That’s Just the Way I Am 585.3
“That’s just the way I am.”
When we hear this, someone is usually telling us, “Get off my back” or “Accept me as I am.” Often it’s a response to criticism. It could be about chronic lateness, thoughtlessness, broken promises, physical or verbal abuse, or infidelity. Whatever it is, we’re asked to let it go.
In the end, this is a ploy to get us to lower our expectations based on the dubious idea that certain bad habits are an intrinsic part of character and therefore beyond our control. We’re expected to believe it’s foolish and futile to expect a person to change.
There are, of course, lots of things that are beyond our control: short stature, big bones, receding hairline. Fortunately, character is different. That’s completely within our control. The poor and the rich, the slow and the smart, the plain and the pretty all have an equal opportunity to become people of character.
Sure, character can be influenced by heredity and environment, but it’s determined by choice. No disposition, circumstance, or experience is so powerful that it forever fixes our character. That is never finished. It’s constantly shaped and sculpted by the choices we make to nurture or ignore our more noble instincts and to surrender to or overcome negative impulses and corrupting temptations.
When it comes to what we demand of ourselves or others, we should never lower our standards. Character is a function of choice. Weaknesses and bad habits are not excuses not to get better.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Comments
What's really curious to me is the person who refuses to even make an attempt at change - to his own detriment - yet is "content" to suffer in life as he complains about his miseries and blames others for them.
This, to me, is a person who is so afraid to change that he claims he is in fact incapable of it. So much of this person's identity has been invested in getting attention from suffering that to suddenly not be suffering would leave him lost.
This to me is one version of insanity.
Posted by: Arthur Saginian | September 23, 2008 3:03 PM
Yes. So true. I see myself in your comment. Look what she has done to me and look what it is doing to me, poor me. Can't anyone be on my side? Look what I have done that is good and beneficial to the office. Why can't you see what I do... see my side...see what I have accomplished in 23 years...I know she is young, fresh and new ideas; why is no one on MY SIDE ANYMORE and SEE MY IDEAS?
WOW!! I love your inside comments...where do I go from here? Am I INSANE or do I need to retire???????
Posted by: Anonymous | September 26, 2008 7:08 AM
My husband and I have been educators for almost 30 years. We are both school counselors. When students, their parents or fellow educators excuse their behavior with, "That's just the way I am," "Everyone in my family does that," or "I'll always be that way," they are seeking permission to avoid the hard work required to change. Using humor, we often bring up Popeye, who used to say "I yam what I yam." We call that the "Popeye Syndrome."
Posted by: Annie Kontos | September 26, 2008 10:01 AM
I am a teacher and I talk about this all the time. I tell students that if they say "that's the way I do things, you have to accept it," I then say "that is the way I grade and you have to accept that." It gets their attention in a hurry. We follow up with a discussion on the value of quality work in their projects and how changes can be made. The end result is an understanding and application of raising the expectations in oneself.
Posted by: n hallows | September 27, 2008 9:58 PM
It is clear to me that personality disorders have not been addressed. Antisocial and borderline personalities are formed from childhood disorders such as reactive attachment of conduct disorder. Personality is a continuum but it can be determined by past events or current situations. The symptoms can be arrested, however. They are a part of an individual. Addictive personality is a good example of how personality traits need therapy and education to be changed. It's not as simple as choice.
Posted by: Clay Sims | September 29, 2008 11:25 AM
You're absolutely right, Clay Sims. Sometimes, even when a child has outside examples of character/doing what's right, the home/parent influence is so strong that outsiders are seen as "suckers."
Posted by: Toni | October 3, 2008 8:05 AM
I went to school in Germany from 1939 thru 1948 plus 3 1/2 years of tech school.
The teacher instructed us, we listened, wrote our tests and were graded accordingly. Disobedience or bad conduct was never accepted.
The report card reflected our performance fairly and was not subject to discussions. Teachers knew their jobs, parents knew their kids and parented.
These are fundamentals and they worked. Now parents are seldom educated or socially skilled. The results are seen in the streets, restaurants and prisons.
Posted by: Dieter Oltersdorf | October 3, 2008 10:59 AM