail to be there at all. All we can do is speak through our hearts, hoping our awkward words will be forgiven and our good intentions appreciated.

The best antidotes to hopeless grief are sincere expressions of love and support that prove life is worth living.

What do you think? Is there a right thing to say? What have you said or written to someone that meant a lot to that person? If you’ve ever experienced deep grief, what did someone do that uplifted you?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comment (49)

Here’s the bad news:

Virtue isn’t a golden ticket to a pain-free life. Bad things happen to good people as often as they happen to bad people.

It seems unfair, but in the natural order of the world, suffering is random. To expect otherwise is to sentence oneself to despondency, disillusionment, bitterness, and anger.

Here’s the good news:

The magic power that comes with our humanity isn’t a shield protecting us from misfortune but an inner strength that helps us deal with it, overcome it, and learn from it so we can still find love, laughter, and joy despite it.

At our lowest moments, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. All we need is the faith and moral courage to find the spark within that, with just a puff of hope, can become a flame bright enough to show us the way out.

But what can we do if despair is feeding on the soul of someone we love?

We can’t carry their burdens or make their pain or grief go away, but we can be a friend so they don’t suffer or grieve alone.

Simply by being there – with a shared tear, a kind hug, or an outstretched hand – we can be a living answer to despair’s dark question: “How can I go on?”

In the midst of despair, being reminded that tomorrow is another day provides no comfort because it’s hard to believe tomorrow will be any better. But it will be. Tomorrow is the doorway to the future, and that’s where we’ll live the rest of our lives.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

* Here are a few more thoughts:

“Yes, bad things happen to good people, but so do good things – and they come with greater frequency and intensity. Virtues like honesty, love, compassion, and service create a moral gravity that attracts opportunities, rewarding relationships, and an enduring peace of mind that only comes to those who live worthy lives.”
– Michael Josephson

“We could bear any burden if we thought there was a meaning to what we were doing. Have I made it harder for people to accept their illnesses, their misfortunes, their family tragedies by telling them they are not sent by God as part of some master plan? Let me suggest that the bad things that happen to us do not have a meaning. They do not happen for any good reason which would cause us to accept them willingly. But we can give them a meaning.”
– Harold Kushner in Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

“The facts of life and death are neutral. We, by our responses, give suffering either a positive or a negative meaning. Illnesses, accidents, human tragedies kill people. But they do not necessarily kill life or faith. If the death and suffering of someone we love makes us bitter, jealous, against all religion, and incapable of happiness, we turn the person who died into one of the devil’s martyrs. If suffering and death in someone close to us brings us to explore the limits of our capacity for strength and love and cheerfulness, if it leads us to discover sources of consolation we never knew before, then we make the person into a witness for the affirmation of life rather than its rejection.
– Harold Kushner in Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

“God, who neither causes nor prevents tragedies, helps by inspiring people to help.”
– Harold Kushner in Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:36 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

Recently, two dear friends were inflicted with the soul-searing, heart-rending pain of death. One lost her lifelong companion and soul mate, Bob Hill, a gentle man who lived a good life of 70 years. The other had to say goodbye to her innocent newborn son, Roy William Munro Skinner-Ketay, the victim of a neurological anomaly.

I’ve tried to process these personal tragedies in the context of notorious homicides including the killing of Ed Thomas, a beloved teacher-coach in Iowa who was shot by a mentally ill former player and the conscienceless murder of Byrd and Melanie Billings, a Florida couple revered for caring for and loving 19 children including a dozen with special needs.

How can we explain the deaths of the good and innocent?

In his book Why Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold Kushner, whose young son died of a rare disease, shares his struggle to keep his faith and understand undeserved suffering. He found no comfortable answers, thoughtfully discussing and ultimately rejecting classic answers given by religionists: God has a hidden purpose that we cannot and need not understand, suffering is a test or a lesson, or death leads our loved ones to a better place.

Rabbi Kushner writes that he finally found peace of mind when he gave up the idea that everything happens for a reason or that God causes or purposefully allows everything to happen. It’s futile and foolish to expect the consequences of natural forces and human nature to conform to our notions of fairness. “God doesn’t send us the problem,” he says. “He gives us the strength to cope with the problem.”

If we want to move beyond our grief and find continuing meaning in our lives, we shouldn’t ask, “Why did this happen?” but “What am I going to do with the life I have now?”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

* If this topic interests you, I hope you’ll read the book. I found it full of profound insights and thought-provoking assertions:

Regarding why some believe God is the cause of our suffering and that He wants us to suffer: “There may be another approach. Maybe God does not cause our suffering. Maybe it happens for some reason other than the will of God.”

