Needing Approval More Than Advice 620.1
No matter what Gary did, it was never enough to please his father. When he got seven A’s and three B’s, his dad asked about the B’s. When he described the wonderful girl he’d fallen in love with, he got a lecture cautioning that she may be different than he thought.
Gary’s dad was stunned and hurt when Gary took a job in another town. He tried to talk him out of it, explaining the advantages of being close to the family and the pitfalls of moving. Finally, Gary exploded, “Dad, I’m moving to get away from you! I love you, but I can’t stand the way you tear down everything I do.”
He braced himself for a counterattack, but for the first time in his life he saw his dad’s mask of confidence dissolve into vulnerability. With tears in his eyes, his dad stammered, “All I ever wanted was to make you better and help you reach your potential and avoid risks. It’s what I do. It’s why my business is so successful. Do you want me to ignore my experience and just be a cheerleader?”
“Dad, our relationship isn’t about productivity,” Gary explained. “You’re my dad. Sometimes I need praise more than a push, and approval more than advice. Constantly trying to make me better just makes me feel worse. It’s not enough that you love me. I need you to appreciate me.”
That’s an important lesson. In personal relationships, there may be benefits to the relentless pursuit of better, but the cost may be too high.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
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Comments
You have no idea how this commentary hits home, tears included. But in my case it was mom, and now it's . . . of little matter. Life continues!
Posted by: David | May 29, 2009 1:15 AM
My whole life, nothing I ever did was good enough. I don't recall a hug or an "I love you" my entire childhood. Valedictorian was just...to be expected.
Guilt and shame and disappointment leave lifelong scars. When I passed 40, my folks finally began to see, but by then there was no point in it. Never getting the needed support and approval cannot be made up for at some distant future time.
Posted by: Mary | May 30, 2009 1:03 PM
The two replies above indicate it is too late. I argue it is never too late, and the only persons who can change it are David and Mary. My problem was my parents never pushed me to be anything or do anything. Everything I have is because I have worked for it for me. It took a long time for me to forgive them. It's time for David and Mary to forgive their parents, but mostly themselves because now their parents need their support, unless they are gone from this life. Otherwise, think about it and do it. You'll be glad you did.
Posted by: Roy | June 1, 2009 1:30 PM
I know the feeling of never being good enough. Unfortunately, I got it from my parents and currently my husband of 25 years. I often wonder is it too much to ask to just be yourself? I just wish my family would accept me for me. That's all, just to be me. Not a bad person, just the authentic me.
Posted by: Gisele | June 3, 2009 9:18 AM
I read this and wondered if the parent was me, constantly pushing my teenage son to do better (almost Eagle scout, honor roll in high school, leader in church youth group, etc). I do spend a lot of my time encouraging all of my children to do their best. Is it too much to push your already outstanding child to get even better grades because you know they are capable? Should we insist on kids doing their best work always or leave them to their own devices because it's their life? It's a difficult tightrope to walk--you want your kids to succeed but not to despise you in the end. Fourteen/fifteen/sixteen-year-olds may not know what they need to do now to have the best chance at success in the future. I know a lot of adults who have told me "I wish my parents made me work harder, get better grades, study music more." I guess it's all in the message: Expect their best while supporting them and make sure they know they are loved and appreciated.
Posted by: Rose | June 3, 2009 11:00 AM