It’s a sad and sobering fact that as I get older, attending funerals of dear friends and relatives become an ever more frequent part of my life.

I spent a recent birthday in Detroit at the funeral of my Uncle Marvin, a gentle, generous, modest man described by all as a mensch – a person of extraordinary character.

It’s been said that “If you want to know how to live your life, think about what you want people to say about you after you die – and live backward.” Uncle Marvin seemed to do that, and he would have been pleased by the things people said about him.

Although it’s heartwarming to hear words of tribute for a life well lived, I confess I feel a profound sense of loss and foreboding when I’m forced to face the fact that people I care about have left and will never come back.

In one of my poems, I acknowledge that “Some day it will all come to an end; there will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, or days.” I can’t get my mind around the idea that there will be a day when my life will not be measured by moments but by memories. And it chills me to contemplate not being able to caress, counsel, or comfort my wife and children. Far worse is any thought of the grief they may suffer when I leave them.

Yet I know I must accept what I cannot change. Although it doesn’t feel like enough, I find some consolation knowing I’m striving daily to live my life as fully as I can and will not squander any opportunity to express my love and appreciate the love I’m lucky enough to receive.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

* On the topic of death and tributes, how can one do better than Shakespeare’s Juliet who expressed her adoration of Romeo thusly:

Come, gentle night,
Come, loving, black-browed night.
Give me my Romeo,
And when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of Heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:37 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (2)

As always, Election Day tests our citizenship. There are plenty of excuses for apathy, cynicism, and laziness, but they’re just excuses. Many people hide behind the perennial “I don’t like any of the candidates.” Whether you like your choices or not, you have a choice. Abdicating the opportunity only gives more power to special interests.

Another popular theme is “My vote doesn’t matter.” Other citizens would prefer to be on call (“Call me only if my vote will break a tie”). It’s arrogant egotism to refuse to participate unless you’re assured your personal vote will determine the outcome.

The truth is, few elections in America are decided by one vote, and surely the republic will survive without yours. For that matter, it won’t affect our economy if you don’t pay taxes, and what you give to charity may be inconsequential. And don’t worry about littering or polluting either. There’s no way the harm you do could seriously impact the environment.

You shouldn’t vote because it might make the difference. You should vote because it probably won’t.

You should vote because in a democracy on Election Day all citizens are public officials, and it’s your duty to do your share.

By participating, you teach your children and neighbors to accept rather than evade civic responsibilities. That lesson could be as important as the outcome of the election.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you to vote because character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:41 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (2)

I’ve talked about it lots of times before: The high cost of lying and deception by politicians, police, corporate executives, clergy, journalists, accountants, and educators has weakened every major social institution.

As each of these domains wages its separate battle to remove the cloud of suspicion and cynicism that hovers over it, there are six truths about trust that must be understood and dealt with.

First, there is no shortcut to building trust. Rebuilding it on the rubble of lost credibility is much harder. The antidote is nothing less than scrupulous and consistent honesty – especially when the truth is costly.

Second, where trust is important, there are no small lies. Falsehoods, however small they seem, are like germs. Without the antibody of trust, they cause infections that can kill credibility.

Third, the lethal quality of lies lasts long after they’re told. Lies told years ago have an immediate poisonous effect on trust when they’re discovered. Think of all the prominent people who’ve been undone by the discovery of trumped-up old resumes.

Fourth, while honesty and forthrightness don’t always pay, dishonesty and concealment always cost. It’s true that in some settings nothing good may come of admitting wrongdoing, but it gets a lot worse when you don’t.

Fifth, lies breed other lies. It’s harder to tell just one lie than to have just one potato chip. Once you start deceiving, it takes more and more bodyguards of new lies to protect the old ones.

Finally, don’t be seduced by the “I’m just fighting fire with fire” excuse or all you’ll end up with is the ashes of your integrity. Self-justifications aside, you can’t lie to a liar or cheat a cheater without becoming a liar or a cheater.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:44 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (3)

Years ago, a listener told me her mom died leaving only a general will and a house full of personal items with sentimental and, in some cases, significant financial value. My listener said tensions were building among her and her two sisters as they approached the problem of allocating their mom’s stuff.