Regarding why nature is morally blind, without values, following its own laws and not caring who or what gets in the way: “God is not morally blind. I could not worship Him if I thought He was. God stands for justice, for fairness, for compassion. For me, the earthquake is not an act of God. The act of God is the courage of people to rebuild their lives after the earthquake and the rush of others to help them in whatever way they can.”

Regarding why good people or innocent children aren’t spared: “Laws of nature do not make exceptions for nice people. A bullet has no conscience; neither does a malignant tumor or an automobile gone out of control. That is why good people get sick and get hurt as much as anyone.”

Regarding why emotional and physical pains exist: “Pain is the price we pay for being alive. When we understand that, our question will change from, ‘Why do we have to be in pain?’ to ‘What do we do with our pain so it becomes meaningful and not just pointless empty suffering?’ We may not ever understand why we suffer or be able to control the forces that cause our suffering, but we can have a lot to say about what the suffering does to us and what we become because of it. Pain makes some people bitter and envious. It makes others sensitive and compassionate. It is the result, not the cause, of pain that makes some experiences meaningful and others empty and destructive.”

Regarding why bad things happen to good people: “Being human leaves us free to hurt each other, and God can’t stop us without taking away the freedom that makes us human. God can only look down in pity and compassion at how little we have learned.”

Regarding why God can’t or won’t at least stop man’s most barbaric acts: “Where was God in Auschwitz? It was not God who caused it. The Holocaust was at least as much of an offense to God’s moral order as it is to mine, or how can I respect God as a source of moral guidance? I have to believe the tears and prayers of the victims aroused God’s compassion, but having given man freedom to choose, including the freedom to choose to hurt his neighbor, there was nothing God could do to prevent it.”

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comment (13)

Five hundred years before the birth of Christ, Confucius was asked, “Is there one word that may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life?”

He answered, “Reciprocity. What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.” This basic principle, now called the Golden Rule, can be found in every major religion and philosophy.

Although many people evoke one version or another of this rule, it’s often misused. You see, the Golden Rule is not primarily a rule of enlightened self-interest. Sure, people are more likely to be nice to you if you’re nice to them, but the moral center of this principle is lost if you simply view it as a rule of exchange: Do unto others so they will do unto you. Do unto others as they have done unto you. Do unto others before they do unto you.

The core of the Golden Rule is a moral obligation to treat others ethically for their sake, not ours, even if it’s better than the way they treat us. Therefore, we should be honest to liars, fair to the unjust, kind to cruel people.

Why? Certainly not because it’s advantageous, but because it’s right. And because the way we treat others is about who we are, not who they are. It’s like the man who broke off an argument that had descended into name-calling by saying, “Sir, I will treat you as a gentleman – not because you are one, but because I am one.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comment (7)

Modern managers often utter clichés about wanting employees to think outside the box, take risks, and be creative. While I’m sure companies appreciate innovative breakthroughs that increase profits, productivity, or quality, the fact is that most organizations are inhospitable to those who challenge old ways of doing things, even practices that are inefficient, useless, or counterproductive.

I’ve talked before about employees’ obligation to pursue excellence. But managers have an equal if not larger duty to establish an atmosphere where employees are truly expected and willing to think and act in the best interests of the company and its customers.

According to Josephson Institute surveys, between one-fourth and one-third of all employees say there’s a kill the messenger tradition at their job, causing them to distort or conceal negative information or tailor data to give managers what they want to hear.

A sure sign that management hasn’t done enough to promote candor is when a manager asks, “Why didn’t someone tell me?” Companies must find ways to more effectively send the message that employees who produce and demand quality are to be prized, not penalized.

I’ve come to believe there’s never just one incompetent or unaccountable employee. There are at least two: the employee and the manager who keeps him or her employed.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

One of the toughest jobs in the world is being a teenager. Everything's in transition. Everything's intense – even apathy.

Kids on the brink of adulthood have to cope with inconsistencies and conflicts. The desire to be different clashes with the need to fit in. The desire to be independent collides with the aversion to self-reliance and personal responsibility.

Here are five ways to improve your journey through adolescence:

1. Be yourself.Mindless conformity is a prison. Express yourself authentically and don’t be afraid to stand out. But don’t dress or behave in extreme ways just to be different or to prove you can. You don’t need orange hair, a nose ring, or tattoos to be special. It’s more important to be respected than noticed.

2. Don’t expect too much or settle for too little. Don’t expect anyone else to make you happy, but don’t allow others to treat you badly. Hang out with people who bring out the best in you, and be the kind of person who brings out the best in others.

