OMG! This hit right at home. I unfortunately have this problem but i'm working very hard to fix it. It is actually my new years resolution...to go and talk over any issues i have with individuals I have grudges with.

i think u are right Mike though it also requires us to make the decision to let go because letting go is not unless one chooses to do so.

Dear Mr. Josephson,
I am a teacher at an elementary school and I would like to provide some of your inspiring commentaries to fellow staff members. I believe that as professionals we still need to respect and honor those we work with. I would like your permission to copy some of your commentaries for a weekly newsletter to the teachers of my school. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom to a world that is in need of character building.
Ruth

I am going through a lot of pain now by my husband's infidelity- the betrayal, deception and tons of lies, and this pain is so toxic. It's eating me up--- It makes sense to release all this toxic feelings but right now it is just difficult to do---but, yes, thanks for your thoughts - i am praying to give me the grace to forgive and heal...

I agree with you that holding grudges is toxic, but do not agree that one needs to forgive and forget. One need not give someone multiple chances (by forgetting the past) when their demonstrated behavior is that they will continue to harm us. All that is necessary is that we do not hold a grudge, and that we modify our own behavior and expectations so that our future interactions with that person are more successful.

Ooops. I am a guidance counselor at an elementary school. I was not aware that I had to ask permission to share your wonderful messages with my faculty. I would love to see every family in my school having the opportunity to experience the benefits achieving success through character. I can hardly contain my enthusiasm for your words of wisdom. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to become a person of character.

Thank you,

Alicia

Mr Josephson,
I really enjoy your commentaries. I would like to have the audio part of your commentaries back..

Mr. Josephson,

I agree with you. A lot of people gave me a hard time for so many years and one person just recently gave me one, but then I thought over the problem and then the riots in pakistan happened and it made me realize we have such a short life that we cannot let grudges take a hold of us. I decided to forgive them and now I feel I am more relaxed.

This hit me so bad that I'd like to share my story. I have a younger sister who likes to keep grudges for years & years. She got mad at me one day at a party and pulled my hair in front of so many people because her cell phone rang & rang & I didn't tell her nor heard that her son was calling her due to a break in at his home or vandalism.

My son called & told me to tell her that her son has been calling her in her cell phone. So I passed her the message and she blamed me for not answering her phone.
I respect someone's privacy, I don't answer my husband's phone when it's ringing unless he tells me to answer it.
To this date, she has not spoken to me for that incident.

We always get together on x'mas day, a family tradition to exchange gifts with brothers,sisters,nieces & nephews. This time my older sister planned it at her house so she can patch the problem between my sister & I. But she got sick & it got moved to my other sister's house who hasn't talked to me for several years. I didn't go to avoid confrontation & I know that it is her personality so why ruin my holiday by going to her house?

I have forgiven her embarrassing action and that's what I have told my brothers & sister that I didn't cause her pain, she did. Keeping grudges is what's making her sick. She's been like this to her in-laws. She hasn't spoken or visited to them for many yrs. (at least 8 yrs.) to protect her son's (only child) mischief.

So I told my family that I have forgiven her and I hope one day she'll have the guts to say sorry. She was like this when we were growing up. I kinda miss chatting with her about her problems with her son & husband. I was her shoulder to lean on and nobody else.

I agree with John too. While in high school, my younger sister never talked to us and basically "lived" with her boyfriend and his family until finally my sister's behavior and her actions forced my father to kick her out of the house. By then she had turned 18. After she left home, she never contacted us. Until 15 years later she just reappeared, only because she just gave birth to her daughter. She never clearly or truly said she was sorry for what she did to the family, and pretended like nothing had ever happened. In her eyes, she thought we had forgetton and forgiven her. Before my mom passed away, my mom said my sister never apologized to her. It's been about 7 years after she resurfraced, and my father and I have asked her to please explain herself, but she refuses to meet with us. She had told us that it was OUR fault for kicking her out of the house. She shows no remorse or accountability for her past actions, and blames us for what happened. She did write to us to say she was sorry, but it did not sound sincere. I will not forget what she did to my mother (who was battling breast cancer at the time my sister left) and how my sister torn our family apart. I would like to hear my sister's side of the story, but she refuses to meet with me. She says my mind is already made up, but how can I make a judgement without hearing what she has to say. I also want to tell her IN PERSON that I forgive her, but I cannot force her to meet with me. She says she's too busy to meet with us. I am at peace with my life, but it is my sister that has to live with her past and owning up to it. She thinks she did nothing wrong, and we are the bad ones.

Dear Mr. Josephson,
I am a teacher of general English at a college in China and I am amazed and impressed by your inspiring commentaries to the issues relating to character development not only for the students but also for teachers ourselves. Thank you for sharing your profound knowledge and wisdom with us.

I too have a problem with my younger sister. I used to be looked up to in matters of decisions, like whose house are we gonna spend our holiday seasons at, but now she dictates and gets mad if it doesn't suit her.

I believe in letting go of grudges, that they are nothing more than 'baggage' on my soul. I also believe in the self-satisfaction of TRULY forgiving someone who wronged me. What I have a hard time with is the damage left behind... no matter how well you let a grudge go after someone has hurt you, or how sincerely you forgive them for hurting you, there is damage left behind. It has nothing to do with forgiveness, letting go of grudges, etc. It's a question of trusting yourself to trust again. I've recently been betrayed by someone I loved dearly. Although I have let go of my grudge for him hurting me, forgiven him for the hateful things he said, and I am doing my best to 'move on', (we still have a financial obligation between us in that he still owes me some money, which I must collect because he left me in financial ruin); all things considered, my hardest thing is figuring out a way to forgive myself for letting myself get into a position of such vulnerability in the first place. How can a person ever trust another again, once they've been betrayed so badly? Grudge? no. Forgiveness? given. Moving forward? A separate issue altogether. John is wrong in what he said.

Michael,
I loved Let Go of Your Grudges (547.1). I heard it on the KNX 1070 Talk radio in Los Angeles, California. I am making this my credo for 2008 and passing this along to my friends.

Dear Sandi,

I guess it is a lot painful and you feel like you cannot trust again, but this is exactly what that other person really wants - not to trust again. Believe me, I know what you feel. The person who hurt me, sits two seats behind me at work, so you can imagine what I must be feeling. He said some wonderful things to me, but the very next moment, he used to say such things that would leave me panting for my breath. So hang in there and be brave. believe me, i can understand what you must be going through, but one needs to have faith in God and believe in one self to forget about the person who hurt us and just move on. Take care and MAy God be with you. Ameen.

Dear Mr. Josephson, I heard this commentary last December on KNX news radio in Los Angeles and have remembered its impact on me. No wiser words have ever been said. And finally today i found a copy of it on your site. Thank you.