Each sister had different and conflicting expectations. The eldest believed her mom wanted her to have first choice of items. The middle sister was the major caregiver, and their mom had said, “I want you to have anything you want.” The youngest daughter said mom promised certain important items to her to give to the grandchildren.

None of the sisters was greedy, and no one wanted to fight over mom’s things, but emotions were strong. Each was willing to surrender her claim, but could they do so without hard feelings? Unfortunately, this situation is not uncommon.

• First, the daughters should talk openly and agree that their relationships with each other are worth more than belongings.

• Second, they should promise not to say or do anything that their mom would disapprove of or that would sully their memory of her.

• Third, each sister must choose to let go of her expectations and claims as if all items were destroyed in a fire.

• Finally, they should find creative ways to divide the property without winners or losers. They might draw lots to establish a sequence of choices. Or certain important items could rotate annually among them. If some things are too encumbered with emotional claims, they should be sold or given to someone else.

What’s vital is that everyone remember that things are just things. It’s love and memories that have real and lasting value.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:31 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (0)

I suspect all of us have been hurt in deep and lasting ways by the words or acts of another. It’s normal in such situations to feel hostility toward, be angry with, and make negative judgments about the person who hurt us. If we continue to think we were right to be offended, we may carry the hurt and resentment in the form of a grudge. Usually this causes more unhappiness for us than the person we’re mad at.

Some religions speak of forgiveness as a moral duty, others simply as a worthy virtue. Still others impose preconditions on the wrongdoers before they’re entitled to be forgiven. Whatever your religious views, psychologists say the ability to forgive is closely correlated to happiness and mental health.

Some people refuse to even entertain the idea of forgiveness because they don’t think the person they resent deserves to be forgiven. Others don’t want to appear to condone or excuse the conduct and certainly don’t want to reconcile with the person.

The essence of forgiveness is a voluntary decision to abandon continuing resentment, to let go of anger, to move on. It doesn’t require or imply condoning, excusing, or forgetting. Nor does it require that the forgiver re-establish a relationship with the wrongdoer.

According to Dr. Ben Dean, the capacity to forgive is related to the character strength of empathy. People who can empathize with an offender and see things from that person’s perspective are better able to forgive. He also says that the older we get, the more forgiving we’re likely to become. Hmmm. We usually get wiser, too. So maybe it’s wise to forgive.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:44 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (5)

According to legend, a Russian countess was driven to the theater by her coach on a bitterly cold evening. To be sure she wouldn’t have to wait afterward, she ordered the driver and footman to remain outside until she returned.

She cried during the play when a loyal servant was being mistreated by an uncaring lord. When the performance ended, it was snowing heavily outside and a small crowd had gathered around her carriage. She demanded to know what was going on. The driver fearfully told her that the old footman had frozen to death. The lady was appalled.

How could a sensitive woman who cried at the plight of fictional characters be so callous about the comfort and safety of her own servants?

Sometimes people see only what they want to see and know only what they want to know. It’s a form of willful blindness that afflicts many of us who profess grand principles of caring and respect but ignore them when we deal with people in our own lives.

I’ve seen parents who want their children to be happy, self-confident, and honest, yet brutalize their kids with relentless criticism and confuse them by cheating on their taxes or lying to get them into better schools.

Sometimes well-intentioned coaches ignore injuries, emotionally abuse young athletes, or work them as if they were in a slave-labor camp – all the while convincing themselves it’s for the athletes’ own good.

And I’ve worked with executives in companies who advocate employee well-being and family values but who look the other way when employees, either out of fear or the desire to please, work excessively long hours and neglect their families, causing stress and domestic conflict.

We all have moral blind spots. The challenge is to have the humility to find them and the character to fix them.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (1)

Ever since 1993, the U.S. Senate and the president have proclaimed the third week in October National CHARACTER COUNTS! Week. Despite toxic levels of partisanship on every imaginable issue, it is notable that this resolution has continued with bipartisan support in both Democratic and Republican Administrations.

CHARACTER COUNTS! has grown into a school- and sports-based initiative that involves more than 7 million young people and their families. This week, more than 15,000 organizations are expressing commitment to repairing the hole in our moral ozone in their own unique ways. Some will have assemblies or parades featuring kids who have shown exemplary character. Others will award prizes for essays or engage in community-service projects.