3. Responsibility is a privilege, not a penalty. Dependability and self-reliance are your tickets to freedom and independence. Don’t waste energy resisting what you have to do. Instead, win others’ trust by doing what you should do.

4. Think ahead. Every act has a consequence. The choices you make today will shape tomorrow. Pleasure lasts for a moment, but happiness lasts much longer. Just because it feels good doesn't make it good.

5. Take charge of your life. Your life is your ship, so be the captain, not a passenger. Figure out what needs to be done to improve your life, and then make it happen. Your attitudes are more important than your aptitudes. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control what happens in you. Don’t whine, win.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:37 AM | Permalink | Comment (5)

During a seminar on ethics in the workplace, participants spoke about a wide array of unethical conduct they’d witnessed. They talked about high-level employees who lied on internal reports, blatantly took credit for others’ work, and intimidated or abused subordinates. These were clear-cut violations of organizational policy. Yet in most cases, the perpetrators escaped serious sanction.

Executives, who are responsible for upholding organizational standards, seem to find an endless array of excuses to look the other way. Hence, the culture of many private and public institutions reflects a don’t-rock-the-boat, avoid-confrontation-at-any-cost philosophy that undermines integrity and morale.

When managers systematically allow employees to get away with forbidden behavior, they make a mockery of organizational policies and ethical rhetoric. What’s worse, they cultivate seeds of inefficiency and corruption and demoralize employees who do live up to higher standards of personal conduct. Every time we let the bad guys win, we weaken the resolve of dozens of folks who need to know that playing by the rules is not just for suckers.

How many organizations are mired in the quicksand of hypocrisy because they’re led by executives who are too timid or ambitious to demand honorable behavior? Good organizations need good people, men and women of principle who can resist the seductions of short-term political expediency and overcome fears of litigation or unpopularity.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comment (7)

In one of my first programs as an ethicist, I was questioning a panel of journalists in front of an audience of about 400 radio and television news directors. It was shortly after Senator Gary Hart had been forced to withdraw from the presidential race because of a sex scandal.

I posed the obvious question: “Is it ever proper for a journalist to reveal a public official’s private life?”

Jack Anderson, the well-known investigative columnist, replied, “I don’t think we should unless it’s relevant to his job." As I turned to the audience to ask how this test would apply to Gary Hart, he added, “But we don’t always follow our own tests.”

I asked him to explain.

He said, “A few years ago, a woman came into my office and gave me an airtight affidavit that the mayor of Tucson had bit her on the thigh. I didn’t think this was relevant to his job…but some stories are too good to pass up.”

His answer revealed a gap between our stated values (the standards we say we apply) and our operational values (the standards we actually apply). If people are asked about their ethical standards, most will state admirable rules and virtues, platitudes they think they believe in. But if we examine their behavior, their real standards are often quite a bit lower.

Like Jack Anderson, many of us judge ourselves by our highest ideals and best intentions. What we have to remember is that others judge us by our actions.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:48 AM | Permalink | Comment (23)

“What will you be when you grow up?”

It's a serious question. As kids, we knew we were going to be something and that to be something was to be someone. Even as our ambitions changed, we knew what we were going to be was important and our choice.

When I entered UCLA Law School in 1964, I wanted to do good. Yet when I graduated three years later, I just wanted to do well. My life’s mission had changed, not as the result of conscious choice but as a surrender to the momentum of an elaborate matchmaking ritual: the ultimate competition to get job offers from the most prestigious employers and to attain the most hard-to-get jobs.

Money was definitely a factor, as almost all of us had student loans to pay off, but the larger force was a desire for validation. I was, by inclination and training, highly competitive. Getting a coveted job was the ultimate trophy. Intoxicated with a desire to win, I abandoned my wish of being significant in favor of being successful.

I was lucky. The tax firm I wanted didn’t make me an offer, so I took a teaching position at the University of Michigan Law School. I discovered I loved teaching and stayed with it for nearly 20 years before I founded an ethics institute in honor of my parents.

You may start out intending to be the captain, but if you’re not careful, you may find yourself drifting in another direction, a passenger on your own ship. Your life is too important to be little.

Be what you want to be.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)

There’s a nice poem by Valerie Cox circulating on the Internet about a woman who bought some cookies and a book at an airport and sat down to read and nibble while waiting for her plane. She soon noticed a man sitting next to her, who casually took a cookie from the bag.

Although shocked and seething, the woman remained silent as the man, without the slightest sign of shame or gratitude, quietly helped himself, matching her cookie for cookie.

