As our four daughters get older, their sibling quarrelling and bickering occurs more often, frequently followed by grudging apologies usually uttered to avoid or mitigate punishment rather than as sincere expressions of sorrow.

I’ve been thinking about the true purpose, meaning, and value of apologies as they play such a major role in the just completed High Holy Day called Yom Kippur.

This solemn Day of Atonement involves a lot more than confessing sins and saying, “I’m sorry.” The religious obligation is to reflect, repent, and repair.

The duty to reflect requires an honest, unflinching assessment of our conduct to identify instances of commission and omission when we were dishonest, unkind, selfish, unfair, disrespectful, or irresponsible.

Next, we must repent, moving from the domain of the mind (recognizing our moral shortcomings) to the domain of our emotions and conscience. To repent is to feel sorry, to regret our actions in a meaningful way, to be fully and truly accountable for our actions, and to refuse to dilute moral responsibility by blaming others for their part in our failures.

Finally, we must seek to repair the damage we’ve done. In many cases, this involves letting go of grudges and self-justifications and making authentic efforts to rebuild damaged relationships and heal hurt feelings. It also involves making a real, serious, and credible commitment not to do it again.

In the end, this process is not about the past but the future. It’s about our moral duty toward continuous self-improvement in the quest to be worthy, to become a person of exemplary virtue, a mensch.

Meaningful apologies are not about making our lives better but about helping us become better.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.