But is all this activity that is designed to teach youngsters about the nature and importance of virtue and good character an encouraging sign that our society is tired of the ethical flabbiness of our country, or is it a cruel irony proving nothing more than our willingness to tell our children to do as we say, not as we do?

How can we say character counts as we struggle with a financial catastrophe caused by staggering greed and irresponsibility and as we observe a continually degrading presidential campaign where both sides have broken promises and made vows they can’t keep, distorted the positions of their opponents, and engaged in shameless name-calling and pandering for votes?

My view is that every time we see the disastrous results of unprincipled, selfish, and short-sighted decision-making, we prove that character counts and that we need to restore our confidence in the proposition.

Those who teach and celebrate the importance of character are part of the solution; those who give up hope are part of the problem.

To learn more on ways you can be part of the solution, visit www.charactercounts.org.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:51 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (1)

As our four daughters get older, their sibling quarrelling and bickering occurs more often, frequently followed by grudging apologies usually uttered to avoid or mitigate punishment rather than as sincere expressions of sorrow.

I’ve been thinking about the true purpose, meaning, and value of apologies as they play such a major role in the just completed High Holy Day called Yom Kippur.

This solemn Day of Atonement involves a lot more than confessing sins and saying, “I’m sorry.” The religious obligation is to reflect, repent, and repair.

The duty to reflect requires an honest, unflinching assessment of our conduct to identify instances of commission and omission when we were dishonest, unkind, selfish, unfair, disrespectful, or irresponsible.

Next, we must repent, moving from the domain of the mind (recognizing our moral shortcomings) to the domain of our emotions and conscience. To repent is to feel sorry, to regret our actions in a meaningful way, to be fully and truly accountable for our actions, and to refuse to dilute moral responsibility by blaming others for their part in our failures.

Finally, we must seek to repair the damage we’ve done. In many cases, this involves letting go of grudges and self-justifications and making authentic efforts to rebuild damaged relationships and heal hurt feelings. It also involves making a real, serious, and credible commitment not to do it again.

In the end, this process is not about the past but the future. It’s about our moral duty toward continuous self-improvement in the quest to be worthy, to become a person of exemplary virtue, a mensch.

Meaningful apologies are not about making our lives better but about helping us become better.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (1)

When we think about character, we tend to think about big things like taking risks, acting with integrity, displaying generosity, or exhibiting self-sacrifice. These noble choices indicate character, but for the most part our character is revealed in much smaller events like apologizing when we’re wrong, giving to causes we believe in, being honest when it’s embarrassing, and returning shopping carts.

One of my favorite stories is about a father who asked his son to return a cart they had just used. The son protested, “C’mon, Dad, there are carts all over. No one returns them. That’s why they hire people to collect them.”

After a short argument, Mom chimed in, “For heaven’s sake, it’s no big deal. Let’s go.”

Dad was about to surrender when he saw an elderly couple walking together to return their cart. After a moment, he said, “Son, there are two kinds of people in this world: those who put their carts away and those who don’t. We’re the kind who return their shopping cart. Now go put it back.”

This story isn’t just about grocery carts. It’s about doing the right thing in a world that seems to promote rationalizations and excuses that demean or trivialize simple acts of virtue. There are two kinds of people: those who find the strength to do what they ought to and those who find excuses not to.

People of character do the right thing even if no one else does, not because they think it will change the world but because they refuse to be changed by the world.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 11:18 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (7)

Blessed with the opportunities and obligations of raising four young daughters, my wife Anne and I are profoundly aware of the importance of instilling good values that will help them become capable, honorable, and happy adults.

I think we’re doing a pretty good job, but we know that isn’t enough. We’re worried about the values and character of other kids who may befriend, date, or marry our girls. And we worry about what our kids will learn in classrooms, playgrounds, and sports fields about things like honesty and honor, respect and responsibility, kindness and compassion, and service and self-discipline.

Although conscientious parents attentive to the moral education of their children can do a great deal to lay a solid foundation of positive values, the lessons taught at home can be either reinforced or undermined by teachers, coaches, and others who interact with their children.

