Forgiving Without Condoning or Forgetting 590.2
I suspect all of us have been hurt in deep and lasting ways by the words or acts of another. It’s normal in such situations to feel hostility toward, be angry with, and make negative judgments about the person who hurt us. If we continue to think we were right to be offended, we may carry the hurt and resentment in the form of a grudge. Usually this causes more unhappiness for us than the person we’re mad at.
Some religions speak of forgiveness as a moral duty, others simply as a worthy virtue. Still others impose preconditions on the wrongdoers before they’re entitled to be forgiven. Whatever your religious views, psychologists say the ability to forgive is closely correlated to happiness and mental health.
Some people refuse to even entertain the idea of forgiveness because they don’t think the person they resent deserves to be forgiven. Others don’t want to appear to condone or excuse the conduct and certainly don’t want to reconcile with the person.
The essence of forgiveness is a voluntary decision to abandon continuing resentment, to let go of anger, to move on. It doesn’t require or imply condoning, excusing, or forgetting. Nor does it require that the forgiver re-establish a relationship with the wrongdoer.
According to Dr. Ben Dean, the capacity to forgive is related to the character strength of empathy. People who can empathize with an offender and see things from that person’s perspective are better able to forgive. He also says that the older we get, the more forgiving we’re likely to become. Hmmm. We usually get wiser, too. So maybe it’s wise to forgive.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Comments
I love your advice about forgiveness. The fact that forgiveness doesn't mean condoning, excusing, or forgetting is reassuring.
Perhaps some people don't forgive because there's a satisfying feeling in recycling our hurts. When we get absorbed in these thoughts, we develop a habit that takes effort to break. Breaking the habit of self-pity over hurts takes awareness and commitment, which leads to character.
Jean Tracy, MSS
www.KidsDiscuss.com
Posted by: Jean Tracy, MSS | October 27, 2008 10:53 AM
I agree with this because it's a matter of do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? (As Dr. Phil would say). It's true that holding on to the anger only hurts you, not the other person.
Posted by: Carol Swanburg | October 31, 2008 4:34 AM
The power of forgiveness is immense as was demonstrated to me in 1998 when my father was dying of cancer. During a routine phone call to my ex wife, I asked her a favor. I knew this would be the last birthday my father would ever celebrate and I asked her if she would take a minute to call him and wish him well.
About an hour later, my mom called me and explained how remarkable their conversation had become. The talk was quick and simple, but as my father thanked her for the call, tears welled up in his eyes. "Thank you for calling me. You have no idea how much it means to me," he stated as he got ready to hang up. He sat there for a few minutes crying and clutching the phone with a slight smile on his face. He then looked at my mom and smiled greatly and said, "I'm so glad she called. Now I have forgiven everyone in my life. I can die happy."
Posted by: Clint Chandler | October 31, 2008 7:58 AM
Aren't there some things that are unforgivable? Maybe we can move on and maybe the consequences are so serious and the suffering so severe that it is extremely hard to see any positive coming from the very selfish choices of others. Doesn't the word forgiveness let the perpetrator off the hook and let some things happen again because they were forgiven?
Posted by: lee | November 1, 2008 3:54 PM
Forgiveness means letting go of being a victim and moving on from victimhood. It does not mean condoning or forgetting but it signals a change in consciousness and self-efficacy.
Posted by: Carol Dillard | November 11, 2008 12:13 PM