Deal or No Deal? 576.1
Sarah’s mom agreed to let her 16-year-old go to a party if she promised to be home by midnight. But as the Cinderella hour approached, Sarah did a quick risk/reward calculation. She knew her mom would be angry and probably ground her, but she was having so much fun she decided it was worth it.
Sure enough, when she got home at 2:00 a.m., her mom was waiting for her, enraged that Sarah had violated her promise but relieved she was safe.
“Breaking your word was bad enough,” her mom said, “but how could you be so cruel and selfish not to call and say you were safe? I was worried sick.”
Sarah finished off an evening of bad choices with another: “You forced me into agreeing. The curfew was unfair. As to your worrying, that was your choice. I was perfectly safe. Just tell me the punishment and let me go to bed.”
This is ugly.
Sarah’s first mistake was to think she had the right to break her promise because she was “forced” into it. Mom’s proposition was “Deal or no deal?” Sarah made a deal and, like it or not, she was morally bound to keep her word.
Her second mistake was to think she could buy off the moral duty to keep her promise simply by accepting punishment. Her mom’s trust wasn’t mended because Sarah paid the penalty. Ultimately, the issue wasn’t about curfews or parties; it was about trust and credibility. Her lack of remorse and accountability only made things worse, critically damaging her relationship with her mom.
Her third mistake was to think, despite her refusal to accept responsibility for inflicting mental anguish on her mom, she wasn’t responsible. She was. If she bothered to think about it, Sarah knew her conduct would cause gut-wrenching worry, every bit as painful as a punch to the stomach. A person is ethically accountable for the predictable consequences of their actions.
In a nutshell, Sarah didn’t act with character. She was untrustworthy, irresponsible, disrespectful, and unkind. It will take her a long time to build the healthy bonds of trust that both she and her mom want and need.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Comments
The "risk/reward" calculation omits the third factor in choice calculations. "Cost," often a non economic sacrifice, are the consequences, both forseeable and indeterminate, of a decision. Responsible people consider all three "risk/benefit(reward)/cost" factors in their behavior. We make these decisions throughout our lives, whether it's a purchase or how we allocate our time. Sarah failed to recognize the "cost" of missing her curfew, namely the loss of her mother's respect and faith in her. Her true cost, or penalty, was far beyond a predictable punishment. RBC (risk/benefit/cost) decisions must make allowance for unforeseeable consequences.
Posted by: Jeffrey L. Wissot, DDS | July 25, 2008 6:03 AM
WOW! Being the mom of 4 kids (the youngest is now 19), I could certainly put myself in the place of Sarah's mom. (Been there, done that...) The question now is where do you start to heal a relationship where you have a child who has made so many mistakes? I am of the mind that there were other things going on LONG BEFORE Sarah got to this age where trust and responsibility came into play and it was not handled in a positive way. Raising your children to make the right choices (when sometimes they can ONLY see ONE choice) is one of the most difficult things to do as a parent. The only way we found to handle it was to go back over the situation step by step and ask the child, "What other choice could you have made?" If they don't see other choices, then it is our job as parents to suggest other choices to them so they learn a very valuable lesson for the next time (hopefully). And consistency, repeating the same process over and over again if necessary to get them to understand, is of the UTMOST importance. Our children made mistakes, all children do. But I am proud to say they have ALL grown up to be beautiful, caring, conscientious, responsible, loving young adults who will one day have the same responsibility as we had in helping their own children strive to make the best choice in all that they do. I wish every parent could read your commentaries BEFORE they get to this point.
Posted by: Paula | July 25, 2008 12:50 PM
"A person is ethically accountable for the predictable consequences of their actions." This quote says it all and is stand alone!
Posted by: molly mathis | July 25, 2008 1:14 PM
All parties with 16-year-olds should at the very least have a parent or responsible adult in the house in order for them to attend. As a parent, you have to ask the who, where, what, and why questions. Sara decided to totally disrespect her mother's curfew and feelings because she was enjoying herself. A phone call probably would have given her an extra hour. The best thing that could happen to Sara is to have all of her activities monitored until trust is re-established. I also agree with Paula. Kids have to understand why the choice they made was wrong in a calm conversation. Teens are a special breed of people, learning some things all over again and some for the first time. It's a journey for the whole family!
Posted by: Kathy | July 26, 2008 10:13 PM