Sure, I want my kids to be smart and successful, but that’s not enough. As Teddy Roosevelt said, “To educate a person in the mind but not the morals is to educate a menace to society.”

That’s why I’m such an ardent advocate of purposeful and pervasive character education. I want all adults who help shape the attitudes and habits of my children to consciously and competently teach, enforce, advocate, and model positive character traits like trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, and citizenship – the Six Pillars of Character.

Since this is National CHARACTER COUNTS! Week, it’s a great opportunity for you to consider whether schools in your area, or organizations you’re involved with, could be more directly involved in this vital effort.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:55 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (5)

A master carpenter who worked for the same builder for nearly 50 years announced he wanted to retire. The builder told him how much he appreciated his work. He gave the carpenter a $5,000 bonus and asked him if he would build just one more house. The builder owned a magnificent lot with a spectacular view, and said he wanted to build a dream home there.

The carpenter was bitterly disappointed at the small bonus, but his last building fee would help him buy a small cottage, so he agreed to build the dream house.

The carpenter had always prided himself on his uncompromising commitment to quality, but resentment over this last job caused him to cut corners, ignore details, and accept shoddy workmanship from other workers. He even looked the other way when some of them substituted cheaper materials and pocketed the difference.

When the house was finished, the builder shook the carpenter’s hand and with a huge smile gave him an envelope with a thank-you card and a folded piece of paper. The carpenter was disdainful – until he unfolded the paper and found the deed to the house he had just built.

The carpenter was ashamed to have misjudged his old friend and betrayed his own values, and he was remorseful that the house he would live in for the rest of his life had been made so carelessly.

Our character is the house we live in and it’s built piece by piece by our daily choices. Deceit, irresponsibility, and disrespect are like shoddy workmanship. Whenever we put in less than our best and ignore our potential for excellence, we create a future full of creaky floors, leaky roofs, and crumbling foundations.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:37 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (1)

One of the marks of our species is our limitless capacity to learn. Sometimes we learn how to do something we’ve never done before. Sometimes we learn facts about the world, about other people, and about ourselves. This can make us smarter and more skillful. But what’s really important are the things that make us wiser, our learned beliefs about what works and what doesn’t, what leads to happiness and fulfillment.

It’s a tradition in many Jewish families for parents to pass on these life lessons in an “ethical will.” The document, often in the form of a letter, is a kind of spiritual and intellectual autobiography that can be a treasured memento to future generations. In addition, the experience of putting nuggets of hard-earned wisdom into words can be enormously uplifting and gratifying. There’s no prescribed format, but an easy way is to complete the sentence: “I’ve learned that ________” or “I believe that _________.”

Once you start thinking of all the valuable things you’ve learned, you’re likely to unleash a flood of thoughts. To help you identify and sort through what’s important, it can help to state your insights and beliefs in relation to 12 key topics:

1. Religion, faith, and spirituality
2. Personal integrity, character, and ethics
3. Marriage and family relationships
4. Friendship and other relationships
5. Money and material possessions
6. Success and failure
7. Education and experience
8. Personal responsibility
9. Attitude
10. Charity and service
11. Drinking and drugs
12. Sex

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:44 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (1)

After winning a big game, it’s common for athletes and fans to chant, “We’re number one!” in a classless display of self-praise that comes off as conceit and disrespectful taunting.

I sometimes feel that way about praising America. Still, national pride is important. Reminders about the high principles on which this nation was based are essential to keep our idealism alive.

A listener once sent me an essay commenting on a report that someone in Pakistan had offered a reward to anyone who killed an American. To tell potential assassins what to look for, the unidentified author wrote that it’s hard to identify Americans because they’re of every nationality and religion. In fact, he said, “there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they’re free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that, he will answer only to God, not to the government or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.”

This is a legacy of freedom we have a right to be proud of. We also can be proud that despite vibrant rhetoric, no other country gives as much or as often to aid the poor and oppressed, including to those in Afghanistan.

We shouldn’t boast or brag or claim superiority. After all, what we do is often in our self-interest. But we should embrace for all to see the ideals that lead us to what Lincoln called “our better angels.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:51 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (6)

According to Henry David Thoreau, a philosopher seeks to understand and solve the most serious problems of life, not only theoretically but practically. A true philosopher, Thoreau added, is so committed to wisdom that he seeks to live wisely and so lives a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity, and trust.

