Let the Butterfly Struggle 618.2
There’s a parable about a mother who discovered a butterfly struggling mightily to escape its cocoon through a tiny opening at the top. She became concerned when the creature seemed to give up after making no progress. Certain that the butterfly wouldn’t make it out without help, she enlarged the hole.
On its next try, the butterfly wriggled out easily. But the young woman’s joy turned to horror when she saw its wings were shriveled and useless. Her well-intentioned intervention had interrupted a natural process. Forcing the butterfly to squeeze though a small opening is nature’s way of assuring that blood from the creature’s body is pushed into the wings. By making it easier, she deprived the butterfly of strong wings.
Childhood, too, is a sort of cocoon. If a healthy adult is to emerge, parents must allow, even encourage, their children to struggle, make mistakes, learn from them, and pay the price for bad judgments and conduct.
Of course, good parents should protect their children from serious harm, but being overprotective can itself inflict damage. Adversity is not always an enemy. Teaching can help a young person develop wings strengthened by self-confidence and self-reliance.
Helen Keller once said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
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Comments
Just as it is important not to interrupt the natural process of learning by rushing to rescue or provide answers, it is also important to allow natural consequences to teach. Then, when they are at the stage when they need to begin to learn to fly, like the eagle, we need to make the nest uncomfortable so that finally soaring to new heights and building their own nest looks more comfortable than returning home to yours.
Posted by: Theresa Mago | May 15, 2009 7:28 AM
I can't help but be reminded of our own government's well-meaning but misguided attempts to void contracts (credit card, mortgage) on behalf of some of its citizens and otherwise bail out irresponsible behavior. How can we expect more if we remove the circumstances that develop strength and incentive to be mature?
Posted by: Brandon | May 15, 2009 7:49 AM
My husband and I resolutely allowed our two daughters to suffer consequences, knowing the experiences would become defining moments in their lives. An example that captures this is when our 21-year-old was in seventh grade. She had signed my name to her agenda for a few weeks, and I discovered this. She and I went to the assistant principal the next morning and she told what she had done, completely shamed. The worst part for her was spending a day in Saturday school accomplishing nothing. This Mother's Day she wrote me the kindest, heartwarming card giving me credit for the person she's become. I can attest that allowing children to suffer consequences helps them become people of character and integrity.
Posted by: Toni Herr | May 15, 2009 8:01 AM
I am long familiar with this story and have done my level best to try and let my children struggle to help them mature. I am totally in agreement with the first three comments posted here and just gave that final nudge to my youngest a few weeks ago. Sadly, just like what our government seems to be doing - bailing out poor choices - parents often do the same. I know too many parents with twentysomethings, even some with thirtysomethings, sitting at home and never learning to fly. I feel very sorry for some of them who are literally captive to their own adult children when they should be enjoying a second honeymoon!
We are their parents, not their friends. While I earnestly looked forward to being alone again with my wife of 32 years, the best part when my youngest left the nest was a sense of accomplishment; we helped raise an adult citizen in his own right.
Posted by: Eric | May 15, 2009 1:49 PM
My oldest daughter, who's now 35, kept the whole family in turmoil during her teen years. I talked and talked, never knowing if she heard anything I said. When, out of desperation, I told her she was on her own at the next court hearing, she realized Mom was serious this time. It wasn't all smooth-sailing, but we made it. I now have three beautiful grandchildren from her. What's even more amazing is when I hear some of those words that I didn't think she heard coming out of her mouth. No matter how much we want to protect them, children have to know there are consequences for everything. We just hope we've taught them that they can
handle anything.
Posted by: Mary | May 18, 2009 12:05 PM