When there was one cookie left, she watched in amazement as he picked it up, smiled at her as if he were being gracious, and broke it in half. He ate one half and gave her the other. Congratulating herself for maintaining her cool, she said nothing to this rude cookie thief, astonished at the nerve of some people.

Later, when she was settling into her seat on the plane, she rummaged through her purse and discovered the bag of cookies she’d purchased, still unopened. The moral message is contained in the poem’s closing stanza:

“If mine are here,” she moaned with despair,
“Then the others were his, and he tried to share.”
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.*

Being sure is not the same as being right. Certainty without humility can lead to self-righteousness that distorts our view and understanding of the world and of people.

Humility doesn’t require us to be equivocal or doubtful about our deepest convictions. What it asks is that we hold and advocate our beliefs without dismissing the possibility that others may be right instead.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

*To read the full poem by Valerie Cox, go to: http://www.motivatingquotes.com/cookie.htm

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:50 AM | Permalink | Comment (4)

The Fourth of July should be more than a birthday celebration marked by fireworks. It’s a time to appreciate and honor the great democracy our forefathers created, including a profoundly wise system of Constitutional checks and balances.

Conflicting views of rights and responsibilities are unavoidable, but passionate disagreement and debate should strengthen rather than undermine our national commitment to peacefully and respectfully resolving differences. It doesn’t serve us well when our most cherished principles are assaulted under the banner of what some call a “cultural war.”

The process of refining our definition of liberty in a manner that balances personal freedoms against various perspectives of a good society is continuous and endless. Every decade has seen momentous conflicts involving civil and religious rights, including prohibition, polygamy, pornography, capital punishment, euthanasia, abortion, and homosexuality. In each case, court decisions pleased some and infuriated others.

I disagree with many of the Supreme Court’s majority decisions. Still, it’s unwise and unpatriotic to attack the court system and vilify judges when disagreeing with a judgment. And it’s arrogant to equate the intensity of one’s convictions with the likelihood that one is right.

The issues that reach the Supreme Court are vital. But it’s vastly more important that we have and support a method of peacefully and thoughtfully resolving ideological rifts that threaten our ability to live together in respectful peace.

If we lose confidence in the wisdom or integrity of the judicial process and try to rig it so we’ll get the answers we want, we’ll all someday find ourselves on the other side of ideological tyranny.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comment (1)

As you celebrate the Fourth of July, please take some time to discuss with your family the historical and spiritual significance of the Declaration of Independence and the 56 men who risked their lives issuing one of the great documents in human history.

At the core of the Declaration is the profound assertion that each of us is endowed with certain unalienable rights to “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Unfortunately, too many Americans believe they’re entitled not simply to pursue happiness but to be happy. This breeds an “I deserve it” mentality and “whatever it takes” strategies to help them get or keep the things they think will make them happy.

But alongside our unalienable rights to pursue happiness are unalienable responsibilities to be good and decent people. There’s nothing wrong with wanting and going after money, possessions, power, or status provided we do so honorably. The deeper question is whether the pursuit of happiness is an adequate life goal.

Helen Keller said, “True happiness is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

The men who signed the Declaration of Independence weren’t simply pursuing happiness. Instead, they pledged their “lives, fortunes, and sacred honor” to establish a government based on moral principles. This took character. And character is what life is really about.

According to philosopher George Santayana, “Character is the basis of happiness, and happiness is the reward of character.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 6:01 PM | Permalink | Comment (8)

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built; not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter are not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comment (8)

Five birds are sitting on a telephone wire. Two decide to fly south. How many are left? Most people would say three. Actually, all five are left. You see, deciding to fly isn’t the same as doing it.

If a bird really wants to go somewhere, it’s got to point itself in the right direction, jump off the wire, flap its wings, and keep flapping until it gets there.

So it is with most things. Good intentions aren't enough. It’s not what we want, say, or think that makes things happen; it’s what we do.

I frequently think of writing thank-you, birthday, and congratulatory notes. Unfortunately, only a sad few of these good sentiments ever make it to paper. Still, if I don’t look too closely, I can delude myself into thinking that based on my good thoughts I’m a gracious and grateful person. A truer and less admirable picture of my character is drawn by my actions.

In the end, we either do or don’t do. We either make the time to do the things we want to and should do or we make excuses. As Alfred Adler said, “Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.”

What do you want to do? Do you want to take a course, change your job, lose weight, make new friends, or spend more time with and appreciate more the ones you have?

What’s stopping you from jumping off the wire and flapping your wings?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:17 AM | Permalink | Comment (3)