By this definition, John Wooden, my favorite coach and teacher, is every inch a great American philosopher. Here are just a few of his powerful insights:

On Perfection: "Perfection is an impossibility, but striving for perfection is not. Do the best you can. That is what counts."

On Management: "You'll get better cooperation and results if you're sincerely interested in people's families and interests, not in simply how they do their job."

On Learning: "Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow."

On Success: "You must be interested in finding the best way, not in having your own way."

On Trust: "You will be hurt occasionally if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."

On Joy: "Mix idealism with realism and add hard work. This will often bring much more than you could ever hope for."

On Winning: "If you prepare properly, you may be outscored but you will never lose. You always win when you make the full effort to do the best of which you're capable."

You can read more in Be Quick -- But Don't Hurry! with Andrew Hill and in Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court with Steve Jamison.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:27 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (3)

T.S. Eliot said, “Half of the harm done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They do not mean to do harm…they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.” So how do we feel important?

Often, it’s trying to fit an image of success created by a culture that prizes getting ahead in terms of money and career. Think how much more integrity there would be if we really understood how futile it is to pursue the empty vessel of prosperity.

In Death of Ethics in America, Cal Thomas quotes a letter written to The Washington Post in the mid-’80s: “I’ve lived both lives, Yuppie and non-Yuppie,” the writer said. “In the first, I was married to a professional woman and on our dual incomes we Club Meded, sports car-raced, alpine-skied, and Kennedy Centered our 14-year marriage into oblivion. I’m now 42, remarried to a woman who gave up her professional career to provide full-time care for our 1- and 5-year-old daughters, and living in Gaithersburg, Maryland – on one salary.

“Trips to Australia and Europe, Saturday night dining at Nathan’s, and Wolf Trap concerts are distant memories. Vacations are now taken in our nine-year-old used pop-up camper, and dining out means ‘Hooray! Daddy’s bringing home pizza.’ We’ve just started into the second round of one hundred readings of Pat the Bunny for our 1-year-old. Satisfaction level in my first life measured 2 on the 10 scale. Measured now, satisfaction is about 9.5.”

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:18 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (3)

Former President Jimmy Carter was 70 years old when he wrote this poem about his father:

This is a pain I mostly hide,
But ties of blood or seed endure.
And even now I feel inside
The hunger for his outstretched hand.
A man's embrace to take me in,
The need for just a word of praise.

Isn't it extraordinary that even after a life of monumental achievements, President Carter still feels pain when he thinks of his father, who either could not feel or would not express love and approval? Unfortunately, there are lots of people in his shoes, left with bitter feelings and enduring wounds inflicted by their parents.

Yet not all bad parents are bad people. Caring parents can unintentionally injure children through excessive harshness or permissiveness or through well-intended criticism and advice that comes out as relentless disapproval or oppressive negativity. Kids not only need to know they're loved, they need to feel worthy of our love. They need to be valued not simply because they're ours, but because of who they are.

It's never too late to try to fix whatever's broken:

• Express caring, pride, and approval more lavishly and often.
• Be less critical, more helpful, less controlling.
• Set aside your need to be right.
• Be less self-righteous and more respectful toward those you love.
• Be sincerely accountable and genuinely apologize, even if it's not enough.

It's not always possible to fix things that are broken, but it's worth a try.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:38 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (2)

Think of the most ethical person you know. Do a lot of people come to mind or only a few? Are you having trouble thinking of anyone?

If I asked that question of the people who know you well, how many would name you? Almost all? About half? Just a few? And do you care?

Unless this commentary makes you more humble, you’ll probably be among the majority who believe half or more of the people they know would think of them as their ethical role model. That’s highly unlikely. It’s more probable that almost no one would put you at the top of his or her list. Let’s face it, that’s a tough roster to get on.

Other surveys show about 95 percent of us want others to think of us as highly ethical, so our delusion of grandeur regarding our moral reputation is probably a case of wishful thinking. But wishful thinking won’t do it.

