Justin’s Introduction to Candor 622.4
When my son Justin was in high school, I went to an open house to meet his teachers. I was taken aback when one casually mentioned that she had disciplined him for cheating on a homework assignment.
When I asked Justin why he hadn’t told me, he shrugged, “You didn’t ask.”
I was disappointed at his reaction to say the least. Surely he knew that in relationships of trust, candor – volunteering information you know the other person thinks is important – is part of honesty. He said he hadn’t lied. In fact, he was adamant that as long as he hadn’t done anything to purposely deceive me, he was being trustworthy.
Not so. Trustworthiness involves a good deal more than not lying. Trusting relationships create high mutual expectations, not only of truthfulness but of frankness and openness about important information.
That’s why parents owe candor to their kids on matters that affect their lives (moving, divorce, remarriage). And why kids owe parents candor on matters concerning their safety and education.
My son was grounded, but the next day he came home beaming with self-satisfaction. “My teacher said that if she knew you were going to treat it so seriously, she wouldn’t have told you!”
The teacher didn’t understand or care about her duty of candor to parents either. And she sure didn’t grasp the idea of supporting parental efforts to build character.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
What do you think of this commentary?
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Comments
While it is disappointing to discover your high school age child doesn't "get it" yet, it is appalling that the teacher doesn't either. The high school student is a teen. What's the teacher's excuse? I could understand the teacher's reaction if the boy had been beaten as punishment. That would have been far worse than cheating on a homework assignment. Otherwise, the teacher should have seen that the punishment fit the offense.
Posted by: stephanie | June 11, 2009 11:17 PM
Not telling his father was just the small part of Justin's untrustworthiness. Cheating in the first place was the more serious offense. For anyone caught cheating to proclaim they are trustworthy of anything related to that is laughable, isn't it? I'd chalk it up to teen ignorance except that the teacher didn't get it either.
Posted by: James | June 12, 2009 9:02 AM
Unfortunatly we do have many adults in our children's lives who do not have the same values that help build character. How sad that the teacher was more worried about the child being grounded than the lesson being taught.
Posted by: Becky | June 12, 2009 9:46 AM
I forwarded this to my brother who is a teacher. He is often exasperated by the attitudes of some teachers like the one in the story. My brother's attitude is that when children forget to bring a pencil to class, they have a problem. Just as in life, you have to learn to solve your problems. Asking the teacher for a pencil is only one of many possible solutions, so he often says no so they can explore other possible scenarios. Parents of students often criticize his techniques as being unhelpful, but in his teaching my brother is seeking to teach much more than any of the students or parents realize. My brother's comment on the actions of Justin's teacher was as follows:
"Thanks, Michael Josephson. In the CPA profession, it's
referred to as full disclosure."
Carter Hoag
7th Grade Pre-Algebra
Piute Middle School
Posted by: Diane Barnes | June 12, 2009 11:03 AM
Can anyone suggest an article, story or method to help teachers, school psychologists and others get this?
Posted by: susan | June 13, 2009 7:50 AM
Part of what makes a teacher effective is being able to establish a level of trust with his or her students. If the boy had done something really serious, by all means inform the parents. But in this case of cheating on a homework assignment (and you did say the teacher disciplined the student for the act), the teacher acted correctly. As a parent, I don't feel it is necessary for my son's teachers to tattle every indescretion to me. As a teacher myself, if you don't trust me to help affect the character of my students, then don't ask me to teach character education. Make up your mind.
Posted by: Peggy | June 17, 2009 12:57 PM
All the above....and as a high school teacher I am disappointed that a teacher would contradict the parent. We teach a lot of lessons in a year/semester/etc. Parents for a lifetime...they have earned our respect and I depend on their input about what is best for their child. I am glad I read this because it will help me be on guard when students turn to me when they question a parent’s decision.
Posted by: AW | June 18, 2009 8:11 AM