I wish I were thin. Unfortunately, my ambition won’t change my waist size. For me, thinness will be an elusive dream until I convert my desire to actions: exercising regularly and eating moderately.

It’s the same with being ethical. Most of us suffer from moral flabbiness. This doesn’t mean we’re bad; it suggests we can be better. What we need is a “Be a Better Person” fitness program to tone up our character and strengthen our ethics. Just like working on our waist, hips, or arms, we could work on our honesty, fairness, and responsibility.

Who knows? If you really work at it, you could even make that list.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you to stay ethically fit because character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:46 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (2)

Yom Kippur, the highest of the high holy days in the Jewish religion, is a day of fasting, reflection, and atonement intended to help believers better understand and live up to the moral expectations of God.

It’s a day to take an unflinching look at past conduct and to hold oneself accountable. In order to clean the slate for a New Year and a new opportunity to improve our character, Jews are expected to repent and seek forgiveness not only from God but from all individuals they wronged in the past year.

But asking is not enough. We must confront those we’ve injured, acknowledge the wrongdoing, and personally ask forgiveness. In some cases, reparations may be required. When this process is completed properly, offended parties are morally obligated to forgive the offenders. Continuing to hold a grudge is not permitted.

It’s a sound and sensible strategy for strengthening character and repairing damaged relationships. But it’s very hard to do. You don’t have to be Jewish to try it. If you can overcome your own ego and let go of self-serving justifications and rationalizations, you most certainly can improve your life.

In one sense, the holiday reflects a kind of cynicism about human nature. It’s a yearly ritual that assumes everyone has done something to atone for and, despite good intentions, will do so again.

Yet in the unyielding demand for reflection, contrition, and self-improvement, there’s an uplifting sense of optimism about our capacity to be good, or at least better this year than we were last year. The ultimate goal is to be a person of exemplary virtue, a mensch.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:30 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (0)

A frazzled mother with a fussy child caught the eye of a grocery store manager. He overheard her say, “Lily, you can do this. We just have to get a few things.”

Moments later, when the child became more upset, the mother said calmly, “It’s okay, Lily. We’re almost done.”

When the child became hysterical in the checkout line, the mom took a deep breath and said, “Lily, just hold it together for a few more minutes.”

As she was leaving, the store manager stopped her. “I just wanted to compliment you on how remarkably calm and patient you were with little Lily.”

The mother laughed. “Well, thank you, but my baby’s name is Lisa. I’m Lily. I was just holding it together for myself.”

Self-control is a virtue that doesn’t come easily. This mother had to work on it, talking herself through each challenge. According to Dr. Daniel Goleman, controlling impulses like frustration and anger is a crucial aspect of character that he calls “emotional intelligence.” In fact, he says, “Those who are at the mercy of impulse – who lack self-control – suffer a moral deficiency.”

The good news is, this deficiency in self-control can be cured by continuous efforts to identify and overcome negative emotions with rational thought. Although most of us experience negative emotions, inducing us to express anger, give in to frustration, or surrender to temptation, self-control is well within our power. We may not be able to suppress all our emotions and reactions, but we can dictate what we say and do. And whether we’ll allow negative feelings to dominate us.

It’s hard work to harness powerful impulses and redirect our thoughts toward positive attitudes, but those who do live happier lives in a happier world.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (3)

As Greg paces the floor at night, waiting for his 17-year-old daughter Sandy to return from a school event from which she’s two hours late, he feels conflicting emotions: fear and anger. Fear that something may have happened to her. Anger because she’s probably not hurt, simply irresponsible.

Finally, Sandy calls. She’s all right. She just lost track of time. Greg’s fear disappears, but his anger grows.

The love that motivated his worry is overwhelmed by a growing sense of outrage. He begins to rehearse what he’ll say and what punishment he’ll inflict. Unless he intercepts his anger, it can easily turn to rage, an emotion likely to produce foolishly impulsive conduct that’s likely to alienate Sandy and widen the rift between them.

Here’s the character challenge: Can Greg stop his runaway train of anger long enough to think about his objectives? His immediate goals are to vent his fury and frustration and teach Sandy a lesson. His long-term goals are to strengthen – not weaken – his relationship with his daughter and help her become more responsible and respectful.

If Greg stops and thinks about his broader goals, he’ll want to turn this event into a positive teaching moment. To do that, he’ll have to choose his words and tone carefully.

Good managers don’t yell at or demean employees because it would be ineffective and unethical. Parents have no less of a duty to be tactful and respectful when dealing with their children.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (1)

Today, Socrates is thought of as one of the world’s great philosophers, but to the leaders of Greece he was considered annoying and dangerous.

Claiming “the unexamined life is not worth living,” he roamed the public places of Athens asking relentless questions that challenged assumptions and beliefs and demanded that people think about social justice and personal worthiness.

“My friend,” he would ask, “are you not embarrassed by caring so much for money, fame, and reputation, and not thinking of wisdom and truth and how to make your character as good as possible?” Socrates wasn’t trying to make people feel bad; he was encouraging them to be better.

In the end, he was sentenced to death for his subversive ideas. He refused an opportunity to escape since it would violate his principles.

Socrates was an optimist about human nature. He believed wickedness is the result of ignorance and those with true knowledge will act rightly. Socrates’s question about priorities is relevant today, yet it takes courage and integrity to examine our motivations and goals and to measure our attitudes and conduct in relation to our principles.

Are you trying to make your character as good as possible?
Are you as honest as you should be?
Do you treat everyone with respect, even those you don’t like?
Are you accepting responsibility for your choices?
Are you fair?
Are you doing what you can charitably?
Are you doing your share as good citizens?

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:43 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (3)

Long ago when I was a law professor, I was at a conference and a man I didn’t recognize greeted me warmly. He said he wanted to thank me for changing his life.

I was embarrassed as I listened to him tell me he had met me after a speech I had given at his law school. He said he had been discouraged and disheartened about ever becoming a lawyer and that he was ready to quit. But I had counseled him and he had decided to stick it out.

He said he had been looking for me so he could tell me personally that not only had he graduated but had just become the nation’s first Mexican-American law school dean.

His decision to seek me out to share the story was a generous and much-appreciated gift I’ll never forget. But his description did not ignite my memory, and I felt shallow and ashamed.

Here this fellow was expressing deep gratitude for something I could not recall. I only began to forgive myself when I realized I didn’t remember the incident because I engaged in this sort of discussion with students often, and this conversation was not extraordinary for me. That’s what teachers are supposed to do: share their knowledge, provide alternative perspectives, and offer encouragement and inspiration.

Teachable moments often arise unannounced and unnoticed. Teachers and parents never know what will be remembered and what will be forgotten. But if we want to have an occasional lasting impact, we have to have faith that at least some of the things we say will really matter. And since we can’t always know what those things are, we have to presume that everything we say will matter.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:38 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (2)

Years ago, Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben told the story of a little girl who learned to tie her shoes for the first time. After a moment of triumphant celebration, she got sad, almost despondent. Her mystified parents asked why she wasn’t happier. The little girl acknowledged that she was proud of her achievement, but she sobbed, “Now I’ll have to tie my own shoes for the rest of my life!”

The rabbi deftly related this story to the central theme of the High Holy Days: a lifelong commitment to reflection and the pursuit of perfection of our character. Once we learn that we have a moral duty to choose right from wrong, it’s like saying, “Now I have to be good for the rest of my life!”

What a bummer! It’s like accepting the need to follow a no-exceptions healthy diet forever. Well, maybe it’s not quite that bad.

Most theologians agree that God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, and we should not expect that of ourselves.

There’s room for moments of self-indulgence and occasional lapses in judgment or will. That’s why forgiveness is so important in all major religions. Christians, Jews, and Muslims share a common belief that all humans are works-in-progress and that self-reflection, repentance, and resolve are critical to personal reform.

We should, however, strive toward perfection and exercise our free will in the direction of goodness.

The challenge for those who want to be better is to find a happy medium between being too hard on ourselves and being too easy. At one extreme are self-hate, self-contempt, and a sense of hopelessness; at the other are self-satisfaction, self-righteousness, and complacency.

The key is to do our best, to care about and devote conscious energy to continuous self-improvement.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Posted by Josephson Institute Editor at 9:36 AM | Permalink | Leave a Comment (2)